Over here, a couple of guys gripe about ten most irritating things about modern cars. To save you time, I’ve listed them here, with my thoughts:
- Beeping — It’s like being locked in your car with a nagging Catholic/Jewish mother: do this, don’t do that, why haven’t you etc. etc. Whether it’s seatbelts, lane changing (more of that later) or any one of the many things that someone else thinks that you should/shouldn’t do, I am often tempted just to cut the fucking wires to the speaker.
- Wireless phone chargers — I haven’t come across this nonsense myself because I last bought a car in 2015, but the guys in the video sum it up perfectly: it makes your phone hot, and doesn’t perform as advertised unless your phone is perfectly positioned. It’s all part of making everything bluetoothed instead of cabled.
- Artificial engine noise — First they soundproof the car, and then because some drivers would actually like to hear the sound the car makes, or want their car to sound all shouty without the necessary engine to make it so, the car pipes in fake engine noise. If that’s not a good analogy for the A.I./fake/digital/artificial times we live in, I can’t think of a better one.
- Voice-activated assist — I call this “creeping Alexa”, where one has to rely on some fucking software to recognize your voice (which it often can’t, with comical / disastrous consequences), all instead of you just turning a switch or pushing a button. And speaking of which:
- Screen buttons instead of actual switches — There’s no excuse for this, and this has nothing to do with “safety” (the usual excuse) because the plain fact of the matter is that screen switches are cheaper than mechanical switches, and that saves the manufacturer money (which savings are never passed on to the customer, needless to say). And speaking of safety: the screen buttons require that one be at the correct screen to enable the things to work; if not, one has to scroll backwards or forwards until the correct screen puts in an appearance — and all this requires taking one hand off the steering wheel for an extended period, and taking one’s eyes off the road. Anyone else see a potential problem here?
- Modern headlights are too bright — I’ve noticed this trend, and it’s fucking dangerous to other drivers, especially in rainy and/or night-time conditions. You’re not having to land an airliner on a narrow runway; you’re driving down a street, FFS, with oncoming traffic. (And if you’re out in the boonies and need brighter lights, add a spotlight bar.)
- High-gloss finishes (e.g. piano black) — I don’t even like shiny finishes on gun stocks (hello, Browning!), and I see no need for something similar in a car that is basically a dust/fingerprint collector.
- Subscription services / features — Once again, just another way for auto manufacturers to bleed money out of the customer once the car has been sold. The nice part of this is that not having some of these features (seat warmers, etc.) has the effect of taking us back to earlier times when we managed perfectly well without all these luxury geegaws. But I await with bated breath the time when things like windshield wipers, turn signals and high beams all become something you have to pay monthly fees for, instead of them just being part of the (horribly-inflated) sticker price of the car. And when I say “bated breath”, I mean when the breath becomes “unbated”, that will be a signal to load up the AK.
- Start/stop buttons — I have ranted about this piece of automotive excrescence more times than I can count. Yes, I know that you can disable the thing; but the latest wheeze from these godless fucks is to make it reset every time you switch off the car, which means you have to disable the function as part of the starting procedure every time you want to drive somewhere. The days of getting in, turning a key and moving on are so far in the distant past that one wonders how the Three Wise Men made it to Bethlehem without satnav — which, by the way, is fast becoming yet another subscription service.
- Lane assist / traffic distancing — It’s one thing when these functions beep at you as a warning; it’s another thing altogether when the functions takes over the driving for you. Apart from the foul nanny philosophy behind the thing, it can also be life-threatening.
Now go and watch the video — especially the last couple of minutes — because those guys are funny where I’m just fucking enraged.
I pretty much agree on all points on this one. I have been away from the automotive industry since 2009, but even then it was clear that relatively few people in charge of the automakers are “car guys” with a passion for the products.
Also to mention, the headlight problem is a regulatory issue not a problem with the technology. The new headlights are supposed to be variable to conditions (and are in most other countries) but that isn’t allowed here so we get bright setting all the time (as opposed to high beams which is different).
