Loose Fit

Grownup talk, here.  Approach at your own peril.  I read this article with interest:

Lovers are lining up to have the latest trend in cosmetic surgery – a penis and vagina ‘Perfect Fit’ procedure designed to improve their sex lives by increasing friction, according to a cosmetic surgeon.
Dr Lucy Glancey, from the UK, has claimed that lockdown has seen a flurry of couples signing up for the genital matchmaking service.
Consultations are given to measure and match up the couple, before offering the necessary penis enlargement and vaginal rejuvenation or tightening procedures to make them a ‘perfect fit’.

Now before everyone starts shaking their heads and clutching pearls about all this, allow me to make a few observations.

It is a biological fact that when a woman gives birth, the “birth canal” (her vag) gets stretched to hell and back (ask any mother).  Sometimes the little thing snaps back to its previous dimensions, and sometimes it doesn’t, at least not all the way.

But when a second baby comes along (or a third, or gawd help us a fourth), the odds are good that Madame’s little socket is going to resemble the Lincoln Tunnel more than the tight little pleasure pocket it was before.

So with the enforced ummm closeness and concomitant intimacy caused by the various Chinkvirus lockdowns, it’s not really surprising that couples are realizing that things are not what they used to be, and taking steps to correct it.  (For the engineers among us, it’s the equivalent of re-sleeving the cylinder, so to speak.)

It is a serious issue, by the way, and before anyone runs out and suggests this to his Missus, or any of my Lady Readers read this and think, “Hmmm…”, let me tell you that the recuperation is lengthy and incredibly painful — I personally know two women who had their boxes tightened (that’s the medical term for it), and it was close to a year before they could fully enjoy the Ultimate Ecstasy again.  One of them said that had she known this was going to happen, she would have insisted on a Caesarian / C-section instead of natural childbirth for her two kids.

I should also point out that the tightening procedure is often recommended to prevent a prolapse of the uterus (I hope everyone’s already had their brekkie), and not just for Better Living Through Nookie.  For those unfortunate women who are stretched impossibly wide, let me tell you that not even the late great John Holmes could have had an effect on them.

Of course, there are going to be those who do this for the same reasons as botox or other cosmetic procedures, but hey, if it makes them happier, then medical science is wonderful.  Thirty years ago, none of this would have been possible and these unfortunate people would have just had to endure the (non-)feeling of lobbing hot dogs down a corridor.


  1. I remember talking to a very young man, about to get married, about this very same issue. I told him to enjoy it as much as possible now, but it’ll be a tight fit. After the first kid, however, things get much better as there’s a better fit and more stretch to try more positions. After the third or fourth, however, it’s way loose and it just ain’t as fun anymore.

    It took him several minutes to figure out what I was describing and the look of total shock and horror on his face was priceless. And I firmly cemented my rep as the dirty old man at work that very day.

  2. I seem to recall there’s a scene in The Godfather (book, not the movie) wherein the late Sonny’s favorite squeeze undergoes a surgical tightening procedure. That was written in the 60s? Everything old is new again.

  3. “…and clutching pearls..” Writers and screenwriters of 1930s-40s Hollywood movies were at the top of their game describing human behavior!

    1. At a hospital one day doing a job. A jokester must have called the front desk because over the PA came: “Dr. Hyman, Dr. Buster Hymen, call your office please.”

      The guffaws were epic.

  4. Heh! In that vein, used to go to the local gym back in the day, where there was a spectacularly pneumatic and fit blonde at the front desk. Every guy there would do their best to hit on her with little success. That is when my friend “John” went up one day, and asked her to page Mr. Meoff. Then as he was walking away, looked back and said, Oh! His first name is “Jack”. Sure enough, she paged Jack Meoff, please come to the front desk. The whole building shook with laughter. It took her about 5 seconds to connect the dots and turn beet red. Those were the days before PC and HR being run by Karens. I miss them, I do.

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