Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Roundup

Bad News, Men & Women

Today we feature the “All Sex, All The Time“-type roundup, with commentary shorter than Jerrold Nadler’s dick.  [sorry]


…ummm Wayne, dude:  there’s this thing called a “vasectomy”…


…and given that he’s not rich, I think the newspaper owes us a tasteful pic of his erect phallus, so we can see just what this guy’s appeal is.


…and you were slut-shamed because you were a choirgirl, right?


…“sparent”?  What’s that, Lassie?  Hoofbeats?


…given that her pool of likely suitors will come entirely from fanbois inside NASCAR Nation, I’d say her prospects are even slimmer than she thinks.


…and when you’ve lost gayboi Graham Norton…


…not to mention a distinct shortage of willing penises.


…if she’s going to get all her lovers’ faces tattooed there, she’s going to need ElastaGirl arms.


…the main question being:  did we really need to know this about the late?

And finally:


…hate to break it to you darlin’, but nobody cares why.  Here’s the proof:

Much better than Gwinnie’s bony ass.

Nitpicking

Advice

Via Insty, I read yet another one of Larry Correia’s inspired rants (go thou and read it too, yea even before thou readest further in this here Blogge), but this did catch my eye:

As a former accountant, please allow me to explain why all of today’s newly formed tax experts are fucking morons, and we should metaphorically put a brick in a sock and beat them over the head with it until they shut up.

Far be it for me to gainsay anything that the Mighty Correia has said, but even a half-brick  in a sock will only yield a couple of whacks before the sock frays and breaks.  (And yes, I know he said “metaphorically”, but I’m a literal kinda guy.)

For sustained head-whacking with enhanced hosiery, I suggest a good old Idaho potato, the fresher the better.  When the potato starts getting mushy with use (which takes a surprisingly long time), it’s a matter of a moment to replace it with a fresh one.

And if the local supermarket is closed and a potato is not to hand, gravel or beach sand will work equally well, especially if dampened before half-filling the sock. And if all else fails, take a D battery out of your MagLite, and insert into the Sock Of Doom.  (The D is the optimal size — larger will break the sock, smaller doesn’t achieve the proper velocity or momentum.)

Don’t ask me how I know all this.  We can discuss at some other time whether your Easton Marlowe is better than Calvin Klein, or whether dress socks are a better fit [sic]  for purpose than athletic ones.

No need to thank me, it’s all part of the service.

News Roundup

Bad News

Stuff barely worth commenting on, like Michelle Obama’s nude scene in her Network movie*.


…Jeffrey Epstein was unavailable for comment.


…may as well try to explain Quantum Theory to a dog.


…and why shouldn’t she?  She’s about as qualified as Barack Obama was, when he announced his candidacy.


…which leaves me somewhat conflicted:  ordinarily, I’m all in favor of chopping up random journos in the street.


…which is the primary reason people get followers:  limitless access to pudenda.  And as always, Monty Python supplies the mot juste.


…because they’re mostly a bunch of insufferable nannies who always know what’s best for you.


…good.  The only way this could be any better is if “flogging” was included in the punishment.


…FFS Bobby, just stick to making Mafia movies.


…and imagine the actual level of support if the poll were conducted in Middle America, and not on the Harvard University campus.


…and about damn time.


…hell, why not just call for public vivisection and arena-based child molestation spectacles, while you’re there?

And speaking of child molestation:  if we’re going to comment on something truly newsworthy, how about young Ariel Winter’s buttocks?

*Sorry.

 

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

It’s Monday, and if you feel swamped already, you’re not alone.

So let’s rise above the tide, buoyed by a little laughter.

…but just try to follow their instructions, and you’re the bad guy.

And I think we can all empathize with this kid:

Our official entry for the “WTF?” category:

And it’s that time of year again:

(The “customer”  is a fucking moron.  Thirty-seven years ago, that coupon probably represented a 50% discount on the price of a bottle of Crisco oil.  Today?  Maybe 10%, if that.)

And here are a few single moms, to help us get through the week:

Now quit loafing around the kitchen, and get to work.

Quote Of The Day

Numbers & Statistics, QOTD

From Taki’s Magazine:

If there are two categories in which black people outperform nearly everyone else on the planet, those would be sporting events and crime.

Our modern era is no different from other ones, despite our pretensions at civilization.  You can get pilloried, accused and even arrested just for speaking the truth.

Galileo would understand exactly what I’m saying.