Category: Bad News

Some more Booze News to smile (or grimace) at:

...panic subsides when the brand is revealed as Bud Lite, where nobody could tell the difference.

...and sales of hip flasks soar.

From the files of Captain Obvious:

...surely not.  Also:

...as did Obama’s ATF, Bush’s ATF and Clinton’s ATF.  Even Trump’s ATF had a go with that bullshit “bump stock” thing.  And finally:

...as do most students, quite frankly.

Legal News:

...show of hands:  who agrees with this punishment and wish we could have it here in Murka?

...thought so.

From the Dept. of Corporate Anchor-Tossing:

…

...and about damn time too, Tribesters (Tribe Readers excluded, for obvious reasons).

...I’m “triggered” by many things, e.g. sexual perverts teaching our children, but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to go out and whack a couple of Red Sox fans at random. Here’s another thing that triggers me:

...my suggestion for the Maine cops:  find this murderous bastard, then shoot him dead, whether he surrenders or not.  Spare us all the hassle and expense, willya?

…

And in Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:

...should never have been there in the first fucking place.

...big deal. Anyone can plan ahead for the next three months.

And there’s always INSIGNIFICA:

…I’m struggling to see the actual crime, here.

...fully clothed?

…and that’s the end of Train Smash News.

Excuse me for a minute… [Pavlovian response]

Now on with the news, starting with the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...yet another triumph of Biden’s immigration policy.

...not in Nashville.

...we need to see more of this, all over the world.

And onto the great Palestinian Fuckup Fallout:

...Hamas:  continuing Obama’s legacy to the gun industry.

...the Izzies must be losing their touch.

...when asked to point out Israel on a map, the senator said: “Aarghlpaptmpofftry”.

And on to Sex News:

...and nobody saw this one coming.  [eyecross]

...confirming once and for all that yes, Bill Clinton was definitely on Epstein’s Client List.

...I didn’t even know that women were in the fencing business. [sic]

In Pre-Election News:

...enough of that stuff, Donald:  you already have my vote.

...no no, you lesbo freak, you’ve got it all wrong, as usual.  Trump doesn’t want to execute you;  but I could think of several others who might be tempted.
#Fifth Amendment #BuyMoreAmmo

And Great Moments In Parenting:

...I dunno;  sounds quite reasonable.

Then there’s this:

...not ordering the execution of Simon Cowell for Crimes Against Music?

And now, in INSIGNIFICA:

...so much for that “working-class punk” thing.

...nah, just kidding.  Here’s Liz Hurley:

A much better way to end the news, yes?

Ahhh those good old days when women had Bettah Pharmaceuticals to stop them going batshit crazy… and speaking of batshit crazy:

...under the reign of World-Emperor Kim, there would be a similar fish tank at the Pentagon, with a long line of generals waiting their turn — starting with that traitor Mark Milley.

Moving on to the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...you don’t say, Hank ol’ buddy.  Here’s one country that hasn’t:

...”you know how many Islamic terrorist attacks there have been in Poland?  NONE.”  [/quote of the day]

From the Chronicles of Nationalisation:

…

And yet we see they haven’t learned their lesson yet:

...wait:  didn’t they privatize the thing in the Seventies because the State had fucked it up almost beyond redemption? 

...another example of having privatized a service after nationalizing it had failed.  Maybe the answer really is:  [whispers] light rail transport systems don’t work in modern-day society.

Speaking of modern-day society:

...cut “her” dick and balls off, says I.

In Everybody Panic! News:

...yawn.  This nearly made INSIGNIFICA. As did this:

...crabs? Hornets?  What’s next?  Oh yeah, it’s Global Cooling Climate Warming Change©:

...”when”?  How about “if ever”?

Speaking of “Places I’d Like To See Go Underwater”:

...and Hollywood actresses go on strike over “unfair competition”.

And in other Sporting News:

[sic]
...and then the real gagging began.

Now it’s the real, honest, link-free INSIGNIFICA:

    …

Finally, in Celebrity News:

...she’s no stranger to these pages, but here’s a brief refresher:

And on that high note, we end the roundup.

Leading with some discussion of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change©:

...and if that doesn’t cause the Belgies, Germans etc. to rethink the climate change bullshit… but wait!  There’s more!

...so, not a complete disaster, then.  Still on the topic of booze:

...now it’s expensive shit beer? (e.g. Molson’s or Heineken, for my Readers who’ve never tasted Foster’s or Swan)

In International Terrorism News:

...one wonders how she’d feel if a few Mossad guys did the same to her own kids, live on video.  But she does have supporters, of course:

...actually, it does.  In answer to the question “Which person in Congress would most likely be the first to strap on a bomb vest for use during the State of the Union speech?”, she wins by a country mile.  And speaking of terrorsymps:

...like anyone would be surprised by that.

...”You’re next, assholes.”  Well, I would have said that.

Latest news on the Socialist Front:

...bureaucracy at its finest.  And then there’s incompetence:

…

...the cells being already filled with people who posted mean things on Twitter.  Key word:  Britain.

From the Out Of The Frying Pan And Onto The Gas Ring department:

...just wasn’t her night, was it?
#alibi

Now, in more Sex News:

...my friend Patterson’s second wife Debbie was like that.

And in the perpetually link-free INSIGNIFICA:

...LOL small wonder (and no, you do not want to see the pics).

And now some news about a woman who isn’t a freak:

...and I have to admit, this is one old broad I wouldn’t mind exploring the Kama Sutra with.

And that’s all the news worth drooling over.

And speaking of freaks:

...hate to break it to you, Bub, but she doesn’t owe you anything.

...and I agree.  Most kids nowadays, when thinking about Michelangelo, think of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not the Sistine Chapel.

From the Department of Medical Fearfulness:

...still not killing people though, is it?  That’s because it’s like a mild flu, so stop with the panicky headlines already.

...ooh, Insty’s being all sarky again.

...looking at the article, I can see about six reasons to fire her other than popping a White Claw at the wheel.

From the annals of Global Warming Climate Cooling Change©:

...he needs to go off the deep end with a large concrete weight tied to his fucking ankles.

...but if you’re picturing blood and scattered body parts, I’m sorry to disappoint you.

...oops, busted.  Although the engines on their buggies should have been a clue.

...keyword:  American.

...still trying to figure out the actual crime, here.

But there’s always INSIGNIFICA:

  ..hur hur.

And speaking of meat feasts, here’s one for sore eyes:

...here’s the pic, but it’s kinda disappointing: 

…so here’s the real thing, also in the color purple:

Aaaaaand… that’s the news.