1. “Mum, I don’t care if you accidentally dropped your dildo down the hole. It’s been three hours, and people are starting to talk.”

  2. Arrgghh. Bad memories of my Brother’s future wife having a panic attack and locking herself in the shitter at the Church. Took a buttful of happy juice to get her out.

    He’d been much better off if he’d have left her there.

  3. I do believe the bride just caught her fiance shagging a bridesmaid, and the fire department is being called in advance to extract him from the holding tank she is about to shove him in.

  4. Groom is doing an upper G.I. cleanse with the help of a large bottle of Tequila, gonna start married life with a shiny new gut and gullet don’t ya know.

    Having said that, it reminds me of the story one of my preachers in Dallas told me about a wedding he presided over. Beautiful large church expensive large cast of bridesmaids and groomsmen with the preacher, groom and best man back in a hall way getting ready to move into the church. The preacher asked the groom who looked kind of green and shaken if he was ready to move on in, preacher turned on his microphone attached to his face, saw that the groom was bending over and they groom commenced to heave his cookies and Mexican food all over the best man as well as the preacher’s legs and shoes. The best man started yelling at the groom being a stupid fuck up and an ignorant dumb shit dick head and so on and so forth and it was all being picked up on the PA system broadcast to the hundreds in the church much to their amusement because a lot of them knew the groom was a fuck up, etc.

    My preacher friend said he turned his mic off, went out and spoke to the bride and organist and told the audience there would be a twenty minute delay so enjoy the music. They patched the groom up best they could and after the delay had the big Texas wedding. I have no idea if the marriage lasted nor did my preacher friend but I wish I had been there that day.

  5. Who the fuck ordered a glory hole portapotty for my wedding, and why were the groom and my maid of honor in there for so long?

  6. “Hello? Is this the wedding planner? What part of ‘brick shithouse’ did you not understand?”

  7. Proudly sporting her ceremonial sash, Miss Wedding-Planner 2009 Brittanee-Kimber holds the door for the thousand-dollar rental dress and the akimbo drama-queen dujour… while the prop dujour idly chats on his telephone.

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