5 Worst Headlines To Wake Up To

In ascending order of awfulness:

  • Democrats Take House, Senate And White House In Election Upset
  • Sen. Chuck Schumer Named To Head BATF
  • “Not Guilty” Verdict In Clinton/Obama Treason Trial
  • N. Korean ICBM Strikes Hit San Diego, Miss Seattle, Portland, Berkeley
  • Amy Schumer Married To [your name] After Wild Night In Vegas

Your suggestions in Comments. The more tasteless, the better.


  1. 1. President Chelsea Clinton appoints both parents to Supreme Court
    2. (your name) has incriminating evidence against Hillary Clinton
    3. (your daughter’s name) named as new intern to Bill Clinton
    4. Bill Clinton sends cigars to every household in America
    5. Earthquake levels Washington DC while Congress is out-of-session.

    Hey, you wanted tasteless, so I made 4 of 5 Clinton related.

  2. had to read Mark’s number 5 twice.

    Only headline I want to see involving the Clintons would be

    1: A rare freak meteorite hit the Clinton mansion today during a reunion of all the leading democrats from the last 20 years. At this time police do not think there where any survivors.

  3. Hillary Clinton leads massive Dimocrat election landslide as dimocrats take the house, senate and presidency.

    Barack Obama returns as president after constitutional revision.

    NRA endorses Chelsea for President.

    Congress limits alcoholic beverage imports to Russian wine and Vietnamese beer. All of Europe in a rage. Americans limited to Bud light and Lone Star beer.

    Automobile manufacturers limited to 50 horsepower or less by new EPA ruling.

    Donald Trump impeached and convicted by the newly elected dimocrat house and senate.

  4. -UN Ratifies Comprehensive Coffee Ban Treaty
    -President Trump Names Hillary Clinton As New Vice President
    -Colleges To Replace Football With Sensitivity Lectures
    -Hollywood Announces That All Future Movies Will Be Remakes Of Beloved Classics With Unfunny & Unattractive Female Casts
    -New Flu Virus Leaves Men Unable To Taste Beer, Scotch

  5. -Hillary Clinton chosen for cover of Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue
    -Hillary Clinton wins Miss America crown
    -Hillary Clinton chosen for Playmate of the Month
    -California decides not to secede in historic vote
    -US Airways successful in hostile takeover of American (oh, wait, never mind.)

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