Category: Funny Stuff

In keeping with last Saturday’s Crap List / Top 25 British cars, here’s my attempt at the top 25 greatest German cars of all time.

1) 1947-1982 VW Beetle:  Yeah, call it “Hitler’s Revenge” or “Porsche’s Abomination” or whatever, the Beetle sold in the jillions in almost every single country in the world — definitely the “People’s Car” in any language — and even today it has the ability to get a smile whenever it’s seen on the road.  Pretty much every model was iconic, from 1947 till the last variant made some sixty-five years later.

2) 1955 Mercedes 300 SL Gullwing:  I’m not sure that anyone can argue with this selection;  easily one of the greatest sports cars of the 1950s (and perhaps of all time), it won the Millie Miglia several times, and still commands top dollar in any sports car collection.

3) 1956 Mercedes W186 300 S Coupé (“SC”):  When the company’s top executive says that the engineers have to build him a car that can run all day on the autobahn at top speed without breaking down, but must still be luxurious… you get the 300 S line, and the two-door coupé was the best-looking.

4) 1966 Porsche 911 S:  Quite possibly the greatest sports car model ever made.  Its shape was (and still is) iconic, and despite the rear-engined layout being a nightmare for handling, it’s a wonderful car.  Alone among “performance” (as opposed to “touring”) sports cars, the average 911 has been driven more miles than any other brand, which says everything about its reliability and fun-to-drive ethos.  Second only to the Beetle in terms of longevity (September of this year will mark its sixtieth consecutive year of production).

5) 1976 VW Golf:  Speaking of Beetles:  you’re tasked with designing the Beetle’s successor and now, some 35 million cars later, it’s still selling like hot cakes.  And speaking of “hot”, its GTI variant set the standard for the “hot hatch” concept across all manufacturers.  Oh, and you can till fit a grand piano in the back. [some hyperbole there]

So that’s my top 5.  Let’s look at the rest.

6) 1958 BMW 507: Definitely one of the best-looking sports cars ever made (and certainly the best-looking BMW sports car ever made), the 507 gained infamy as the car that nearly bankrupted BMW.  In today’s world, the 507 would be a rival to any other sports car;  in the late 1950s, its stratospheric price — higher than any Ferrari — was death to sales.

7) 1979 Audi Quattro:  Took full-time four-wheel drive out of off-road and into passenger cars.  Also killed the rally car scene for other manufacturers until they too went 4WD.

8) 1964 Mercedes 230 SL “Pagoda”:  The shape was different from anything out there, and it lasted through two engine upgrades (250, 280) for the next six years.  Then there’s the fact that the pagoda top was removable — and its removal made the 230 SL a sexy little drop-top instead of just a handsome mini-coupé.

9) 1952 Porsche 356:  Rather underpowered at first, the 356 added “reliability” to the “fun” of the British sports cars of the time and still has a place in the hearts of all Porsche fans.

10) 1969 Mercedes 280 SEL 6.3:  If the base 280 SE was a good car (and it was), the blown-out 6.3-liter-engined W109 SEL monster was the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing.  Like its 50s-era 300 S parent, the 6.3 combined blistering speed, handling and luxury in a single model, and was the fastest saloon car in the world for many years.

11) 1938 BMW 328:  Even though the Nazis were forcing BMW to make aircraft engines for the coming little disturbance in 1939, the Bavarians still managed to create a little sportster that was the best of the breed until the late 1950s.

12) 1988 Porsche 959:   The world’s fastest street-legal production car when it was released, the 959 was also the most complex car of its time, the first to use several computers to manage the engine and stop the car from killing the driver (not always successfully).

13) 1976 BMW M3 E30:  Some 50 years since its introduction, the E30 still competes with all the modern cars, and wins.  The entire 3-series has been BMW’s most successful model, but the E30 is the best.

14) 1932 Horch 670 V12:  One of Mercedes’s principal competitors in the interwar years, the Horch set standards for all European luxury tourers.  (Apparently, Audi is planning on using the “Horch” name for its ultra-luxury competitor to the Mercedes Maybach line.)  And speaking of luxury:

15) 1936 Mercedes 540K:   …brought the concept of “much more than 100mph” into everyday car-speak forever.  The supercharged 5-liter engine was, for its time, the equivalent of a Saturn-V rocket.  It was the car that announced that its owner Had Arrived.

16) Audi R8:  With V10 power (or V8 for the wussies / cheapskates), it doesn’t matter that the R8 shares a platform with its cousin, the Lambo.  It means business, and it’s instantly recognizable.

17) 1936 Auto Union Wanderer W25:  Its nearest competitor would have come from England (the MG TA), but the mid-market Wanderer was more powerful, more reliable and cheaper.  And it looked (and still looks) fantastic.

