5 Worst Deathbed Statements

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:

  • “Sorry about your inheritance, kids; but I think I still owe the I.R.S. four million dollars.”
  • “I’m not your real father, Jimmy; Harvey Weinstein is.”
  • “Kids, I’ve got ten million dollars stashed in a secret account in… urgggglllgh.”
  • In your dying delirium, telling Claire you always loved her, when your wife’s name is Patricia.
  • “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always. Tastelessness preferred.



  1. One of my ancestors supposedly made the best deathbed statement. He died laughing.

    Uproariously, according to family myth.

    He was rich (worth $10 million or so, in early 20th century New Orleans, which is equivalent to about a quarter of a billion nowadays), and he left his relatives… $100 each.

    All the rest mostly went to charities of various sorts, and some land to Tulane University. One of the parcels of land included a church (on one end of the block) and a house of prostitution (on the other end).

    The two elderly aunts who dug this up were appalled, but were honest sorts who put it into the family tree for future reference.

  2. > “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”

    On the bright side, he will continue voting democrat after death. In fact, I bet nearly everyone who votes post mortem votes democrat.

  3. My thought has been to prepare ahead: tell each of the kids privately that he’s my favorite – but don’t tell the others until I’m dead. Then hope I can see the reaction through the sulfur fumes.

    Of course, they know me, so they’d figure out I was just screwing with them. But still.

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