5 Worst Things To Find In Your Lifeboat’s Survival Kit

Your trip on board the Ocean Princess has ended in disaster and you find yourself alone in a lifeboat with no others in sight. In the boat’s survival kit you find the following, ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • an empty flare gun
  • a coupon for $100 off your next trip on the Ocean Princess
  • a blister pack of contraceptive pills
  • a tin of boiled lutefisk
  • a CD player with fresh batteries, containing “Barry Manilow: The Turkish Bath Years”

Your suggestions on the topic in Comments, please.


  1. During my earlier career, I worked for a company that licensed technology and sent techs all over the world. I never went overseas, but talked to many that did. The company medical dept put together a “survival kit” for travelers that included various things such as

    sinus medications
    stomach medications
    insect repellant
    skin ointments (for rashes)
    and one condom!

    Since most travelers were married men traveling alone, the general response was “one?”. Either you’ll stay faithful and not need it, or run wild and need several cases. But one? WTH were they thinking?

    Anyway, yeah, survival kit with one condom and a cookbook for long pig. That’s enough.

  2. -Hillary Clinton and Helen Thomas’ greatest lesbian orgasms collection, on laser disc.

    I think I’ll leave it at that, as I seem to have broken my brain.

  3. You lift the tarp in the bow and find Gwyneth Paltrow and Hillary Clinton under it.
    Hillary claims she has more experience than you and wants to run the boat. Paltrow won’t quit shrieking about lutefisk not being a natural food.
    You beat Hillary into submission with the empty flare gun, stuff the lutefisk package in Paltow’s mouth.
    You’re still in a desperate situation, but at least it’s quiet and you feel better.

  4. – AOL Install Floppy
    – ALF Pog
    – Russian Can of 7.62×39 (no opener)
    – 3 inches of paracord (stripped)
    – Empty matchbook

  5. -can of Sea Salt flavored Pringles
    -package of extra spicy beef jerky
    -bag of Doritos
    -freeze dried ice cream
    -no water

  6. Four of those things are merely useless – just throw them overboard. The lutefisk can be eaten.

    So what would be bad – worse than nothing? (One assumes it must be visibly bad – poisoned food or drink would be bad, but only because one wouldn’t know it.)

    How about:

    A built-in radio that, once turned on, won’t turn off, and can only pick up Radio Havana.

  7. I’m sorry, but of those, the Manilow CD is of extreme use: anyone hearing that – and sound can carry a long way over a calm sea – will know that someone is in dire straits.

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