Category: The Worst

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

• CD box set of “Frank Sinatra: The Vegas Years”
• $100 gift card for Crabtree & Evelyn
• DVD box set of Girls
• “No Meat, Ever: A Vegan Cookbook”
• Divorce papers

Your own suggestions in Comments. Bonus points if you’ve ever actually received any of them.

For men or women:

• The seaside (where you’ll soon discover why sandpaper used to be made with beach sand)
• Lena Dunham’s bedroom
• Any public restroom
• On an active movie set or at a frat house party (pretty much the same thing, nowadays)
• Harvey Weinstein’s hotel room

Your suggestions in Comments. Extra points if it’s a place where you actually had sex for the first time.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness;

• Cold lamp pole (in sub-zero temperatures)
• Hot gun barrel
• Electric socket
• Horse’s ass
• Kathy Griffin (projectile vomit warning)

Your suggestions in Comments, as usual.

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:

• “Sorry about your inheritance, kids; but I think I still owe the I.R.S. four million dollars.”
• “I’m not your real father, Jimmy; Harvey Weinstein is.”
• “Kids, I’ve got ten million dollars stashed in a secret account in… urgggglllgh.”
• In your dying delirium, telling Claire you always loved her, when your wife’s name is Patricia.
• “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always. Tastelessness preferred.

Ranked in ascending order of dreadfulness:

• “Heil Hitler!”
• “As the best man, let me start by apologizing to everyone that the groom didn’t show up for the ceremony today…”
• “Ladies and gentlemen, and those who’ve had the operation…”
• “Before I start my speech, let me first tell you the joke about the nigger, the Jewboy and the faggot…”
• “Tonight I want to explain how I lost the election to Donald Trump…”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always.

…because we’ve already explored the five worst things to hear after sex:

• “Sorry, I guess my diarrhea hasn’t finished yet”
• “Can you go a little deeper?”
• “I think you’re making my genital warts bleed”
• “I wish I was anywhere else but here right now”
• “When I said you were tighter than a 10-year-old, that was supposed to be a compliment.”

Your suggestions in Comments. If they were actually said to you (e.g. the penultimate one, in my case), so much the better.