No, not some totty flashing her whatsits. Apparently, Dave’s has come to London:
Famously, Dave’s offers a notoriously spicy ‘Reaper’ burger, covered in red-hot batter, said to reduce even the most hardened of chilli lovers to tears. Although the batter recipe is a closely-guarded secret, the key ingredient is powdered Carolina Reaper, the second-hottest chilli pepper in the world. Carolina Reaper registers a whopping 1.6 million on the Scoville scale, the internationally-accepted system used to measure the heat of chillis.
So it’s little surprise that customers can only order the Reaper if they are 18 or over and sign a legal waiver. According to the waiver, Reaper can cause ‘sweating, indigestion, shortness of breath, allergic reactions, vomiting and diarrhoea’, but in extreme cases, it can even lead to ‘chest pain, heart palpitations, heart attack and stroke’.
…with dolorous outcomes, because that’s what intrepid reporters do — stupid stuff:
For the first seven seconds after taking a big bite, it feels like the hype around the Reaper has been exaggerated – but the intense burn suddenly takes off like a bullet. As Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’ starts playing on the loudspeakers, the heat-sensitive pain receptors in my mouth are triggered – and I soon turn into a total, sticky mess. Sweat flows from every pore of my face and snot dribbles from my nose, and I can’t wipe the tears from my eyes because I don’t want to touch them with my messy gloved hands. Struggling somewhat with my coordination, I slosh milkshake over my trousers and the floor. Reaper is ludicrously, idiotically hot.
The only idiot is you, dummy.
Let it be known that I’m not afraid of stuff like Madras curry, for example. I remember going to a restaurant in Bangalore, and ordering a Madras chicken dish.
The waiter looked at me a little dubiously. “You know the Madras is very spicy”, he murmured to me. (“Spicy” being how Indians describe something that’s going to set fire to your mouth.)
“Nah, I’m from South Africa,” I said to him. “I grew up eating hot curry ” (Which is true.)
And yes it was quite hot, but also very savory. I could have eaten two dishes of it. (Madras is actually classed as a “medium” hot curry.) I have no problem with Vindaloo — the next level up, and you have to hold me back when it comes to Lamb Vindaloo — but I draw the line very firmly at that point, because after Vindaloo, bad things start happening to you.
And for the record: Vindaloo curry measures about 15,000 to 20,000 Scoville units.
So 1.6 million Scovilles? You must be kidding.
And I’m calling bullshit on this whole “hot pepper” nonsense. It’s not manly or macho or any of that crap when it comes to handling peppery heat. 25,000 Scovilles is like rubbing Deep Heating cream on your skin; 1.6 million is pouring gasoline on yourself and setting it on fire. And I’m not really exaggerating, either.
Guys who brag about how much heat they can handle are vainglorious idiots, and quite frankly, they deserve every perforation they get in their stomachs or intestines.
As our flipping idiot brave reporter Jonathan Chadwick describes it:
Reaper is a 24-hour experiment on your body. As it travels, it inflicts different types of pain – burning numbness in the mouth, aching stomach, and, perhaps worst of all, the morning-after sensation of a red hot poker in the worst place imaginable.
A doctor buddy of mine back in Johannesburg told me once of a patient who actually had small lesions and blisters on their anus following a drunken night out feasting on super-hot food. The patient was female.
But hey: be my guest, but please don’t come to me for help because I’m just going to laugh at you.
