Author: Kim du Toit

Over here, a couple of guys gripe about ten most irritating things about modern cars.  To save you time, I’ve listed them here, with my thoughts:

• Beeping — It’s like being locked in your car with a nagging Catholic/Jewish mother:  do this, don’t do that, why haven’t you etc. etc.  Whether it’s seatbelts, lane changing (more of that later) or any one of the many things that someone else thinks that you should/shouldn’t do, I am often tempted just to cut the fucking wires to the speaker.
• Wireless phone chargers — I haven’t come across this nonsense myself because I last bought a car in 2015, but the guys in the video sum it up perfectly:  it makes your phone hot, and doesn’t perform as advertised unless your phone is perfectly positioned.  It’s all part of making everything bluetoothed instead of cabled.
• Artificial engine noise — First they soundproof the car, and then because some drivers would actually like to hear the sound the car makes, or want their car to sound all shouty without the necessary engine to make it so, the car pipes in fake engine noise.  If that’s not a good analogy for the A.I./fake/digital/artificial times we live in, I can’t think of a better one.
• Voice-activated assist — I call this “creeping Alexa”, where one has to rely on some fucking software to recognize your voice (which it often can’t, with comical / disastrous consequences), all instead of you just turning a switch or pushing a button.  And speaking of which:
• Screen buttons instead of actual switches — There’s no excuse for this, and this has nothing to do with “safety” (the usual excuse) because the plain fact of the matter is that screen switches are cheaper than mechanical switches, and that saves the manufacturer money (which savings are never passed on to the customer, needless to say).  And speaking of safety:  the screen buttons require that one be at the correct screen to enable the things to work;  if not, one has to scroll backwards or forwards until the correct screen puts in an appearance — and all this requires taking one hand off the steering wheel for an extended period, and taking one’s eyes off the road.  Anyone else see a potential problem here?
• Modern headlights are too bright — I’ve noticed this trend, and it’s fucking dangerous to other drivers, especially in rainy and/or night-time conditions.  You’re not having to land an airliner on a narrow runway;  you’re driving down a street, FFS, with oncoming traffic.  (And if you’re out in the boonies and need brighter lights, add a spotlight bar.)
• High-gloss finishes (e.g. piano black) — I don’t even like shiny finishes on gun stocks (hello, Browning!), and I see no need for something similar in a car that is basically a dust/fingerprint collector.
• Subscription services / features — Once again, just another way for auto manufacturers to bleed money out of the customer once the car has been sold.  The nice part of this is that not having some of these features (seat warmers, etc.) has the effect of taking us back to earlier times when we managed perfectly well without all these luxury geegaws.  But I await with bated breath the time when things like windshield wipers, turn signals and high beams all become something you have to pay monthly fees for, instead of them just being part of the (horribly-inflated) sticker price of the car.  And when I say “bated breath”, I mean when the breath becomes “unbated”, that will be a signal to load up the AK.
• Start/stop buttons — I have ranted about this piece of automotive excrescence more times than I can count.  Yes, I know that you can disable the thing;  but the latest wheeze from these godless fucks is to make it reset every time you switch off the car, which means you have to disable the function as part of the starting procedure every time you want to drive somewhere.   The days of getting in, turning a key and moving on are so far in the distant past that one wonders how the Three Wise Men made it to Bethlehem without satnav — which, by the way, is fast becoming yet another subscription service.
• Lane assist / traffic distancing — It’s one thing when these functions beep at you as a warning;  it’s another thing altogether when the functions takes over the driving for you.  Apart from the foul nanny philosophy behind the thing, it can also be life-threatening.

Now go and watch the video — especially the last couple of minutes — because those guys are funny where I’m just fucking enraged.