News Roundup

...wait, you mean that I sold my Chevy Suburban and bought a Prius for nothing?

In

...only 25?  They need to pump up those numbers or else we’ll think they’re just not trying hard enough.

...forgive me if I think the term “migrant economy” should not exist in the United States.

…

And similarly in The Great Cultural Assimilation Project© :

...of course, his motive is a total mystery to both law enforcement and the press.
#France #Unexpected

...see above.
#ThanksAngelaMerkel

...in which we play the “Guess The City” game.
#Minneapolis

In International Hunting News:

...probably a whole lot cheaper just to hire a bunch of good ol’ boys from the Appalachians to do the job.

From the Sports Pages:

...yes, this will absolutely help Nike recover market share.
#BudLiteFuckup

From the Dept. of Education:

...the word “allegedly” is in there somewhere, but we all know the truth.

...Sarah Hoyt’s Shocked Face is in danger of perishing from over-use.

Time for some 

…

In our Almost True Headlines section:

...hey, it wouldn’t surprise me.

And as we peruse the real estate listings in :

...for those who don’t know, this is ol’ Charlie Sheen’s castoff:

In the first iteration of the headline, the word “dating” was used;  I simply edited it to reflect the reality of the thing.

And if that doesn’t sour you on the news, nothing will.