“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I’m a rather well-known Hollywood actor in my late 40s who has a reputation for only bonking dating women younger than 25 years old — in fact, I generally ditch them shortly after their 25th birthday.
“For some reason, this seems to have pissed some people off. They say I should ‘date women my own age’ or ‘stop cradle-snatching’.
“Here’s my philosophy. After they pass 25, all the women I’ve met start to droop and sag, and even worse they want to start breeding like rabbits, and this makes them very unattractive to me because post-baby bods have droopy boobs, doughy tummies and tunnel-vag syndrome. Also, the thought of dating women around my own age makes me a little nauseated — I mean, I know chicks like Amanda Holden (53) and Salma Hayek (56) are totally hot, BUT: they’re all married and they have kids. While I’m not really averse to having kids of my own (in principle, anyway), I’d rather not have to look after someone else’s, especially as women of my age tend to have daughters aged 16-24, and you KNOW where that might lead.
“Actually, their bodies are only part of the problem. Sure, the under-25s are kinda brainless (in the ignorance sense), but “older” women are, if you’ll excuse the expression, bat-shit crazy and neurotic (and believe me, I know what I’m talking about). While the latter are more mature, their psychological problems are equally advanced, whereas the younger women just don’t seem to have those issues.
“Anyway, Dr. Kim, what do I do about all this date-shaming?”
— Just Call Me Leo
Dear Leo:
Tell ’em all to fuck off. Seriously. If that old hag Cher can date some beardless weenie forty years younger than herself and nobody kvetches or scolds her, then why should you worry? It’s not like your fresh girlfriends don’t know the rules of the game, n’est-ce pas? and they all seem quite okay with it. Maybe it’s the fact that you fulfill all their twisted little fantasies: fame, a jet-set lifestyle, trendy parties, beach vacations on tropical islands or large yachts, lots of sparkly little presents and, lest we forget (and according to urban legend) they also get frequently serviced by a large male appendage. No wonder there’s a long line of early-20 hotties outside your door.
You seem to have it all figured out, so why change? But if you want to shut the scolds up for a while, hold your nose and fuck date a childless hottie between ages 28-32 for a while, and then all the Jealous Ones will say, “Ah, good!” and turn their envious Karen-gaze elsewhere . Then, when they’re not looking, dump Miss Middle-Age and resume the sub-25 thing. Your excuse: “Hey, I tried!”
Know this, however: you are the envy of all men on the planet, who would do exactly what you’re doing if they could.
— 
...but for those of us who’ve been paying attention, it’s turning out EXACTLY as we expected.
...because as any fule kno, if they’re NOT old enough to bleed...
...giving a whole new meaning to the term “Officer Friendly”.
