Category: 3 Inexplicable Things

…done these three things:

• watched Dr. Who  on TV,
• read a Jilly Cooper novel (although I might give in at some point because I despair at the level of modern writing and its authors),
• ridden a horse.

I always thought that Dr. Who  was an infantile take on sci-fi — just hearing people talk about the show irritated me — so I never bothered.  I kinda feel the same about Star Trek, although I have watched a few episodes of that series, always kicking myself for wasting time immediately after the closing credits.

I don’t know why I never read Jilly Cooper’s books, unless it was because of my misogynistic attitude to female writers.  No, I can’t be bothered to explain that, either.  Reading the blurb on the back of any of her novels, I always wondered why I would ever be interested in her silly, two-dimensional characters and fluffy inconsequential plot lines, and I’d return the book to the shelf, un-tempted into its purchase.  The only thing I can find to recommend Dame Jilly, other than the obvious:

…is that she always had a very casual attitude towards sex, both in her writing and in her observations about the people around her.  Not judgemental, she.  Besides:  it was the 1970s and -80s, FFS [sic].

Horses are filthy, fragile animals, prone to all sorts of illnesses, and even the “quiet” ones are always trying to kill you.  Besides, as black powder and muzzle loaders have been superseded by metallic cartridges and bolt-actions, our transportation needs have evolved and we don’t need them.

• After the age of 35, never go on top unless it’s reverse cowgirl. (Executive Summary:  your face looks like a bloodhound as the skin sags.)  Just beware of the reverse cowgirl too, because he’s going to get a good view of your saggy, wrinkled butt.  It’s far less stressful to do the naughty under these conditions:

• If you’re going to go for a toyboy, the ideal formula is:  your age divided by two, and above.  If the result is less than 30, you should be ashamed of yourself.  Ignore if fabulously rich or else once fabulously gorgeous, e.g. Joan Collins.

• Over the age of 50, never be photographed showing your knees, unless you’re sitting down with legs bent (see pics below of Jane Seymour, 74, who follows this rule religiously).

(Executive Summary:  Wrinkles around the knees are like rings on a tree:  they increase with age.)

—

The three things a Texas boy likes to see the most?

• The “Welcome to Texas” road sign at the Oklahoma border
• The “BBQ” sign on any restaurant while traveling
• The sight of a naked woman standing at the foot of your bed, pulling off your cowboy boots.

I don’t know what people from other states enjoy seeing, so feel free to enlighten me.

As any fule kno, I yield to no man for the love of my adopted country.  I am an American by choice, and doubleplusproud I am to be that.

However:  there are three things peculiar to the U.S. that got up my nose soon after I arrived here, and they have continued to bug the hell out of me ever since.

1) Date format:  I know that we can do pretty much anything we want because Murka, but FFS why do we insist on mm/dd/yy (or /yyyy ever since Y2K) when the rest of the world uses dd/mm/yyyy?  It makes no sense, forces one to insert an unnecessary comma when writing out the date — e.g. November 19 COMMA 2024, to prevent numbers running into each other — when going with the universal format would just make things easier.  For everybody.

2) Gallons:  I have no problem with using Imperial weights and measures, because they make things easier for everyday life over the artificial metric system.  But why the hell do we have a liquid gallon that is smaller than the Imperial gallon?  I was looking at a lovely old car’s specs the other day, and saw that it had a “tiny” 15-gallon fuel tank — and then realized that it was a Jaguar, and they were quoting Imperial gallons (in this case 18 U.S. gallons).  I mean, we don’t have a mile that’s shorter than an Imperial mile — we could just go metric for that, don’t get me started — so why a use a smaller gallon measure?

3) Floor numbers:   When you step into an elevator / lift in any developed country outside the U.S., you see the selector thus:

…but in the U.S., it’s:    

Why no ground floor?  Once again, it’s something we do that nobody else does, and it often leads to confusion when talking to a non-Murkin.  FFS, every building has a floor that’s at ground-level, so why not use the “G” and say “ground floor”?

No doubt there are all sorts of sound reasons why we Murkins have gone our own way — and don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with that mindset, e.g.:

…but I do need to wave my hands when such non-conformity makes absolutely no sense at all.

In all three of the above cases.

…about Kamala Harris:

1. As VP, she has transformed ol’ Dan Quayle into a Mensa-level genius
2. She has more hair than FJBiden
3. Her speeches make foreign-language interpreters wave the white flag.

And that’s all before we consider her other qualities.

# MadFellatioSkillz #WillieBrownKnows