The problem I see (sic) with headlights is not their brightness, but that the beam is FTMP “uncontrolled”. A half-century ago I switched all my vehicles to Euro-style lights with a compound reflector that controlled the output of the Lo-beam to a horz. cut-off with a rise to the right of dead ahead to help pick-up things of interest along the road on the right like signs, poles, pedestrians, etc. All this was available in the days of those evil, high-output “Halogen” headlamps, I can’t see why it shouldn’t be available – or required – in our new LED headlights that seemingly blind people at High Noon. Unfortunately, many of our state’s DMV’s are stuck back in the era of sealed-beams – and I think the Feds are too.
It is the federal regulations that prevent the European style controlled headlights.
//the car pipes in fake engine noise//
YAIIT The Marching Morons.
.
Re. the subscription service issue. For something like heated seats, my biggest issue is that YOU’VE ALREADY PAID FOR THE HEATED SEATS!!!! For a subscription service to work, the actual heating mechanism and controls have to be already installed in the car. And since they are already in the car, that means you already paid for them when you bought the car. The “subscription” is merely you paying for permission to turn them on, when you already paid for them and own them. Not that I want heated seats in Texas, but still – if I already paid for it then fuck them and the fucking horse they rode in on.
Oh yeah, and touch screens fail. They do. Over time, over use, dirty hands, etc. The one in my 2013 Ram failed and it took 6 fucking months for them to source a replacement. While under warranty (thank God for that). And during that 6 months, the dealership continually called and kept trying to upsell me into a new truck. I finally delivered an ultimatum that unless they could fix my current truck, any future attempts to sell me a new one would be considered harassment and I would sue.
In any event, I can restore a 57 Chevy. In 50 years, no one will be able to restore a current year vehicle because there will be no spare touch screens available and no possible replacement for them. And no way to control any of the basic functions without it. We live in a disposable nation.
I would agree with all but one of your bullet points, that being the last one; lane-keep assist and adaptive cruise. As even good drivers age our once-good attention spans get shorter, road awareness can lapse ever-so-briefly, and reflexes ain’t what they used to be. Mix that in with some texting teenage twinkie, or a MILF watching Tik-Tok videos at highway speed, and that’s a recipe for Bad Things happening. If that kind of tech keeps a bad driver in their lane or brakes automatically to prevent a rear-end collision I’m good with that tech. The rest of it is pure evil.
Story time. I rented an Audi A7 in Germany last week that had fully-auto everything, including going “ding” at me repeatedly at even 1 km over any posted limit. Frustrating as hell.
Since I have become comfortable with adaptive cruise in my Jeep and wanted that tiny bit of nannying in case I briefly lost concentration at 180kmh on the Autobahn, I grabbed for the ACC control stalk, pulled it towards me…and the sodding car started to drive itself. Lane-keep assist and adaptive cruise are fine, but full auto-drive? GTFOOH mate.
But in the name of sheer intellectual curiosity, since such an occurrence will never be allowed to happen again if I have any say in the matter, and with hands and feet ready to take over, I let the feckin’ thing take me up to 200kmh on its own. All I had to do was lane selection and final braking to a stop. It took the directions I had already programmed into Google Maps and it navigated me (safely) to my hotel in Munich. I was living in the future! Now zap me back to the 1970s and we shall call it a day.
MILF watching tik-tok videos?
MILF – “Oh heavens, I can’t afford another ding to my insurance rates! Is there any other way I can, um, compensate you for the damages to your vehicle?”
Me – “Dear Penthouse, …”
Don, you have an evil mind. Welcome to the club.
Touch screens in a car are a mark of the evil one.
I had my car in the shop and was driving a rental with this nonsense. I was driving and noticed the steering wheel was hot, and my ass was burning in the seats. Ok, the steering and seat heaters were on.
No tactile controls. So I’m going up the road, veering into other lanes as I’m stabbing at the stupid screen to find the controls. Super stupid and dangerous. Every vehicle I’ve owned has had buttons for this feature. You could glance down, usually to the console, and see the light telling you the feature was on.
Absolutley retarded.
I agree with you across the board Kim.
The lane assist and adaptive cruise control and collision warning might be helpful in some instances. The ease of shutting them off is a huge asset if they’re going to foist these other features onto us.
