5 Worst Things To Hear After Sex

Ranked in order of awfulness:

For a man to hear:

  • “Did I come? No.”
  • “OMG — is that my husband’s car pulling into the driveway?”
  • “No, my herpes flare-up is completely over.”
  • “Hello? Is that the Campus Rape Counsel Office?”
  • “My name is Lena Dunham.”

For a woman to hear:

  • “Well, I’m never going to buy that brand of condom again.”
  • “I have to go — my wife’s going to wonder why I’m so late.”
  • “To be honest, I preferred your kid sister.”
  • “I thought you’d enjoy anal sex.”
  • “Welcome to the Kennedy Compound.”


  1. For him:

    1) You know I used to be a man, right?
    2) You’re SO much better than Charlie Sheen
    3) Oh look, my husband’s home early from his deployment
    4) What should we name our child?
    5) OK, your turn, roll over and I’ll get the strap-on

  2. For a man:
    1: You remind me of my grandfather/father/brother/uncle, or son.
    2: You remind me of your grandfather/father/brother/uncle, or son.
    3: That’s why I have only had sex with black men.
    4: Hold on, I’ll call 911.
    5: Maybe you should take more than one Viagra.

  3. For her:
    -Thank you, Rophynal!
    -The Maaster wants you, but he can’t have you!
    -My live video feed subscribers say you could have done better
    -STD’s are just a plot by big pharma, and my homeopathic meds work just fine
    -It puts the lotion on it’s skin

  4. “My name is Lena Dunham.”

    Now, Kim, no man will ever hear that one, since there’s not enough Viagra in the Galaxy for the pre-requisite….

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