“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I’ve been on my fair share of dates, but after a difficult break-up nine months ago followed by a string of mediocre-at-best encounters, I’ve been feeling a bit hopeless about the modern dating landscape.
“I’m on three different dating apps but, to be honest, I’ve come very close to giving up altogether. Before I throw in the towel, however, I have decided to try something very different to my usual swipe-by-gut-instinct tactics.
“I am ‘astro-dating’ — choosing dates that are astrologically a good fit for me.
“So could cosmic dating help me bag a date for Valentine’s?
“The first challenge was finding men willing to give me their full birth chart without having ever met me. As anyone who has ever done internet dating knows, it’s hard enough to get past the swiping stage, and I admit several men ghosted me the second I mentioned star signs. Nonetheless, through a combination of ruthless flirting and the promise of free drinks, I managed to find six men who were game.
“Next up was a birth chart consultation with Yasmin Boland, astrologer and moonologer, to find out who, out of the six, I’d be most compatible with. Yasmin, a best-selling author, has been an internationally successful ‘spiritual guide’ for the past two decades and focuses on helping others find their path in life, work and, crucially, love through astrological compatibility.
“Am I on the right track?”
— Star-Struck, England
Dear Starfucked:
You didn’t mention visiting the Oracle at Delphi, or having a sacerdos consult the entrails of a chicken, so you may have missed a couple of steps on your voyage towards total insanity I mean romantic happiness. (Oh, and by the way, the traditional term for “moonologer” is “lunatic”.)
Allow me to suggest a better filter system than relying on the light of stars which may or may not have already gone out, and it involves a simple checklist of questions. Here it is:
- Do you have a favorite gun? If so, which and why?
- What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
- Are you a vegetarian or vegan?
- Do you have a liberal arts degree, or else a degree in something that is actually worth anything in the job market?
- Do you believe in astrology or unicorns?
- Turbo-charged V6 or naturally-aspirated V12?
- Do you own, or want to own a Prius?
- Do you believe that the only reason that socialism has failed everywhere it has been tried is because it just hasn’t been implemented properly?
Now, the answers:
- “I don’t like guns” — immediate disqualification. “Glock” — not a disqualification, but understand that some work may be necessary. “Do you mean handgun, rifle or shotgun?” — definitely a candidate for romance.
- “I don’t like alcohol” — immediate disqualification. “Chablis/IPA” — not a disqualification, but understand that some work may be necessary. “Wine grown on the sunny slopes of…” — poseur alert, your call. “Whatever gets me drunk quickest” — you may want to be careful with this one. Or not. “Depends on the occasion, the company and my mood” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run FAR away.
- “Liberal Arts” — approach with caution; needs clarification (e.g. Anything Studies: no). “Engineering” — considerable work may be necessary. “Never saw the need for a degree, because I wanted to start my own construction business” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run away.
- “Neither because they’re causing climate change” — immediate disqualification. “Actually, a turbo 4-cylinder is all I need” — not a bad answer, but be careful, especially if also an IPA-drinker. “Well, I like both, but I prefer off-roading in my old truck” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run away.
- “Yes” — run FAR away.
These simple questions will be all the pre-qualifiers you’ll ever need.
Or you can just choose the astrological / chicken entrails path, you fucking loser.
…whatever.
