Sidebar

More than a few of you have asked me to put my Biltong Prep post onto the permanent sidebar, so I have.

Just FYI:  I changed the spice measures ever so slightly, and also (based on the last batch I made) substituted red wine vinegar for malt.  Yum.  New Wife and I have actually had to measure out the sliced biltong into daily-ration portions, because we have absolutely no brake pedal on this addiction.

It should be called beefcrack and not biltong, except that sounds vaguely suggestive.

Weekend Food Prep

From exasperated Reader Lowkey:

Kim,
With much respect… DAMN YOU AND ALL SEFFRICANS for biltong. This stuff is just too tasty and easy to make.
I half-assed a batch (slice roasts into 1 inch-ish strips, soak in cider vinegar for a few hours, dredge in salt/pepper/coriander, then hang for a few days with an old computer fan running to circulate the air) and it’s fecking delicious. I’m gaining weight on what is supposedly a “survival food”.
Damn you.
Please, share with us your recipes for this (and your preferences for it… I seem to like my biltong a touch “wet”).

Actually, Lowkey’s “half-assed” approach isn’t at all bad.  Biltong bought online or at specialist food shops can cost up to $20/lb, or even more.

Make it yourself and it’s the per-pound cost of the meat from the supermarket (usually around $5 to $7).  It’s the gastronomic equivalent of handloaded vs. commercial ammo.

It’s been a while (years, actually) since I made biltong, but here’s the scoop on its preparation.

What you’ll need:

  • 1lb of boneless beef, whole (not sliced).  I like my biltong quite fatty because of the flavor and moistness of the fat layered over the dried beef;  your preferences may vary.  Just FYI:  filet, while tender, doesn’t make decent biltong because of the lack of fat.  Top sirloin or bottom round make the best biltong, I think.  Feel free to experiment to find your  favorite.
  • 8 tbsp red wine vinegar (brown apple cider vinegar can be used too).
  • 1.5-2 tbsp coarse (kosher) salt (some people like their meat salty, others less so.  I prefer less, so I use at most two tablespoons).
  • 2 tsp coarse ground black pepper (ditto as for salt;  too peppery makes it something other than biltong, but be my guest if you’re of that persuasion.  If you must  have it spicy-hot — South Africans refer to it as “peri-peri” biltong — then add ground red pepper flakes, but in moderation.  I don’t recommend it).
  • 2-3 tbsp whole coriander seeds (this  is what sets biltong apart;  I use 3).

Some people suggest adding brown sugar to the spice mix:  these are Satan’s minions, and should be roundly shunned if not actually flogged for their heresy.  Jerky  is a sweet meat snack for children, and we shall speak no further of it;  biltong  is a savory snack, and the food of the gods.

Spice mix prep:

  • Lightly toast the coriander seeds, then grind into a coarse powder (about the consistency of the black pepper);  if you have a few shell fragments left, that’s fine.
  • Combine all the dry spices until the mix has a uniform color and consistency.
  • Divide the mix in half.

Meat prep:

  • Slice the meat with (not against) the grain into broad flat strips about 1.5″ thick.  Try to have each piece include a piece of fat along the outside, although if the meat is well marbled, that’s fine too.
  • Pour the vinegar into a glass baking dish, then lay the strips down side by side, turning the meat strips over and over to get the vinegar well set into the meat.
  • Sprinkle half the spice mix over the strips and rub it in vigorously, then turn the strips over and add the remaining mix, rubbing as before.
  • Make sure that the pieces do not touch when you’re done.
  • Cover the dish (foil or plastic) and place in the refrigerator for 24 hours.  Most of the vinegar and spices should have soaked into the meat by then.

Drying the meat:

  • You’ll need an enclosed drying area such as a seldom-used household closet or even a mover’s garment box with some breathing holes punched in the top.  Biltong does not need warm air to dry — in fact, many of the biltong cognoscenti  will specify cooler temperatures — so an ordinary household climate will do fine.
  • What’s important is to circulate the air gently (Reader Lowkey’s use of an old computer fan is spot on), so run a small household fan into the closet/box and set it to its gentlest strength.  Do not direct the air flow at the meat or it will dry unevenly.
  • Hang the meat strips, making sure that they do not touch each other.  Use plastic-  or stainless-steel hooks — iron or wire will add a metallic taste to the whole piece of meat over time.  I use thick nickel-plated shower hooks, myself.
  • Put a tray lined with newspaper (the New York Times  is best — it’s about all it’s good for) underneath to catch any drippings.
  • Leave to dry for about two to three days, depending on the size of the slices*, then test the biltong by squeezing it gently.  It should be outwardly firm, but “give” a little as you press harder.  If it still feels “raw” (it won’t), then leave it for another six hours.  Feel free to cut a sample piece to check on the hardness.
    *Check the meat for mold each day.  There shouldn’t be any mold (tiny white spots) on the meat during the drying process, but if there are, wipe them off thoroughly with vinegar and just re-hang the meat.

