1. Clipping a cinder block with your pinkie toe as you rush by barefoot (ask me how I know).

  2. An old girlfriend once suggested we go see a film involving Alda. I went along with this idea because, well, sex. However, planning is the key to any successful operation– so we saw it at Alamo.

    The booze provisioning specialist was a bit taken aback when I asked for six cocktails, to start, with a stern suggestion that they keep flowing. By the time the simpering, whining and bleating began, I was so smashed it could have been Kim Jong Un mud-wrestling a space alien on the screen, and I’d have had no idea.

    Plan B, was, of course, seppuku with my pocket knife.

  3. Accepting an invitation from Piers Morgan for a weekend of compelling conversation, then following through and actually engaging in said event.

  4. Watching a movie starring Mike Farrell. At least Alda is tolerable as an evil, conniving heavy. Farrell’s acting struggles to reach the level of Brady Bunch.

    A few months back, I fell off a two step stool indoors. I was facing a wall. I reached too far right, and the stool went left. I landed on carpet–damned lucky I didn’t break something at my age. My right shin raked across the round frame of the stool on the way down. The resulting goose egg was impressive.

  5. > tearing a toenail off instead of cutting it off

    My oldest daughter used to do ballet. Her toenails would turn back and then she would pull them off.

    I was very happy when she stopped doing that to herself.

  6. * Having to sit through any entire episode of anything on HGTV

    * Finding out your ‘personal suite hot tube’ where you are sans clothes humping her brains out at the expensive resort is acutally for family community use

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