5 Worst Things To Find In Your Wife’s Handbag

In ascending order of awfulness:

  • A scalpel
  • a lock of her old boyfriend’s hair
  • …and when you’ve had a vasectomy:
    – a six-pack of condoms, and/or
    – an empty pregnancy test box
  • Bill Clinton’s “business” card

Your own suggestions in Comments. And no looking in your wife’s purse, either.




  1. When my wife empties her purse she has a much greater volume of stuff than the volume of the purse.

    So clearly there’s a portal to another dimension in there.

    Where else the hell could my mother in law have come from?

  2. ‘Bill Clinton’s “business” card’

    If it’s no longer attached to the rest of him, that would explain what she’s been doing with the scalpel…

  3. A voodoo doll with a lock of YOUR hair on it.

    And pins in uncomfortable places.

    That have recently started hurting.

  4. Two airline tickets with the wrong last name.

    Birth control pills—and she’s already had her tubes tied.

  5. Complete set of identification papers, including passport, in different name, with her picture on them. Saying that she is single.

    Or any gun in cal. 25. That would almost hurt more. Not that she might shoot you with it, but that she would own it.

    1. Now, there’s lots of cool guns in .25acp, designed by the hand of the Great and Holy One himself.
      One of these days, I hope to fill my collection of Colt pocket autos with a .25 1908.

  6. What’s wrong with having a scalpel in my purse? It’s not like I’m going to the airport.

  7. I think if I found a scalpel in my fiancees purse, I would only accuse her of bringing her work home. 🙂

  8. The business card of a local attorney who specializes in divorces with nasty property and custody battles.

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