Lockdown Partner

Forget for a moment that we’re mostly all Old Married Pharttes, and imagine that you’re going to be in lockdown with a hottie — to be more specific, a hottie chef, because regardless of how hot she is, at some point you’re gonna have to eat, and you don’t want to be stuck in that situation with Jennifer Aniston, who can’t boil a lettuce.

So here are the contenders, in no specific order:

Nigella Lawson

Rachel Allen

Rachel Khoo

Giada De Laurentiis

Lisa Faulkner

Marcella Valladolid

Rachel Ray

Ingrid Hoffmann

Cat Cora
Okay, Cat Cora is probably disqualified because sadly, she’s a lesbianist.  In her place, therefore:

Mary Berg

(That’s for my Canucki Readers…)

As an aside, three of the above are named Rachel.  Coincidence?  I think not.


And for my long-suffering Lady Readers, who are always being left out of these things:

Curtis Stone(I know, Australian therefore should be disqualified.  Shuddup or I’ll add Guy Fieri.)

James Martin

Jean-Christophe Novelli

Phil Vickery

And in the interests of good taste and such, I haven’t bothered with Gordon Ramsay, because I would refuse to pay your hearing-aid bills after you’ve been in a three-week lockdown with him.


Feel free to add your favorite chefs in Comments.


  1. Hafta be Ingrid as she’s the only one displaying a meat product. Plus, she has ample yet proportional udders.

  2. I don’t know. A lot of them are packing big knives, and after a few months of lockdown who knows what could happen.
    I’ll go with Giada. At least she’s pouring booze.

  3. It’s a good thing you posted an older pic of Rachel Ray. She’s lately filled out into Oprah dimensions.

    1. You beat me to it….I and the wife have been watching her for years. And yes that pic showed an attractive young lady with some wit. Of late we honestly have been shocked. Yes she gained weight but also she has discarded any level of self care. Her hands look like a heavy equipment mechanic. Broken nails. Dirt under what is left. All sorts of cuts and sores. No makeup. Pimples. Hair like she slept with the dog. We actually thought for a moment she fell into the typical chef deep hole, drugs. Like she has been doing crack.

      1. I’d take Rachael Ray over any of these other women any day of the week. Honestly, curves are hot. I want something to hold onto, not some skinny nothingness. Also, blondes are cute, don’t get me wrong, however, brunettes are better. Trust me on this. Finally, Rachael isn’t some pretentious fancy smancy executive chef. She can whip up a meal using everyday ingredients.

        In terms of your comment about her hair, do you really want a woman who spends tons of time on her hair? Maybe she just spent time boinking her partner and then quickly brushed her hair for the camera. I’d rather a woman spend time on OTHER things rather than her hair.

        Rachael is good to go!

  4. Now, ya see, male chefs. Just no. Who can we offer. Jamie Oliver? Mans tongue doesn’t fit his mouth. Gordon Ramsay? Can only offer three word sentences and two of those are curses. Phil Vicary? Looks like your dad. Rick Stein – none likes fish that much. Novelli? Fancies himself more than he would anyone else. Dont know who Curtis Stone is but kinda beaten up looking. James Martin has nice eyes I suppose but is boring.

    The ladies aren’t well served by male chefs I’m afraid. Good job we can already cook and have a supply of batteries laid in, so to speak, for lockdowns. Job done.

  5. I’ll go with Giada, who I like to call Giada of the Thousand Teefs. Giada is the only land animal mammal that has more teefs than a possum. She has a perky set of boobies, too.

    1. My nickname for her is The Bobblehead because her head seems too big for her body. Once I noticed this, I can’t unsee it.

      1. She’s definitely a Bobblehead.

        Her smile is more fake than her tits.

        I’ve tried some of her recipes and they are lackluster. She was on Iron CHef and competed against Rachel Ray. Rachel ate her lunch and Giada seethed in the camera shots. It was truly amusing.


  6. No Padma Lakshmi? 🙂

    Yeah, I hope Rachael Ray is alright and just distracted or something. It’s one thing to gain weight as a chef (from what I’ve heard, many chefs have an intensive workout regimen to avoid that), but looking that rough? Yikes.

