…”baited breath”? You had worms in your mouth?
Fucking illiterate morons.
Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Roundup
And from the Department of Health:
...considering that my favorite pub snack is beer, that’s excellent news. And speaking of Queer I mean Beer News:
...not Bud Light, because nobody would want it for free, let alone buy it.
In our Catalog of Stupid People:
...cause of death: terminal stupidity. And on the same topic:
...should be only seven, of course, but that’s Bidenflation for you.
In Human Relations:
...as she discovers that there are two kinds of “snapper”. Speaking of snappers:
...sounds pretty cool to me.
And on the subject of “cool”, there’s this from the Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© Apostles:
...and here we go again:
…I’m thinking 20ga #8 birdshot into the legs if caught in the act, but I can be persuaded otherwise.
...never mind the sharks; just look who’s issuing the warning — Dr. Rosie Jones:
Speaking of unwelcome visitors to Britishland:
From the Dept. of Immigration:
...my kinda guy.
Time for some link-free INSIGNIFICA:
...as long as you weren’t turned on, darlin’.
And speaking of sex toys, here’s some Media Celebrity News:
...no, I don’t know who she is either, but let’s have a look:
And in hot-weather gear:
Let’s all head off to the beach, because news time is over.
Monday Funnies
So let’s get going:
And helping to keep my house tidy, I’ve emptied the “Random Cuties” folder:
News Roundup
Speaking of rancid, malodorous women, here’s a prime example:
...because of course she would, the Commie bitch. More from the Commies:
...which is no doubt why he married Michelle, or “Mike” (as she used to be known).
And still more from the Commies:
...demonstrating yet again why they should be pushed out of helicopters at 10,000 ft.
From the Dept. of Cultural Assimilation:
...perhaps if this MexPres did more to stop these assholes from trying to swim over… but then again, he’s just trying to get rid of this scum:
...and did they shoot any of them dead? No. Are we disappointed? Yes.
...which seems to be the answer. The police don’t agree, but they’re wrong.
In related Lawn Ordure News:
...because that might actually stop some of the riots, and they’d lose all that overtime pay.
In Medical News:
…
More Health News:
...serves them right for a) being triathletes and b) doing it in Sunderland.
Which leads to more Sports News:
…
And a slightly different kind of sport:
...some would say we need more Christians like this. I report, you decide.
Still talking about an alternative sport:
...and the solution:
(see here for the background)
And now from the link-free INSIGNIFICA files:
...just get married. That’ll end it.
And in one last piece of sorta-sporting news:
...oooh, mommy:
And doing her best Barbie impression:
A good way to end the news.
Not Australia This Time
An Austrian supermarket was evacuated after the store manager reportedly spotted a banana-loving spider capable of causing permanent erections in men.
The Penny shop in Krems an der Donau, 45 miles west of Vienna, remains closed since Tuesday over fears of the four-inch black and red spider.
Emergency services were called and warn the spider, still at large, may have been a highly venomous Brazilian Wandering Spider, known to reach Europe by hiding in bunches of bananas.
The creature is one of the planet’s most venomous spiders, and bites can be fatal after causing hypothermia, blurred vision, convulsions and, in some cases, erections. The spider’s venom is even being studied for use in erectile dysfunction treatments after it was found that a bite from one of the spiders can give male victims a painful four-hour erection.
Speaking as someone who as a young teenager suffered from an almost-permanent condition like this — thank you, Adolescent Hormone Flood* — this is actually no laughing matter.
So quit giggling, you maniacs.
Is there any good to be had from Third World countries other than as a place for massive and sustained nuclear ordnance testing, I ask myself?
Probably not; but then the same goes for Australia.
*Anecdote time: back in boarding school, one guy (no names, just in case) actually had a massive and sustained erection — so much so that after nearly a day of torment he went to see the school nurse. She smacked it on the tip with a metal spoon — yes, I know — whereupon he emitted a truly splendid and seemingly-endless ejaculation all over her and himself. That wasn’t the expected nor desired result, of course, but at least his woody subsided. When later asked by someone whether he couldn’t have just had a wank to achieve the same end, his reply was immortal: “What, in the fucking biology lab?”
Caption Competition #292
Your suggestions in Comments.