Some people like their biltong to have the consistency of driftwood — I happen to prefer ostrich or game biltong that way — but the ideal beef biltong should be to have a firm outer crust, with softer meat in the center.  The longer you leave it hanging, the harder it will get.  Four days is about the maximum for “standard” biltong.  The dried strips should look something like this:

Cutting the biltong:

  • Biltong is hard meat to cut.  Make sure your knife blade is thin and extremely  sharp — my grandfather used to use a box-cutter*, and replace the blade for each batch.
  • Cut the strips across the grain (unless you want to spend an hour chewing each piece) as thinly as you can, to ~1/16″ to 1/8″ thickness.
  • If the biltong pieces are too fatty for your taste, just wrap them all in a paper towel and pat dry.

New Wife and I prefer our biltong “wet” (moist and fatty):

…while others may prefer it a little more dry:

It’s all good.

My suggestion is to cut all the strips into pieces, then store in a greased paper (not plastic) bag in the fridge.  It should keep about two to three weeks without any mold growing on it (not that it matters, because I guarantee you’ll eat it all inside a week anyway).  When New Wife brought a few pounds of it Over Here for her final Atlantic crossing, we made it last a full month (exercising massive  self-control), and the last mouthful was as delicious as the first.

As a survival food, it’s difficult to beat biltong.  Three or four small pieces constitute all your protein needs for a day.  When I was in the army, I used to buy a single stick of (very hard) game biltong from the commissary just before going off-base (so to speak), and I would consume it over a week.  I never went hungry, as long as I had a couple mouthfuls of biltong and a “dog biscuit” (hardtack) each day.

As snack food?  Oy.  I would remind everyone of Reader Lowkey’s complaint above.


*By “box cutter”, of course, I mean the old-fashioned and robust replaceable-blade kind:

…and not the “snap-off blade” type, use of which will just lead to frustration:


Legal notice:  I accept absolutely no responsibility for any ensuing addictions.

Whore Ding

I apologize for the Vox link, but this was too good to pass up:

Well, that kinda depends on what you mean by “country”, doesn’t it?  In fact, where you live, there might conceivably be a short-term stock outage of something — of something you actually need immediately, like salt or… toilet paper.

And “where you live” is the important part of the above.  It’s small comfort, when your local stores are all out of infant formula, to know that in North Dakota, Maine and Idaho, infants are well-fed and healthy while yours is starting to look like a Somali baby, and you’re starting to look at large-breasted women not with lust, but as a food source for your kids.

As for the “two to three weeks’ supply of food” canard;  oy vey.  Two or three months  is more like it (as all my Readers know full well by now), and fuck them and their “hoarding” — which is really just a euphemism for “someone’s got something that I don’t have, and I want the Gummint to take it away from them and give it to meeeee”.

Preparing for disaster is not hoarding, it’s prudence.  Of course, the Left is devoid of that quality because Marxism, deconstruction and envy.  Which brings us back to the Marxist tools at Vox.  The rest of the article is equally stupid, but unintentionally hilarious.

Cheers

Of course, it had to be a German:

While appearing on “The Morning Show,” Dr. Rissland was asked about whether or not drinking alcohol could kill any viruses a person may have ingested. “Yes, of course, that’s true,” Dr. Rissland responded. “And the higher the percentage of alcohol, the better it is. For example, if you are a whisky lover, then that certainly isn’t a bad idea,” he continued, while offering this bit of sage advice to pace yourself:  “But of course you need to bear in mind that you can’t do that every 15 minutes, that is something else to consider.”

Speak for yourself, mein medisches freund.  Actually, I think a half-mouthful of Scotch every quarter-hour is a little slow — to judge by the normal spirits-intake rate of several of my friends (Mr. Free Market, Doc Russia and Mrs. Sorenson, to name but three), and mine certainly doesn’t rank far behind.

I think the good doctor shouldn’t confine himself to just whisky / whiskey;  he needs to publish a list of high-alcohol beverages, as a public service, of course.

Needless to say, the fuckheads at the WHO disagree strongly with his considered medical opinion.  But I ask you, O My Readers:  whose opinion would you rather trust:  a conscientious, methodical German doctor, or the idiots who brought you too-late-breaking news of the Chinkvirus?  I don’t think it requires that much thought, really.

The only question remains:  Scotch, rum or brandy?

Necessities

Following the comments in one of yesterday’s posts, Young Reader Hank F. emails and asks:

“What would YOU consider a decently-stocked liquor cabinet?”

I’m not going to comment on quantities, because that depends on personal / family consumption levels (e.g. whenever Son&Heir comes over, all my beer magically disappears, while when Daughter and Fiance visit, my gin supply gets absolutely devastated).

Likewise, what you keep on hand depends on what you, and any likely visitors, may prefer.