18) 1959 Mercedes 190 SL:  When the 300SL proved to be too expensive and too powerful for the mass market, Mercedes toned everything down a bit, but went a little too far in the power department.  The smaller 190 SL was actually better looking than the Gullwing, but it was hopelessly underpowered by comparison.  So despite the price, the beautiful 190 SL’s sales were underwhelming.

19) 2011 Wiesman GT-3:  The German equivalent to Clarkson’s “a man in a shed called Ken”, and an answer to the question:  “What would a 1935 Bugatti Atlantic look like in the modern era?”

21) 1970 Opel GT:  Proof that even if you’re a division of General Motors (where good car designs go to die), you can still make a small, fun and beautiful sports car.

22) 1972 Mercedes G500:  Yeah, it started off as a .dotmil Bundeswehr  jeep, but its civilian incarnation is sublime.  It makes a statement, that statement being “Yes, I know it costs way too much, gets crap gas mileage, has the style quality (and aerodynamics) of two stacked bricks, and its earlier diesel engine had less power than a Pekinese — but I don’t care.”

23) 2010 Mercedes SLS AMG C197:  Any resemblances between the SLS and the 1950s 300 SL  are completely intentional.  Now add less weight and blistering pace…

24) 1938 Maybach SW 38:  Their engines powered almost all of the WWI German Luftstreitkräfte aircraft and airships, but after that they also made some cars before the little 1939-45 adventure (during which their engines powered almost every Wehrmacht tank).  The SW 38 model made Mercedes sit up and take notice, and MB later bought Maybach in 1960 to turn it into their upscale brand.

25) 1992 Porsche 928 GTS:  Porsche’s first entry into the “luxury family car” market started  in 1978 with a front-mounted (!) 4.7L V8, and ended in 1992 with an absolute rocket, powered by a 5.4L V8.  All the models had room for luggage, unlike any other Porsche before (and arguably since).

There are others, but these 25 are the greatest.

I don’t know why I subject myself to these things — pure masochism, probably — but here’s yet another flawed list of stuff as per the Daily Mail:

The 50 greatest British cars of all time ranked by experts

Okay, let’s start with some definitions, specifically the meaning of “greatest”.  Are we talking most popular in terms of sales, most memorable, most iconic, best performance… which?  Any?  All of the above?

Let’s not even start talking about a list that includes models from Toyota and Nissan.  (Ford, however, gets a pass because Ford UK has often gone their own way, in terms of both design and performance not reflected in the US company’s models.)

Sheesh, I’m not even sure that Britain has ever produced as many as 50 cars that could be called great.  My list will be confined to 25.

Still, it’s no use criticizing someone else’s list without putting forward your own, with supporting arguments.

Here’s Kim’s List of Top 25 British Cars

#1:  Mini.  Can’t argue with this one.  It’s quintessentially British, punches way above its weight class, typified the spirit of an era and not even the Germans could mess it up when they bought the company, although they tried.

#2:  E-type Jaguar.  No argument here, either.  Easily one of the most beautiful cars ever designed, and performance that even today measures up to modern sports car standards.

#3:  Land Rover Series/Defender.  Quite possibly the most iconic British car, internationally.  Can still be found chugging around the Third World, in both private and military service.  Was the most popular UV until Toyota introduced their Land Cruiser.

#4:  Range Rover.  Created the entire class, and was the benchmark for the term “luxury sports-utility vehicle”.

So my top 4 is the same as the Mail’s top 4.  Here’s where our opinions start to diverge, however.

#5:  Aston Martin DB5.  Thanks to James Bond, to many people it’s more the quintessential British sports car than the E-type.

#6:  Rolls Royce Silver Ghost.  The first true luxury sedan, made to the most exacting standards, and a car fit for kings.  Before the First World War, after which kings became somewhat redundant (more’s the pity).

#7:  MG T-Series.  Made silly little British sports cars enormously popular in the U.S., starting during WWII when visiting American soldiers discovered the concept of “open-top fun driving”, and took the TA and later the TC models home with them.  They were an absolute mainstay of British exports during that period, and helped Britain’s war-ravaged economy immensely.

#8:  Jaguar XK120.  Another stalwart export for Britain, the XK120 was also wonderfully fast for its time, and it always amazed me that in a country known principally for its rain, so many cars were “drophead” soft top models.

#9:  SS-100.  The first of the breed, the 1930s-era Standard Swallow (later Jaguar) Model 100 was a snorting monster more suited for the then-new German autobahns than the pitiful British country lanes of the period.

