Ahhhh the good old days… but wait!
...wait: “on record” = only 40 years? Lessee, on the geological time scale, that’s ummmm… unnoticeable.
...note: “if“.
From the FAFO Files (with embedded link for each):
…and then: 
…
In Third World News:
...just wait till they get the bill for us providing them with Western civilization. And speaking of uncivilized:
...turns out the Chinese-owned companies in Africa just pay up to get their employees back; so expect more stories like this. A lot more.
In 
:
...we’re gonna need a bigger chopper.
From the Medical Files (Gummint Division):
...eh, he was just the anesthetist; what could possibly go wrong?
In Entertainment News:
...yeah, I think you might be just a little late to the party here, buddy.
How about some Education News:
Former substitute teacher pleads guilty to child sexual assault
...what is the matter with these women?
And from the Legal Eagles Department:
...okay, who are you and what have you done with Alan Dershowitz?
In the department of Not One Rat’s Ass Given:
...on the gloomy side, this means that over one in five Americans actually do care about this non-event.
...I’m so glad you asked this; it’s a perfect setup for more 
...now they tell me.
And strolling down 
:
...well, we haven’t seen Our Mandy in a while, so:
And in earlier times:
So much for the news.