1. Training for this year’s “Light Your Farts” competition at the State Fair proved unexpectedly hazardous.

  2. “Blue Angel”, my burning ass. More like “Red Devil”

    This year’s Bean Eating Competition ended on a tragically sad note. (apparently, the note was “toot-kaboom”)

  3. Murphy had a flashback to his Vietnam shit burning details, but got the 4:1 diesel/gasoline ratio reversed.

  4. During a fun-filled costumed ‘solidarity march’ high-lighting the most-requested item in their vast inventory, arm-linked dedicated cow-orkers of global conglomerate United PortaSan Costume Corporation inadvertently stumbled in La Brea and the dreaded tar-pits during a semi-monthly ‘hundred-year’ flare-up. Lost in the tragedy were both parents of eye-catching ingenue-progeny congress-person Alexandra O’Casio-Cortez, Mildred Cortez and Emilio O’Casio. Their mutual celebration-of-life / potluck will be held Thursday at Green Acres Water Treatment facility. The picnic area is just past the dead-end, and down into the reclaimed Memorial Gardens. The congress-person hopes you can join her for a spontaneous impromptu sunrise sing-along in honor of her favorite charity, the newly-budgeted Green Acres Children’s Home complex. Federal officials today released detailed engineering reports clearly showing the children’s living quarters will most-certainly be constructed above the ‘hundred-year high-water mark’ in the treatment facility’s marshland re-fillment projects.

    1. Although everybody enjoys a good joke in times like these, UPSC employees reluctantly ask attendees participating in Thursday’s event to refrain from attempting to ‘freshen-up’ or other humorous activities involving tripping / tipping, quoting a series of Miss Manners articles addressing this very issue.

    2. On a related note, several key government officials are under investigation by Special Counselor Muller for their alleged ownership of construction companies bidding for the Green Acres complex. Federal auditors estimate the impact at 1.3 billion, of which approximately half was spent on various architectural designs prior to the bid award, and the other half after the bid award. R
      Muller claims repeat life-long career criminal Ed Cortez-O’Casio is the alleged mastermind, but shocked friends and family defend him, stating “Ed? Ali’s kid brother? You ever met the guy?”

    3. This just in:
      Embroiled owners of beleaguered United deny rumors they conspired to hire shady ‘hacktivists’ to re-program their costumes’ imbedded GPS units so the employees were directed into the scalding tar.

      Retired United vice-president of Resources Equality, Nadineisha Kereem states “Nobody in their rights mind intentional walk into 1000˚ tar.” Placing her right hand against the brass placard mentioning the two lost employees, she shook her head in emphatic amazement. “No. That take special kind stupit.”

      Released from an interview with Special Counselor Muller, Kereem firmly declared “Course it be real job. Any fool see I be there every day I spose. Door say I run the Peoples Be Equals something. That right there tell anybody that be real job. Out my way.”

    4. In La Brea, encampments of hundreds of competing worshippers of several cult leaders are reportedly battling for prime positions prior to Thursday’s festivities.
      One spokesmodel speaking through an interpreter, Xir they of Poughkeepsie, says “The white ruling elite conspired to assassinate Ali’s parents because they can’t stand to see a strong womxn get ahead in life so why shouldn’t we come together in community for the sisterhood of all races as one so how can anybody rationalize forgoing the unwanted advances from the super-advantaged…”

    5. …the most requested item == the upscale ‘desert-camo’ single-holer == in their vast inventory…

  5. Tragedy struck today in the ‘Green New Deal’ fair housing development as a number of HUD Fair and Standardized Shared Housing units were destroyed in a fire. Dozens of families have been left homeless.

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