    And if you’re up for ‘genial older figure with constructive advice’, there’s Alton Brown 🙂

  7. Not being much of a TV watcher, I had only heard of three of the above. The one that caught my eye was Rachel Khoo. Watched one of her videos. She can certainly cook. She has a nice smile, but I’d have to get used to the annoying British accent. That and she’s almost as young as my daughter, younger than my step-daughter.

  8. I have a thing for “elevated” Southern American cuisine .. must add Vivian Howard to the list. Giada – no thanks – way too much of a volatile skank. Besides, she had a long-duration schtup-fest with Bobby Flay (/shudders).

  9. Just from the title of your post I’d have chosen Giada. Then I caught of glimpse of Rachel Khoo!
    Khoo, khoo, ka joob!

  10. My first thought on reading this was to recall the old saying about no matter how hot somebody is there’s somebody who’s tired of their shit. Followed closely by the realization that *they* would almost certainly be tired of *me* LONG before the reverse. Do I want to be stuck in quarantine with a resentful person whose job makes them very proficient with knives and who could probably do a dandy job of disassembling a large carcass? No thank you; I’m pretty certain that I’d end up as the pièce de résistance of a future episode of their show titled “Quarantine Cooking: Making the Most of a Lousy Cut of Meat”.

  11. I’ll go with non-eye candy: Julia Child, one of my all time fave American celebrities; to whom every celebrity chef that came after should be paying royalties. She’s always on my list when I ponder the age old question “which handful of notables from history would you invite over for dinner?”

      1. Not a rumor, she absolutely did. Whenever questioned about it she would never go into detail, she just said her duties were clerical.

      2. Julia Childs nee McWilliams was in the OSS as was my mother-in-law. She was a signals officer stationed in Sri Lanka which was at that time Ceylon. It is off the coast of India to the southeast. This is where she met her future husband who was also OSS.
        My MIL was also in signals (rather than espionage). Her first assignment was in Cairo. She went across to Sicily and then up the boot of Italy and wound up in Vienna at the end of the war. After Truman dissolved the OSS because it is rumored that he was afraid of Bill “Wild Bill” Donovan head of the OSS, she moved over to State where she went to observe the Greek election of the late forties. Fortunately the non-communists won. She moved back to the CIA when it was founded.
        For further information see: The Sisterhood of Spies: The Women of the OSS by Elizabeth Peet McIntosh

  12. If I’m going to be locked down for months at a time I *don’t* want someone whose obsession in life is making tasty, tasty calorie drenched meals.

    Cooking a decent steak isn’t that difficult.

    I need someone who will make me exercise.

  13. Getting fat seems to be an occupational hazard for female chefs. You left out Paula Dean and Ina Garten, two interesting old gals with the “ewes not fat, ewes fluffy” variety. At least you also left out the execrable Sandra Lee with her damn “tablescapes”. Up until a year ago she was the girlfriend of Cuomo, the New York mass murderer. Could be he missed her meals-from-a-can and that sent him over the edge.
    If you insist on a chef connection, my pick would be Stephanie March, Bobby Flay’s ex. She is possibly the hottest of the Law and Order ADA chicks, although that is a tough competition. Possibly a good theme for some future Sunday.

  14. Funny but you left my wife off of the list.

    Now, she’s not exactly a hottie – except to me. (We’re both in our sixties and have been married for over 35 years.) But…

    I swear, that woman can cook up a dish using sweepings from the kitchen floor and it would be delicious.

  15. Wouldn’t complain about any of them (well, yeah, Rachel has gone downhill, maybe her). But Giada. I’ve had a thing for her for years. Cat Cora is schmokin, but she’s a carpet muncher, so if all you wanno do is eat, she’s fine, I suppose.

    And yeah, I’ve had a thing for Lakshmi, too.

  16. You need multiple projects to survive a quarantine, and converting Cora would be a honorable one. And if you failed, at least you tried.

  17. Gotta go with Lisa. A Brit without NHS teeth and just curvy enough to be interesting. Don’t know much about her culinary skills, but if she’s on the list she’s most likely more than capable.