#10:  Bentley Blower.  Competed in (and won many of) the early Le Mans 24-hour races in the 1930s, sometimes in 1-2 finishes.  (The DM‘s list puts this baddest-of-bad-boys at #29, which just shows you what idiots the judges are.)

Those are my Top 10.  Now for the nochschleppers.

11.  Jaguar MkII.  I’ve spoken about this car before, noting its outstanding good looks, luxury and wonderful performance — and all for a price well below what similar luxury cars demanded at the time.

#12:  Austin Seven.  Known as the “Seven” because its 747cc engine put out a princely seven horsepower.  It may surprise some people, but back in the 1920s, the pace of life was much slower and the power of seven horses was still quite marvelous.  It was Britain’s answer to Ford’s Model T, and Austin ended up selling just under three hundred thousand of them.

13.  Morgan Plus 4.  It was made for 70 (seventy!) years, almost unchanged since 1950, and should still be in production but it isn’t.

#14:  Ford Cortina.  An unassuming little saloon car, the lightweight Cortina became a common view in the road races of its time.  I’m showing the rear view of this Mark 1 because of its trademark rear light setup.

#15:  Lotus Seven / Caterham.  “Add lightness” was the brilliant designer Colin Chapman’s famous dictum, and nothing embodies this better than the bare-bones Seven.  And in their Caterham incarnation, they’re still being made and sold either as DIY kits or fully assembled.

#16:  Morris Minor.  Designed in 1948 by the same guy who designed the Mini (#1) and manufactured until 1971 (!), the Minor was the first British car to sell over a million units (actually, 1.6 million altogether), and for a very long time, defined “Britishness” in the minds of many.

#17:  Alvis Speed 25.  The wonderful Speed 25 doesn’t even appear on the DM‘s list, hence the “crap” epithet in the title.

#18:  Austin Healey 3000.  I’ve spoken before of my affection for this lovely beast, and it took a mighty effort of will not to put it in the top 5.

#19:  MGB GT.  Beloved by everyone who ever owned one, the GT was another of those quintessentially British sports cars.

#20:  AC Ace.  The Ace was in a class of its own:  a 120bhp engine covered by a token body and begrudgingly, a seat for the driver.  It still looked wonderful, and in addition to a 100+mph top speed (rare during the mid-1950s), it was the progenitor of Carroll Shelby’s mighty AC Cobra,

#21.  Ford Escort.  Like its predecessor the Cortina, the Escort became the 1970s (and -80s) solution to the need for a small, economical family car.  And like the Cortina, it became a mainstay of street- and even rally-car racing.  Unlike the Cortina, however, Ford UK sold over four million Escorts from 1967 till 2004.  And the Cosworth-powered RS2000 model was an absolute monster which could keep up with the Dino Ferrari of similar vintage in a light-to-light drag race.

#22:  Jaguar XJ6.  Like its earlier saloon predecessor the MkII, the XJ6 combined power, extreme luxury and excellent styling.

#23:  Triumph TR4.  Yes, another sports car.  Except that anyone who’s ever driven a TR4 will still tell you how great it was.

#24:  Rolls Royce Silver Cloud MkII.  Was there ever another car which described “class” and “luxury” better, and was there another car of such ilk ever so instantly recognizable?  Unlikely.

#25:  McLaren 720S.  Alert Readers will have noticed that I’ve given short shrift to modern British cars, and that’s because nowadays they all look and behave like cars from other countries.  [250,00-word rant on modern cars deleted]
However, the 720S deserves a spot on this — or any — list of great cars, because it was built with absolutely no compromises.  It had to be super-fast, super-light and (comparatively speaking) super-reliable.  Oh, and it had to be able to carry a passenger and handle lots of luggage as well.  So the legendary Gordon Murray produced this beast, which even put the driver’s seat in the center of the chassis (for the no-compromise driver experience), relegating the two passenger seats to the rear.  And until the arrival of the ridiculous (and vanity project) Bugatti Veyron several years later, the 720S was the fastest production car in the world.

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I know, I know:  British cars are unreliable, there’s Lucas Electrical, they fall apart and they leak rainwater.  However, there’s one thing the Britishlanders can do as well or better than any other nation on Earth:  design wonderful cars.  (The execution of such design magnificence, however:  hello, British Leyland.)

But when it comes to creating something beautiful, astounding and occasionally world-beating, few nations can compete with (in Jeremy Clarkson’s memorable expression) some British guy named Trevor in a shed somewhere in Blackpool.

Here’s the TVR Coupe of 1958:

(TVR = “TreVoR” Wilkinson)

Ever wonder why almost all Formula 1 cars’ headquarters are based in Britishland?

‘Nuff said.