Category: Bad News

Sponsored by:

…which is what you’ll do when you see the news.  To whit:

...sheesh, when even Brit journalists can see it...

...classified by medical science as “Ultra-Mega-Deluxe-Horny Syndrome”, a medical condition unique in that it carries the death penalty.  Or should.

...myself, I’d advocate lashings with sjamboks, but who am I to argue with the Greatest Living Englishman?

...I don’t think that’s possible, Glenn.

And from the Dept. of !!Scientific Studies!! comes:

...never knew I was a gamer, but there ya go.  That said, the study was probably conducted in the library at Broadmoor.

...are you fucking joking?

...key words: “in Turkey”.

And some good news, for a change:

...shouldn’t have served a day, let alone six months.

On Paige 3:

...oh no, that just ain’t so!!

And in the “Oh, To Be In England“ Dept.:

...all other serious crimes having been solved, that is.

And:

...how would anyone even know? 

...leading one to ask:  is there any car-based activity in Britishland today that doesn’t carry a penalty?

Then:

...actually, that’s quite a common affliction for people living south of the River Tweed.

And from The Place With No Links, a.k.a. INSIGNIFICA:

 

   

Finally, some real news:

...I would imagine that being locked up in a house with La Charlotte would strengthen quite a few things, e.g. the will to live.

 

And speaking of being at home:  shouldn’t you be on your way to work?

Brought to you by:

Wait… that may be our Valentine’s Day sponsor… oh well.

...just throwing this out there, but:  maybe it wasn’t an accident?

...I bet there are a whole bunch of American women who’d like to do the same Over Here — and as a bonus, the Ukes would have a far more “diverse” army, if you get my drift.  And in the same vein:

...I misread the third word up there, and thought they were being sarcastic.

And speaking of Catholics:

...no comment.

...his name no doubt having been taken from the Chicago voter rolls.

And in our new weekly feature, PAIGE 3:

...girl sure “wows” me (if that’s the word I’m thinking about).

...can’t say I blame him.  Would live there in a heartbeat, myself.

 
...that’s because we pass on some of our brain power to our sons, so they can continue to win more Nobel Prizes for mathematics and science than their sisters.

...hippie invasion to begin in 5…6…3…7…2… dude, whatever.

...and considering who said that, you need to lock up your sons… and grandsons, just to be on the safe side.

 
...like visiting a lion safari park on foot, and complaining when you get clawed and bitten.

And in link-less INSIGNIFICA:

 

…...tried all eight, back in in my youth. False advertising, nothing earth-shattering.

And now our Health Feature, with some yoga:

Quit yer gawking, and get to work.

Brought to you by*:

So we can now squeeze bile out of the headlines’ teats:

…

…let’s drink a toast to Vladimir Putin, Slayer Of The Greens.

...maybe a little extreme, but this is the kind of thing that happens when you’ve ordered your cops to concentrate chasing down hateful Twatters instead of actual crimes.  Side question:  what does the make of the car have to do with anything?

...I’m assuming the coke was hers, and that’s a refund?

...and if that doesn’t bring a smile to yer face, we can’t be friends.

However:

...and if you think this has a happy ending, think again — because it didn’t happen in Texas.

...go ahead and read WHY he was sentenced to death, and you’ll agree with me that after being found guilty, he should have been taken straight out of the courthouse and shot in the back of the neck.

...if there was any real justice, California’s Department of Fair Housing and Employment should have to pay all legal costs too.

...once again, if speaking the truth is harmful, can the public hangings be far away?  And once again:  asking for a friend.

...if your Eminences think that “integration” means “reintegrating migrants back into their countries of birth”, then I’m sure Meloni will be right on it.  Especially after stuff like this:

and this:

...as the Great Societal Integration Project continues.

...blame your parents, Duchess.

...nothing baffling about it;  it’s just another way to escape boredom.

And in link-averse INSIGNIFICA:

Finally, some real news:

Kelly Brook is releasing a sizzling new calendar for 2023
...okay, it’s actually a “Greatest Hits” calendar, but that shouldn’t be a problem.  Here are some of my favorite hits of Kelly:

I could go on (and on, and on, and on), but I think you can see my point.

That’s it for the news.

---

*sponsorship provided by Reader Sean F.

Brought to you by:

So, waltzing into the news:

…actually, Americans have felt this way since Reagan beat both Carter and Mondale like an old rug, only it’s taken this long for the GOPe to realize it. Morons.

...I prefer the red, because redhead;  but honestly...

...wait, didn’t President Braindead once say that all you need is a shotgun?

...actually, not at all about Jan 6.

...duh she’s not supporting Andrew, she’s reminding everyone that she knows who all the players are.

Also:

…I can’t believe it’s not an aneurysm.

And in other Health News:

…

…you mean RUI, surely?

...which is American’s standard response to any passenger complaint.

...key word:  amazingly not Florida, but Texas.

Let me know if y’all are getting sick of Paige:

...I may have edited the headline just a trifle.

...not that it matters, as she was caught in flagrante delicto later.

And in the linkage wasteland known as INSIGNIFICA:

     

   

And finally, some real news:

…I know, y’all wanna see how she’s aged:

   

And that’s the news, bad as it is.