  18. I’m automatically skipping anyone with a show on BBC. I’ve seen too many horror show recipes on youtube from those clowns.

    1. Nothing at all wrong with a well padded country red head. We’ve eaten at her place in Pawhuska Oklahoma – one of those places you have to want to go to – and really enjoyed the food. There’s a late 40s Dodge Powerwagon parked outside the Mercantile which I understand is a runner. Ree has done a great job to revitalize a small Oklahoma town that was dying a slow painful death. With her around I could even learn to like grits.

      1. You want to enjoy grits? Throw some sharp cheddar cheese in them while they’re cooking. Top them with shrimp or some other type of seafood cooked in butter and spices. You’ll look at them in a whole new light.

  19. Gonna have to go with Rachael Ray. She has been the dream girl for years in my humble opinion. She has gotten a few years older and put on a couple of pounds but that too me is hot. I would rather have something to hold onto rather than some skinny nothingness. Curves are the best. Add to that, Rachael is brunette and has some cooking skills (not an executive chef, but she can whip up a good meal in 30 minutes) and you have a winning woman. Rachael is a babe. Another plus, while she has some makeup on, she doesn’t wear ten tons of makeup, so you won’t end up looking like a clown after you get done making out with her. Rachael Ray for the win. If you have to be locked down and cooped up with someone, you can’t go wrong. Thank you for including her in the choices Mr. du Toit!

  20. Ingrid is Colombian, dunno if that’s the “chase you around the house with a knife” type Colombian. She and Ms Khoo are lovelies. As for Rachel Ray putting on weight as she ages, “Contingit Omnibus “

  21. I will be the outlier and go with Nigella Lawson. Loved her cooking shows and style. Not to mention her looks. Most of the others? Either I haven’t seen them or can’t stand them.

  22. Casually tossing “I owned a restaurant business for ten years…” gets me invited to a whole lot of home kitchens.
    We operate a small organic teaching farm near the outskirts of Eugene Oregon, and we built an outdoor kitchen for warm weather.
    My needs might go beyond cute cooks on televisionprogramming…

    Maybe I have a ‘thing’ for dead junkies… Anthony Bourdain was interesting.

    Guy Fieri is old-school restauranteer cool, he gets stuff done.

    The Reich(sp?) boys with their BBQ and patio cook-books.

    Cast-iron over a camp-fire advocate Cowboy Kent Rollins is a down-to-earth hoot… and his dogs lick the pans!

    For a good time reminiscent of my youth, I have Paula Dean on speed-dial.

  23. Nigella’s still single, isn’t she? She’ll do very nicely. But Rachels Allen and Khoo have very nice smiles indeed – the smiles of the later ones seem fake or posed.

  24. Marcella Valladolid

    No idea how well she cooks, but that one looks like she’s good company.

  25. For me, it has to be Nigella. A perfect combination of a real woman – highly intelligent, knows how to dress, speaks very clearly yet always kind and of course, she has the shape of what a proper woman should look like (in my eyes, certainly!) and some amazing cooking skills and the feeling to put together the right ingredients. I think she epitomizes the term “woman” is all the best ways. Not a pushover, not subservient – a person in her own right. As it should be for all of us.

    A note about Rachel Ray, though – I admire her not so much for her cooking skills, but the fact that she does not pretend to be something she is not. She is honest and I admire that.

    Giada? Yes, I love her cleavage, but that’s about it.

    Having said that – they are ALL much better cooks than I, even though I love to cook.

  26. I’d build a big lockdown refuge and take them all including the lesbian and the boy-toys.

    I couldn’t possibly work with all of the women, at the same time I mean, so the boy-toys would need to help out, and if the lesbian found a way to get busy, I’d love to watch.

    We’re talking about cooking, right?

  27. So the intent is to offset the increased food consumption with more robust, shall we say, bedroom aerobics?
    I’m in!

  28. Any of the above ladies would suffice. As my father used to tell me (after breaking up with a perfectly good decent, but plain gal in high school) “beauty is just a light switch away, son”.

Comments are closed.