Ideal Companion

Yesterday’s SHTF post was altogether too serious. As the general theme of a Sunday post here on my back porch is “beautiful things”, let’s get whimsical.

Here’s the setting. Assume you’re not married, the S has or is about to HTF, and you’ve decided to hunker down in your house and ride out the storm.

The question: Who would be your ideal companion?

I’m going to confine this question to the Male Readers, because we all know that the Ladies’ choice would probably be end up being¬†Bear Grylls, even though he’s a complete tool in real life and would probably make you eat garden caterpillars or something.

So, on with the show.

The immediate reaction from most men would be to choose one of the celebrity chefs, e.g. Nigella Lawson or Giada de Laurentiis:

…but I’ll bet you a thousand pizzas that both women are not only unfamiliar with guns, but quite probably gun-fearing wussies. (I may be wrong, but I doubt it.)

No, it’s quite clear that the criteria for your female co-defender are simple: she’s got to be self-reliant (i.e. can cook and shoot a gun) and, considering that you might be facing the End Times, likely to be fun in the sack as well. Here’s an (anonymous) example:

Now I’m going to go waaaay out on a limb here, and make the assumption that most women who are comfortable shooting are most likely going to be comfortable in the kitchen too — it’s a self-reliance correlation — so let’s look at maybe the best example:

Sarah Palin

She may be getting on a bit, but ol’ Sarah would probably top the list of most red-blooded men anyway. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that she is the Gold Standard of SHTF companions.

Let’s see if you guys can come up with a competitor. As usual, do it in Comments.

 

 

No Prompting Needed

According to that bastion of democracy, the United Nations, today (October 11) is the International Day Of The Girl, in which we need to “raise the awareness” (that fucking phrase again) of the struggle facing young women all over the world.

My initial suggestion would be to expel all Muslim-run countries from the United Nations, as most of the problems facing women in general can be attributed to those countries’ 9th-century attitudes towards our lady friends.

However, I’m all for raising awareness of the plight of young women, so let’s catalog a few desperate cases:

I mean, if this hapless girl has to drive a Gremlin to work every day, can any decent man be unmoved at her plight? And consider this poor girl’s situation:

Imagine having to navigate through the world every day on those awful shoes, with that superstructure throwing her off balance at every tottering step?

Then we have this unfortunate girl, who it appears has no home and is forced to sleep on the beach:

And finally, spare a thought for this impoverished child, who lives in a filthy back alley and can’t even afford clothing:

Consider your awareness (amongst other things) raised.

Squares, Cubes And Blocks

When I was reading this article about Graham Norton’s beach house, several things struck me. First of all, I marveled at how anyone would want to spend a couple of million for a beach house which overlooks the English Channel — let’s be charitable and say that it can be used as intended for about twelve (non-consecutive) weeks of the year — and for a change, one Daily Mail commenter to the article got it right: it belongs in Malibu, not Kent.

But of course, what struck me the hardest was the house’s extraordinary ugliness.

Now I’ve written before about my distaste if not outright hatred for modernist architecture, so I’m not going to repeat it here. But in this particular case, what amazes me is how little the house is part of the milieu: with only a few modifications, it would fit in quite well with similar structures on the other side of the Channel; only those were the concrete bunkers of Hitler’s Atlantic Wall, built to repel an Allied invasion of Festung Europa.

The ugliness isn’t just skin-deep, by the way: it extends to the interior as well.

Now I know that many people like this kind of interior design because it’s “clean” or something. To me, it’s not a design to live in, but meant for display — like those awful Architect’s Digest spreads which look more like museums than homes. I could no more live in such a place than in a hospital room — now there’s “clean” for you.

And yes, here comes the inevitable disclaimer: taste is a personal thing, one man’s ugly is another’s gorgeous, beauty is in the eye etc. etc. Of course it’s personal. I’m not saying that places like this should be blown up and replaced with thatched cottages.

I’m just saying I wouldn’t shed any tears over it.

 

As Seen On My Screen

 

LOL… that’s the whole point of my using AdBlocker, you fucking morons. And a pox on auto-play videos on any website.

As for the article itself: apparently, there’s been bribery and corruption in the college athlete-recruiting business.

In other breaking news, the Russians just put the first man into space.

In Memoriam Caprae

To honor the passing of that old goat Hugh Hefner (91) of natural causes(!), allow me to offer this portrait of Kathy Douglas (1960), who was unquestionably one of the most gorgeous Playmates ever:

Okay, let’s make it two¬†portraits:

“Another”, you plead? Oh, what the hell, why not? Hef would have wanted it this way:

Feel free to add your favorite Playmate in Comments, but only from those before 1972 (i.e. the pre-airbrushing years).

R.I.P., Hef. You may have been a factor in the decline of Western Civilization, but at least you were only a mild one.

Final thought: wouldn’t it be ironic if Heaven was like the Playboy Mansion?

Just… Wrong

I saw an article somewhere about people attending some movie premiere (details not important), but what struck me was how the women dressed. Here’s the lissome Heather Graham (47) standing on the left, next to the cute Molly Quinn (25):

(In case there are people out there who are even more clueless about this stuff than I usually am — I actually had to look these two up — Heather was Rollergirl in Boogie Nights, and Molly was Castle’s daughter in the eponymous TV show — neither factoid of which will be relevant to this post.)

Am I the only one who thinks that they should have swapped outfits? Heather’s little mini is cute, but FFS she’s nearly twice her companion’s age. The longer dress would have suited her much better. Also, her legs are too skinny and not that great — Miss Quinn actually has nicer legs (I know, you need a pitchur):

I know all about the female age bias in Hollyweird, and how Women Of A Certain Age Can’t Get The Good Roles Anymore (Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep to the contrary), and therefore the ladies have to look and dress like young girls rather than the mature women they are. Which means you get women making fools of themselves (“mutton dressed as lamb”, as my mom used to say) and frankly, I think it’s nonsense. Case in point: Sophia Loren, outside her movie roles, never showed off her flesh to excess, despite having one of the greatest female bodies evvah (I know, pitchur, shuddup):

Okay, maybe not that one — but note: no “sideboob” or crotch shots (which seem to be all the rage these days [sigh]).

I seem to have lost my thread. Oh well, let’s just say that actresses need to dress their age. Like the septuagenarian Susan Sarandon:

Oh hell, I give up.