Category: Advice

Dear Dr. Kim:

My late Mother-In-Law was basically a Dem party communist.  Incapable of departing the party line.  As such she was a GFW.
Therefore my #2 wife was scared of guns.  Prior to us getting married, when she found out I had guns she said I would be getting rid of them, to which my response was “I’ll get rid of you before I get rid of them”.  The subject was dropped, the marriage went forward.
Fast forward to 10 years later.  Some of Wife’s lady-friends talked her into going to an Enhanced Concealed Carry Class.  We attended last Sunday.

My problem is this.  Now my wife is hooked.  We spent yesterday afternoon watching Glock videos.  She now wants a Glock.  In Europellet caliber.  Frankly I’m torn.  I never liked the Glock feel, and always sneered at Europellet.
Had this come 5 years ago when europellet was cheap and widely available, it would have been an easy purchase, just to keep around, and it would have been HER Glock, not mine.
The worst part, is, after 200 rounds, I’m starting to like the Glock too.  It feels like I am admitting to trying gay sex and enjoying it.

What do I do? — Concerned, Ellisville PA

 

Dear Concerned:

Look on the bright side.  She could have fallen in love with a Hi-Point.

As for the gay sex thing, always remember:  the Romans believed that if you could only enjoy sex with a woman, you were only half a man — and their empire lasted over a thousand years.

— Dr. Kim

Dear Dr. Kim.
I’m a single guy of 37 and I moved back to my mother’s house when I lost my job. Mum has only lived there for three years so I hardly knew her neighbors but we’d chat over the fence during the pandemic.
The neighbors are a couple with three kids. He’s 42 and she’s 40.
One Sunday afternoon while the husband was working and the children were at a friend’s house, she offered me a beer.
As she passed it over, she kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but reacted instinctively by kissing her back, and I felt so turned on. I think it was the thrill of doing something so dangerous.  Then she said: “I’ve been longing to do that for months.”
I was concerned Mum would see me, so after a quick chat I went inside. Mum was watching TV and oblivious to anything I was doing.
A couple of weeks later I bumped into Mum’s neighbor in a bar. She made a beeline for me and whispered in my ear that she wanted more.  She said her marriage was all but over and they never had sex any more. She said she’d never forgive him for insisting they put down her cat because it meowed too loudly.
That night we snuck outside for a drunken fondle at the back of the bar.
This woman is seriously hot. She has seen me at my worst, mowing the lawn in my scruffs or sitting on the step with a hangover looking bad, yet she still fancies me.
We’ve been messaging for weeks now. She’s just told me her family are going away this weekend but she can’t go due to her work shifts.
She wants me to go round there. I’m sorely tempted. What should I do?
— Torn, UK

Dear Tatters,

The responsible thing would be to tell her you can’t because she’s married and you’re afraid that if you bonked her and it got out, your Mum would be ashamed and her relationship with the neighbors would be awkward.

However.

You’re not a callow yoot of 18;  you’re on the slippery slope to middle age.  Take it from me:  as you get older, opportunities to bonk willing women die away very rapidly, until one day you suddenly wake up with blue balls and kick yourself, saying, “Damn, I should have shagged that neighbor woman when I had the chance.”

Those are the worst kind of regrets.

My advice?  Bonk her once, hard and long.  Only once.  Then say afterwards, “I feel so guilty because I’ve been unfaithful to the girl I think I’m going to marry.”  (Have a picture of some random chick of about 25 in your wallet — not on your phone — and show it to Neighbor Lady.)

That way, she gets a quickie, you get a quickie, but she’ll leave you alone after that, especially if you can conjure up a lady friend (best:  who either is or resembles closely the girl in the photo) who can come over to yer Mum’s house to play the part.  Introduce her to Neighbor Lady, and hold hands as you walk back inside.

Then, and only then, can you be strong and give her the brush-off should she want a return engagement.

Or you can go with Option A above.

Via Insty, I read yet another one of Larry Correia’s inspired rants (go thou and read it too, yea even before thou readest further in this here Blogge), but this did catch my eye:

As a former accountant, please allow me to explain why all of today’s newly formed tax experts are fucking morons, and we should metaphorically put a brick in a sock and beat them over the head with it until they shut up.

Far be it for me to gainsay anything that the Mighty Correia has said, but even a half-brick  in a sock will only yield a couple of whacks before the sock frays and breaks.  (And yes, I know he said “metaphorically”, but I’m a literal kinda guy.)

For sustained head-whacking with enhanced hosiery, I suggest a good old Idaho potato, the fresher the better.  When the potato starts getting mushy with use (which takes a surprisingly long time), it’s a matter of a moment to replace it with a fresh one.

And if the local supermarket is closed and a potato is not to hand, gravel or beach sand will work equally well, especially if dampened before half-filling the sock. And if all else fails, take a D battery out of your MagLite, and insert into the Sock Of Doom.  (The D is the optimal size — larger will break the sock, smaller doesn’t achieve the proper velocity or momentum.)

Don’t ask me how I know all this.  We can discuss at some other time whether your Easton Marlowe is better than Calvin Klein, or whether dress socks are a better fit [sic]  for purpose than athletic ones.

No need to thank me, it’s all part of the service.