Okay, we all know that Shania Twain is a Total Hotty.
But ii shames me to admit that although I know who she is, I wouldn’t be able to hum or even name any of her most popular songs, even if you held a gun to my head.
Of course, I’m not exactly in her target market, musically speaking. (Or in any other way, come to think of it.)
In the face of rampant crime and such, one gas station owner has had enough:
“They are forcing us to hire the security, high-level security, state level. We are tired of this nonsense: robbery, drug trafficking, hanging around, gangs,” Patel said.
The guards he hired wear Kevlar vests and train regularly, maintaining firearm proficiency.
Prior to hiring the guards, Patel’s car was vandalized and an ATM was stolen from his gas station.
Best part:
But FOX News notes Patel’s observation that crimes – including loitering – ended once he hired security.
I bet they did.
If the cops can’t or won’t enforce the law, then it’s up to us ordinary folk to push them aside and take law enforcement back into our own hands.
The only people who would object to this action (other than the criminals) are government flunkies and hoplophobes.
Apparently, Massachusetts is going to allow topless sunbathing om Nantucket Island.
This would occasion no more than a yawn from me, ordinarily, but allow me to point out the kind of people who live on Nantucket (and other islands off the MA coast):
Not that we need any more reasons to never visit Massachusetts, mind you.
(And before anyone gets after me, let me tell you that I’ve been to Nantucket, Block and Martha’s Vineyard in summer — and if anything, the above pics are quite flattering.)
…I think.
Having been pronounced in excellent health one day, to feeling like total shit the next, I was pondering:
“Quoi?”
Then I remembered that as I do every year at my physical, I’d got a flu shot on my visit. Aha!
So my body, which is increasingly starting to hate me as I get older, obviously decided to teach me a lesson. “Don’t trust me to take care of myself?” it must have said, “I’ll teach you to have some Russian nurse* inject some strange lurgies without my permission!”
I have to admit, though, that given all the abuse and punishment I’ve subjected my body to over the years, it probably has a point.
If you want me, I’ll be lying huddled in my bed, whimpering.
*yes, she was Russian, with that wonderfully liquid Russian accent which makes you just want to drink vodka and flirt with her until you pass out. I know the breed, unfortunately.
She might have looked like that, except she was wearing a paper face condom so all I could see were her eyes. Which were magical.
While this may be amusing, in fact it could have been taken from a university faculty’s handbook for linguistic standards. (Which is all the funnier when they used “contemporary” when in fact they should have used “contemporaneous” for extra-special orotundity and opacity.)
As I get older, more cynical and less fearful of this Game we call Life, stories like this have a strange appeal — and not necessarily from good intentions, as you will see. Here’s the executive summary:
Guy gets hired by a company, and over a period of nine years swindles enough money to fund a “fantasy lifestyle of Las Vegas and New York trips, stays in The Ritz and Savoy and Harrods shopping sprees”.
Thinking about it in the Murkin idiom, that would mean trips to London and Monaco, staying at the Ritz and Fairmont, and of course Harrods shopping sprees. (The story also mentions that the man paid for house improvements, but never mind that nonsense.)
Which brings me to the point. Eventually, the gravy train came to an end when Freddie The Fraudster was caught (ironically, through invoices for his house improvements), and he’s just been sentenced to five years in jail.
So let’s see. If I somehow stumbled onto a scheme like this, I’d live the life of Reilly for nine years (taking me to age 77), and then get to spend my dotage (assuming I even got that far) in government-subsidized accommodation with free food and healthcare until I snuffed it.
Five years of boarding school in return for nine years of utter hedonism?
Granted, there are parts of this story that are truly reprehensible — such as the fact that this mope was hired by a good man who wanted to give him a second chance at life, and he repaid the kindness by stealing the company blind for nearly a decade. That’s about as bad as it gets, and under those circumstances I would never countenance doing the same as the prisoner in the dock.
But if I could do the same while being employed by a wealthy stranger (or even better, Global MegaCorp Inc.)…
Not to mention:
Don’t even talk about it.
Unfortunately, I have a conscience, and her name is New Wife. So none of that’s gonna happen.