“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I’ve been on my fair share of dates, but after a difficult break-up nine months ago followed by a string of mediocre-at-best encounters, I’ve been feeling a bit hopeless about the modern dating landscape.
“I’m on three different dating apps but, to be honest, I’ve come very close to giving up altogether. Before I throw in the towel, however, I have decided to try something very different to my usual swipe-by-gut-instinct tactics.
“I am ‘astro-dating’ — choosing dates that are astrologically a good fit for me.
“So could cosmic dating help me bag a date for Valentine’s?
“The first challenge was finding men willing to give me their full birth chart without having ever met me. As anyone who has ever done internet dating knows, it’s hard enough to get past the swiping stage, and I admit several men ghosted me the second I mentioned star signs. Nonetheless, through a combination of ruthless flirting and the promise of free drinks, I managed to find six men who were game.
“Next up was a birth chart consultation with Yasmin Boland, astrologer and moonologer, to find out who, out of the six, I’d be most compatible with. Yasmin, a best-selling author, has been an internationally successful ‘spiritual guide’ for the past two decades and focuses on helping others find their path in life, work and, crucially, love through astrological compatibility.
“Am I on the right track?”
— Star-Struck, England
Dear Starfucked:
You didn’t mention visiting the Oracle at Delphi, or having a sacerdos consult the entrails of a chicken, so you may have missed a couple of steps on your voyage towards total insanity I mean romantic happiness. (Oh, and by the way, the traditional term for “moonologer” is “lunatic”.)
Allow me to suggest a better filter system than relying on the light of stars which may or may not have already gone out, and it involves a simple checklist of questions. Here it is:
- Do you have a favorite gun? If so, which and why?
- What is your favorite alcoholic drink?
- Are you a vegetarian or vegan?
- Do you have a liberal arts degree, or else a degree in something that is actually worth anything in the job market?
- Do you believe in astrology or unicorns?
- Turbo-charged V6 or naturally-aspirated V12?
- Do you own, or want to own a Prius?
- Do you believe that the only reason that socialism has failed everywhere it has been tried is because it just hasn’t been implemented properly?
Now, the answers:
- “I don’t like guns” — immediate disqualification. “Glock” — not a disqualification, but understand that some work may be necessary. “Do you mean handgun, rifle or shotgun?” — definitely a candidate for romance.
- “I don’t like alcohol” — immediate disqualification. “Chablis/IPA” — not a disqualification, but understand that some work may be necessary. “Wine grown on the sunny slopes of…” — poseur alert, your call. “Whatever gets me drunk quickest” — you may want to be careful with this one. Or not. “Depends on the occasion, the company and my mood” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run FAR away.
- “Liberal Arts” — approach with caution; needs clarification (e.g. Anything Studies: no). “Engineering” — considerable work may be necessary. “Never saw the need for a degree, because I wanted to start my own construction business” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run away.
- “Neither because they’re causing climate change” — immediate disqualification. “Actually, a turbo 4-cylinder is all I need” — not a bad answer, but be careful, especially if also an IPA-drinker. “Well, I like both, but I prefer off-roading in my old truck” — strong candidate.
- “Yes” — run away.
- “Yes” — run FAR away.
These simple questions will be all the pre-qualifiers you’ll ever need.
Or you can just choose the astrological / chicken entrails path, you fucking loser.
My Fiance (Wife 2.0 still in Beta) believes that we’re so compatible and like to please each other because we’re both Sagittarii. I don’t run the other way because of her beliefs, but personally I think it’s more akin to us both having learned from the failings of our first marriages.
We both stuck it out through very tough situations, far longer than any normal person would have done. After all, vows were vows and we both believed in “…or for worse”. Both of our former spouses were quite the takers and didn’t recognize how good they had it with us. Thus by comparison, we cannot help but be a breath of fresh air to each other.
Or maybe it’s because of astrology. Don’t know… don’t really care. Life is good either way.
“We both stuck it out…” What he said. Wife and I both came from broken homes. I think at our core, we were both determined that that would NOT happen to our kids.
#4. Actually, I do have an AA in Liberal Arts. It was not a goal, just worked out that way slogging my way through prerequisite classes at Sierra Junior College. It did pay off somewhat. After I enlisted in ’74, I discovered the Army had the “Stripes” program which awarded advanced rank based on college completed. I was awarded PFC (E3) retroactive to my date of entry into service. I had also taken some elective courses which qualified me for a secondary MOS–51B, Carpenter.
Perhaps question #9 should be something about veterans.
Solid advice as usual Dr Kim. The problem I see is that few people truly get to know their date before they go down the road to some sort of commitment either in the form of marriage, civil union or creating a child together. Another problem is that some folks have utterly unrealistic expectations of marriage and their spouse. Look at the rubbish pushed by Disney with their everyone is a princess or a prince and they live happily every after. It’s nonsense. Life is hard, often frustrating, sometimes joyous, other times tedious, routine and boring. partner up with someone who you enjoy doing laundry, going to the supermarket, etc. They’ll be the person you want to explore and live with.
My wife and I enjoy doing things together. Whether she picks the activity or I do, the most enjoyable part is that we’re together. we’ve opened each other up to all sorts of other interests that individually we probably wouldn’t have discovered.
Astrology is utter bunk. So are the oracles and predicting events by examining entrails. Then again, swiping left or right is hot rubbish as well.
JQ
I should add that I only had one question to ask. “There may be no food in the house. We may be out of money. There may be no clean cloths. However, all the guns will be cleaned and lubed. Can you live with this?”.
On that note, Midway has free shipping on orders over $75 today and tomorrow. Just ordered some of this–
https://www.midwayusa.com/product/1301664333?pid=694458
I got dinged on a writing assignment in High School English (only time I got less than a B, got a C) because the assignment was to write an essay on how my astrological sign predicted my personality, and I turned in a dissertation on why astrology was primitive, superstitious garbage.
Rookie mistake.
What you should have done was written a serious piece of garbage, than added a footnote: “The argument as written may not reflect the beliefs of the author.”
Do you have any food allergies or other difficulties ? If yes, run far, far away, unless you relish (pun intended) the probability of dining on unidentifiable mush the rest of your days. I’m looking at _you_, daughter, and still wondering how you managed to snag such a decent man.
In #8, you’re assuming that they know socialism has failed everywhere it was tried. In my experience with leftards, they only drag out the “if it was properly implement” or “if the right persons were in charge” bull after you spend an hour listing just a few percent of the horrific failures – but tomorrow, they’ll go back to believing it’s worked often.
Best to just run away. If they’re fantastic looking (and identify as a compatible gender), you might take the risk of giving a false name and disappearing forever in the morning – but be damned sure about birth control!