1) ‘Ice Pick Killer’ During Texas Execution: It ‘Hurts’ — Good. Wish it had hurt more.
2) SCOTUS Judge Anthony Kennedy To Retire In July — Liberals’ hair catches fire for the umpteenth time since November 2016; End Times predicted. I’d say more but I’m deafened by conservatives cheering.
3) Bronx will elect a hardline Commie to Congress — oh wait, that’s not news, sorry.
5) Germany Crashes Out Of 2018 World Cup — …which makes it twice in seventy-odd years they’ve had to retreat from Russia, only this time they can’t blame the weather.
6) Britishland Continues To Melt — even the swans are being boiled alive:
…and people are (mostly) getting tanned:
…but some are unaffected by the heat:
7) SCOTUS Tells Unions To Quit Stealing People’s Money — next on the agenda: abolishing public-sector unions altogether.
8) Warning Issued Over Drinking Too Deeply Of Liberal Tears — don’t care. Cheers, everyone.