The only positive thing about the auto shutoff at stops and such is that the folks who make starters will sell more starters as they wear out. For the rest of us it is a needless plague.
The cordless cell phone charger in my truck is dreadful to use so it has become a collection point for sunglasses and such.
The touch screen is dreadful in all of these cars. A screen is for giving me quick information like radio station, volume and little else. Scrolling through screens to find a control is a dangerous distraction to the driver. I’m surprised the government allowed these to be installed. Then again they’re bureaucrats so critical thinking is a skill set abhorred by them.
Heated seat is nice for back pain and cold weather but not necessary.
Subscription “services” is nothing short of extortion. You have a nice car here, if you want to use all the features that you already paid for, you’ll have to send a monthly payment or Rocco will come shut your car features off, capisce? The only subscription for a car should be fuel and maintenance costs.
Voice activated nonsense. geesh why do I need a car specific AI “wife” to nag me?
Bright headlights -I’m glad that you can see the road but the rest of us are now blind so we’re going to veer into you. Maybe I should try that instead of flicking my high beams at someone trying to blind me. The poxy lane assist will probably start bitching at that point.
I haven’t come across the artificial engine noises because I refuse to drive any of those glorified golf carts on a public or private road.
Back to your post about winning a ludicrous amount of money in the lottery, If I ever win one of those I might need a 40×60 garage to store my pre 2005 pickup trucks for parts as I wear out one of the older trucks without the electronic frustrations on board.
That last one is close to my biggest peeve, but did not mention it directly. Last year I rented a SKODA (a VW made by Czechs) that had what is called “haptic lane drift warning”. What is this you say? Well, the idiots that designed the car (Krauts) thought it a splendid idea to warn the driver when he is not absolutely dead center in his lane to the +/- one millimeter of center.
Not only that, when you move near the lane marker lines on purpose, the steering tried to FORCE you to turn the wheel back to center of lane. It also fights you when changing lanes until the idiot box notices you are again in a lane. I absolutely detest this crap and find it dangerous in the extreme. Could not find how to turn it off (probably EU law against that or some such).
If I ever find my old 1965 Impala Wagon with rear facing third row seats, in decent condition, may dump the Tiguan (not quite as bad as that Skoda, but close) for same.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, above, I’m of the opposite mind, and here’s precisely why. I rented a car with lane keep assist in Ireland back in 2019; my first experience with that technology. I’d just emerged from an overnight flight on which I had gotten no sleep whatsoever. It was foggy and wet (because Ireland) and the roads were obscenely narrow (again, because Ireland). About two hours after I started driving from Dublin to Galway I felt the wheel move sharply in my hand, and I realized I had been drifting into the right (passing) lane. This had been my first venture into right-hand-drive in about a dozen years so I was a tad rusty, and combined with fatigue and conditions, it’s very possible that haptic lane assist saved my fat American-Irish arse from a fate even worse than death—the Irish medical system.
Over the next week I played with the feature extensively and it was quite accurate in its mission. One only needed to engage one’s turn signal for it to validate the lane change and not try to correct the perceived error of one’s ways. Especially in a country with narrow roads and steep cliffs, this old fart welcomed that particular nanny with open arms.
I’ve since had loaner cars while my Jeep was getting new rubber ducks installed on the dash or some such, and the Stellantis’ lane assist worked even better than that Opel or whatever it was I drove in Ireland. My Jeep does have adaptive cruise, but it’s horrid, although it does help on long drives.
Touch screens I can take or leave. I’m used to them now, but like anybody with two red brain cells to rub together I’d prefer manual physical toggle switches.
In My very Humble Opinion since my wife will not let me drive any longer (probably with good reason since I’m an 86 yo who still drives like he’s 16), I think these cars are made for kids who’ve trained on video games, with the concomitant, expected result: fast-rising insurance rates
She won’t let you drive? I’m seventy, and I still drive like I’m a stunt driver for Ron Howard’s early car movies. You have all my sympathy, Boron.
My pet peeve: cars without proper keys! I want a keyed ignition, and mechanical locks on the doors.