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Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Update
So let’s start off with some calls for government bastardy.
...just what we needed: more nanny regulations that don’t work.
#NobodySmokesAnymoreAfterScareLabels #YeahRight
And speaking of things that didn’t work:
...actually, you can substitute almost any word for “homelessness” (diplomacy, healthcare etc.) and it would still be true.
...fuck me, if they did that in Texas they’d go out of business in a week.
...I’m thinking that it may be time to start shooting the “protestors”, but no doubt someone’s going to have a problem with this.
On a lighter ICE note:
...why is this ICE news? Because it should be.
#RaiseTheDrawbridge
And in related news:
...one would hope that the USDA had been doing this from the very beginning, but one would be hopelessly naïve.
...see the above comment.
From the International Court Of Justice:
...to prove that even the terrorists can get it right occasionally.
Related:
...given who’s enraged, he must be doing the right thing.
From the Dept. of Education:
...hey, as long as the baby wasn’t in the bed with them, right?
From the Dept of the Blindingly Obvious:
Doctor Tells Kim Kardashian She Has
‘Low’ Brain Activity
...easiest diagnosis in medical history. And:
...say it ain’t so!
News from the Dept. of Commerce:
...wait: I thought that Trump’s election was going to tank the economy; all the cool kids said so.
And from the Dept. of Health:
…
Oh yeah, how about some 
And as we motor down 
:
...I know, pictorial evidence required:
I think you get the picture(s). And as for the news, that’s it.
Monday Funnies
And speaking of fires:
And on we go. Somebody been reading this blog again:
And speaking of California:
Finally, a word from our sponsors:
Now get on with your week.
Caption Competition #421
Your suggestions in Comments.
News Roundup
Speaking of “letting go”, there’s always a good time, with 
...now all we need to do is get rid of that stupid law that mandates state education for all kiddies, regardless of immigration status.
...as futile gestures go, this makes the Animal House parade disruption seem earth-shattering.
…
...let’s not forget Dallas, guys. We’ve got plenty of illegal-immigrant crime to take care of, down here, and it’ll boost your numbers bigly.
And in related news:
...fair trial, followed by execution.
...see above.
...see above.
...a.k.a. irrelevant themes for an irrelevant conference.
...I would say “co-equal”, but who’s counting.
...why are we still listening to this horrible scold, anyway?
In the War On Terror:
...about damn time somebody did. And speaking of terrorist orgs:
...so for all those asshole Greens who want to do that in the civilized world… stop that shit.
...I would have been a better choice, but this might not be too bad.
...somehow, me old darlin’, I just don’t think that’s going to be much of a danger for you. And:
...first time I’ve ever heard the term “salacious activity” applied to wanking.
And now for some true 
And as we scan the view on 
:
...my favorite Pussycat Doll. And not bad for a semi-centenarian.
And on that recumbent note, we can end this thing.
“Dear Dr. Kim”
“Dear Dr Kim,
“When my hands are deep in the turkey gizzard and relatives come brightly into my kitchen, without bringing me a drink, and offer to help: what playlist can you suggest I ask the smart speaker to play to get them to fuck off?
“Suicidal Christmas Country Songs worked well, actually a bit too well, last year, and Siri claimed not to recognise “Music to invade Poland to”. Your erudite musical knowledge is needed.
— Some English Farmer
Dear Farmer:
There are so many things wrong with this request that I barely know where to begin.
Let’s start with the “hands in the turkey gizzard” thing. Where is your wife? Why is she not performing her uxorial duties, whilst you are outside shooting at crows, neighbors etc.? Small wonder that relatives come into the kitchen drinkless — they’re expecting to find her in there and not some male interloper.
Secondly: WTF is this “smart speaker” gadget? To me this bespeaks idleness or at least inattentiveness on your part, caused no doubt by your being in the kitchen instead of doing worthwhile things like browsing through your collection of gramophone records, wherein I have every expectation that you will find all sorts of music guaranteed to drive foul, unwanted people such as relatives screaming from the room. Just off the top of my head, I would suggest Adge Cutler and the Wurzels’ debut album, but if said relatives are from your part of the world then this may be a dangerous choice as they would start singing along and even — perish the thought — dancing on your threadbare Axminster. A better choice might be the musical efforts of Jimmy Shand and his Orchestra: if that horrible ur-Scottish music fails to send them screaming not just from the room but from your farm altogether, you may as well give up and reach for the budget-priced Spanish plonk that your wife rejected for cooking.
And speaking of cooking, a reminder: a man’s place to cook is at the barbecue or spit-roast, and not in the kitchen.
Finally, I have no idea what this “Siri” creature is. It sounds like some ghoul, or an invention of Satan’s minions. Best stay far away from it, lest you be corrupted and start doing things like leaving the parish and encountering strangers.
— 