“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“Last week I was out for my daily 5-mile walk when some woman shouted at me for not wearing a face mask.  Some background:  it’s not a crowded place — in fact, most days I don’t see anyone at all out there — so I really don’t see what the fuss is all about.  My question:  what’s the proper response when someone scolds me for not wearing a mask?  Should I apologize, or just say nothing and move on?”
— Ashamed, Oregon

Dear Shameful,

You have two problems here;  one is low self-esteem, and the other is aimlessness.  In the first case, the proper response to one of these Karens is to shout “FUCK YOU!” back at them, as loudly as you possibly can.  If they respond, or start getting silly about it, then shout, “I’m so glad you’re wearing a mask, because I bet you’re fucking UGLY underneath that thing.”  Then, as a last resort, pepper-spray them in the face if they get close to you in an aggressive manner.

As for your other problem:  what the fuck are you doing walking around with no destination in mind?  Just so you know:  a five-mile walk to a decent pub is fine — a little excessive, maybe, but if the pub is good enough, worth the sacrifice.  Ditto, a five-mile stalk while hunting is also permissible because there’s a chance of a dead animal at the end of it — but a five-mile walk just for the sake of walking is a total waste of time and for that, you should be ashamed of yourself.  If you really have to walk that far but don’t drink [shudder] or it’s not hunting season, then take up golf.  Ordinarily, I don’t recommend golf to anyone because, well, golf;  but yours is an extreme case — and  I guarantee you:  nobody you meet on the golf course is going to scold you for not wearing a mask.


  1. Now that you’ve mentioned it, I have to wonder: Do those masks make pepper spray more or less effective? I can see them blocking the initial blast a bit, but after that, you have a mask soaked in pepper spray wrapped around your face. Maybe some readers who live near the “peaceful protests” could do a little research and report back.

    Also, if you’re going to golf, don’t forget to bring lots of beer. You can’t just walk around lying and hitting things with a stick without also drinking beer. And, if anybody on the golf course does happen to scold you for not wearing a mask, I recommend a 7-iron.

    1. If they have a mask on go for the eyes, Even if they have glasses on enough of the spray should get in to at least slow them down.

      Plus, if the pepper spray does not work, I have more kinetic responses available if they continue their assault.

  2. I do long bike rides, and they’re my “listen to podcasts” time. I get some exercise, I get to look around and see how the city’s doing, and I get to listen to some interesting people, like Ted Cruz, Andrew Klavan, and others.

  3. My response is “I identify as a mask-wearer!” And if they continue to nag me I come back with “Stop oppressing me!”

    1. I am surprised that these two phrases, modified as necessary for the circumstances are not used more often.

  4. I’ve become fond of the response “Bugger off Wanker!”

    Same sentiment of Fuck You, but most Americans don’t understand what you just said to them, and they are sure the don’t like it.

      1. For the past forty years, I’ve known that the proper response to a women saying, “Fuck You”, is, “OK, When?” They are totally unprepared for that response.

        1. There are some women you shouldn’t say that to, lest they take you up on the offer.

          About 50 years ago, in the middle of the sexual revolution, there was a theory that if you outright asked enough women to fuck, one would say yes. I only know of one guy sociopathic enough to try it – Charles Meach, a college student, a bully, a coward, and a future mass murderer. One fine spring day, I was sitting under a tree and noticed Charlie lurking on one of the main cross-campus sidewalks. A young woman walked past, he said something, and she pulled back in disgust and hurried away. Next young woman, same thing. I went back to reading. 15 minutes later, I saw a young woman that some called “Big Bertha”, dragging him toward the dorms.

  5. Ok now, this culture has obviously creeped into my neural bundles. I read the signature ASHAMED as some kind of arab name. ASH-A-MED. I spent 30 seconds pndering if that was a male or feemale name….some wife of the prophet maybe ?

  6. I have to disagree on the virtues of walking. After all, you may have to cover considerable distance in the hunting field, and it’s best to get used to it.

  7. WTF is wrong with golf?!? I love golf!
    Get out first thing in the morning and the starter will usually let me go off alone before their first tee time. In 3 hours or so I’ve covered about 8000 yds (maybe more with the way I play) and still have the rest of the day to do whatever. I have fun and it’s great exercise.

  8. Dr Kim’s advice reminded me of an old Polish proverb, “The church is near, but the roads are icy. The pub is far-I must walk carefully.”

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