I think I’ve told this story before, but anyway…
When I was at The Englishman’s cottage in Cornwall, I had the rare pleasure of hanging out with the Sorensons (Mrs. Sor is “The Catholic” in Comments) for a couple days. I walked down to the kitchen one morning to find Mrs. Sor sitting alone drinking tea.
“Where’s Himself?” I asked.
“Down by the harbor, feeding Tesco plastic bags to the seagulls.”
He hates seagulls, and so do I.
When I read this sorry tale, I just shook my head.
Monique Sveinsson, 46, from Cambridgeshire, was on a mini-break with her friend Emma Wilshaw when she was attacked by the hungry seagulls at Brighton beach on August 3.
The mother-of-two, who runs her own planner and diary company, described how the aggressive birds circled above her before launching themselves at her food and flying away with the chips.
There is a way to deal with these airborne rodents, and anyone who is going to the seaside (or anywhere seagulls are in abundance, e.g. the Great Lakes) should avail themselves of this advice.
- Go to your local Goodwill or thrift store, and buy an old tennis- or handball racquet, the older and more battered (therefore cheaper) the better. (Tennis is better, as it has a longer handle.)
- Leave it in the trunk of your car.
- Then, when going to any place where there are seagulls, take it with you.
- When the gulls start to pester you, swat them like flies.
I had to live in San Francisco for a couple weeks on a client assignment, and my walk to the office from the hotel took me through a couple parks. The fucking crows and seagulls didn’t just annoy me, they attacked me, pecking at my head.
So on the way back from the client I stopped at a junk store and bought a racquet. Then when I went to the park the next day, the little bastards attacked me again. Miraculously, however, they stopped attacking me after I’d popped three of them out of the sky. (It’s just a little more strenuous than playing badminton.)
Some stupid Karen took offense and called the cops on me. When the cop asked me what I’d been doing and I told him, he stifled a laugh and said, “I’m going to have to confiscate that weapon.” Then he winked at me and said, “I’ve been wanting to do what you did for ten years. Enjoy your stay.” And he walked off, swinging the racquet like a billyclub. I think he was daring the birds to attack him.
As with all my advice given on these pages, there’s a “you’re on your own if you follow it” warning.
But I have to tell you, it’s almost as much fun as shooting them with a shotgun.