I grew up during a time when not having a selection — whereby a visitor wouldn’t find at least a second- or third choice of liquor — would be regarded as poor hosting.  So here are my thoughts:

  • Blended Scotch  a.k.a. “drinking in quantity / with a mixer” Scotch. Two bottles should suffice.
  • Single-malt Scotch:  I have quite a few, but one bottle each of two or three different brands should do likewise.
  • Irish Whiskey:  like blended Scotch, this can be mixed at will.
  • Ordinary gin:  not everyone likes gin (poor fools), but as long as you have one brand to be mixed with tonic or whatever, you’ll be okay.
  • Sipping gin:  like single malt Scotch, you only need one or two.
  • Brandy:  I only keep South African brandy on hand, but good luck finding it outside Seffrica.  (I’ve found that Spanish brandy is actually quite drinkable with a mixer, especially when compared to Californian brandy, which is uniformly dreadful).
  • Rum:  I like the dark, spicy kind, which makes the best Cuba Libre (rum ‘n Coke) for serious drinking.
  • Bourbon:  I don’t drink this much (or at all), but it’s like blended Scotch — mix it with anything. or nothing.
  • Vodka:  get a cheap brand like Smirnoff for mixed drinks.
  • Tequila:  I’ll admit to not knowing diddly about this Mexican stuff, as I only ever drink it in margaritas.
  • Vermouth:  only if you plan on serving martinis .
  • Liqueurs:  you’ll need quite a few because of the taste range, but really only a bottle of each:  Kahlua / Tia Maria (coffee), Amaretto (nut), Drambuie (whisky), Cointreau / Grand Marnier (orange), Godiva (chocolate), Midori (melon), Chambord (raspberry), and so on.  I love the hard-to-find Mandarin Napoleon (mandarin orange, duh), but most people find it way too sweet.
  • Port:  here we have the dry / sweet / semi-sweet divide (ruby, tawny, muscat etc.), but anything by Taylor, Fonseca, Sandeman’s or Warre will impress.  For an “everyday after-dinner” port, the Australian(!) Cockburn Fine Ruby  is excellent.
  • Sherry:  As with port;  but Harvey’s Bristol Cream is the J&B of sherries:  just about everyone likes it.  Dry Sack isn’t bad, either.

So, to summarize:  if like Reader Hank I were starting from scratch to create an Everyman liquor cabinet (i.e. without the high-end sipping stuff, but with brands of decent quality which you wouldn’t be ashamed to serve), it would contain one or two brands from each of the following categories (and everything depends on how it tastes to you):

Scotch:  J&B / Famous Grouse / Dewar’s
Irish:  Bushmill’s / Jameson’s / Tullamore Dew
Gin:  Tanqueray / Bombay Sapphire
Vodka:  Ketel One / Grey Goose
Bourbon:  Maker’s Mark / Knob Creek / Jack Daniel’s / Jim Beam
Tequila:  Jose Cuervo Gold (dark) / Patron Silver (white)
Rum:  Myer’s Dark / Captain Morgan Spiced / Wray & Nephew White
Sherry:  Harvey’s Bristol Cream
Port:  Sandeman’s Rich Ruby / Cockburn’s Fine Ruby
Liqueur:  Kahlua, DiSaronna Amaretto, Grand Marnier and Bailey’s Irish Cream.

If you wanted to extend your cabinet by adding some sipping liquors (one or two brands only, and once again without nosebleed prices):

Scotch:  Glenmorangie Original 10-year-old /  Aberlour 12-year-old
Brandy:  Courvoisier XO
Gin:  Sipsmith / No. 3 London Dry
Rum:  Pusser’s 15-year-old / Gosling’s Dark
Vodka:  Belvedere / Grey Goose
Tequila:  Patron Extra Anejo (I was told by the Son&Heir)
Bourbon:  Barrell / Rabbit Hole Dareringer

There you have it.  As everyone has their own opinions about booze — which is a Good Thing — feel free to add your suggestions in Comments.  But I don’t think the above would be a selection that Reader Hank would be ashamed of.

Longevity

The old joke goes:

Q: “Why do men die sooner than women?”
A:  Because they want to.

I think the same is true of this study:

A DAILY tipple nearly doubles a man’s hope of hitting 90, a study says.
Those on half a pint of beer a day are 81 per cent more likely than teetotallers to reach a tenth decade.

That’s because we drinkers are kept alive by thinking things like “Only five more days till Friday night pub time!” — whereas non-drinkers have fuck-all to look forward to and their bodies simply shut down out of either hopelessness or boredom.

For precisely the same two reasons, this may be why meat-eaters live longer than vegans.

Anyway, whatever it all means, I know that right at this moment it’s Pub Time at the King’s Arms in All Cannings, Wilts, so I’m going to join The Englishman and others of that ilk by opening a life-extending pint (and I know it’s not Wadworth 6X, but London Pride is all I can get Over Here — a rant for another time).

Cheers, y’all.