Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m a woman of 30 and my friend is 31. We grew up together. She always wanted a threesome and I said I was game with the right person. But it certainly wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Then when I got together with my boyfriend, who is 33, she made it clear she thought he would be our perfect third person.

“Eventually I agreed to speak to my partner. He was skeptical at first but then we had an evening at our flat and my friend and I worked on him — and we all ended up in bed together.

“Life then went back to normal. But then on Christmas Eve, my friend turned up unannounced. She got a pregnancy test out of her handbag and showed me the positive result. I was horrified when the penny dropped that it was my boyfriend’s baby.

“My boyfriend and I expected her to opt for an abortion. And my boyfriend was willing to pay for it. But she said no. She said she had wanted to be a mum for a long time. She told me that I could hardly get upset because I went along with the threesome, but I thought she was on the Pill.

“Now she keeps sending me pictures of flats or houses we could all rent together!

“What do I do now?”

— Backstabbed, England

Dear Stabbed:

Let me start by telling you that you should probably dump your boyfriend now, while it’s still relatively painless.  Because sooner or later your best friend is going to go after him for child support, and get it.  Which means he’ll have less money to spend on you.  Also, paying child support will make him feel like he’s entitled to visitation and being a part of his kid’s life.  Do you honestly want to be part of that little scenario?  Best get clear of all that, while you can.

I am not an expert in matters like this, so I consulted a fellow doctor (let’s call him Dr. Knob) who is an expert, having had several such encounters in his time.  Here are some lessons to be learned from this — it’s too late in your case, but I’m hoping others will see this and avoid your situation.

  • Never trust that the “plus one” in your FFM threesome is using contraception, unless you’re provided with actual proof (prescription, doctor’s letter, etc.).  It will help if you demand proof of other icky stuff like being pox-free, all as part of the pre-insertion preparation.
  • As a precondition of having a little FFM action, tell your boyfriend ahead of time  that it’s okay, provided that when he gets to the short strokes, it’s into your hot little body that he should be ejaculating.  Tell him that bonking A.N. Other is okay, sorta, but you’ll be insanely jealous if he has his Big Moment with her and not with you.  Chances are that he’ll be flattered, not put off.
  • If either of the above conditions are not met to your satisfaction, feel free to walk away, both before and after the action.

This is a messy business (in so many ways) and to be honest, I think that threesomes in general are best postponed until the post-menopausal time, because a) there’s no chance of your predicament taking place, and b) chances are you’ll be sick of having bonked the same person for years, and a little diversion might not be too harmful — or it might.

Be careful out there.

—

News Roundup

Bad News

And in other “Men Are Pigs!” news:


...am I the only one who doesn’t care about any of this?


...begging the question(s):  1) why should anyone care about your “problem”;  and 2) how, exactly, do you suggest this change be effected?

In Legal News:


...little late for that, innit?  Should have whacked his pee-pee within 24 hours of the order.


...I would have thought that instant coffee was sufficiently poisonous per se, but I guess not.

In Election News:



...what’s that you smell, Lassie?  A rat?
#MeToo

In Immigration News:


...and in other news, Gen. Custer is having trouble with the Sioux.


...yeah, I bet they’ll just line up for that one.


...here’s the deal:  1) close the border completely, and 2) begin the mass deportations.  Anything else is unacceptable bullshit.

From the Dept. of Education:


...only thing newsworthy about this one is that he’s a White boy, and not Chinese or  Asian-Indian.

In Religious News:


...keyword:  yup, South Africa.


...and you thought it was just the fish-eaters, didn’t you?

From the front lines of SEX WARS:


...and she looks about what you’d expect her to look like:  a houri.

In more INSIGNIFICA:

      

Finally:

It’s now on sale!


(link is embedded in pic)

Don’t say I never do anything for you… and that’s the news.

And Rommel Weeps

Military, Mocking Furriners, The Gun Thing

…even from the grave, after reading this report:

The German army’s accuracy has again been mired in controversy as it was revealed in a classified report the testing for their latest rifle was lowered.

The G95A1 rifle failed to pass trials with military-standard ammunition so the Bundeswehr – the German army – lowered the standards of the test, the report to stated.

The manufacturers of the rifle — Heckler and Koch — were allowed to test it with civilian ammunition and at room temperature rather than in extreme heat and cold.

Their 180,000-strong army is due to be receiving new weapons next year after it was reported that they only had enough ammunition to fight for two days.

On the bright side:  they can’t invade Poland again.  On the gloomy side… well, there’s Russia still on the Ostfront, also again.

One wonders how badly the Bundeswehr would fare by reaching into the back of the old gun closet for:

…and:

Of course, they’d have no ammo for anything other than the MP40 and P38, but hey, lookee here from our friends at PPU:

 

Bet they’d get a fat quantity discount, even though the Serbs might be a little reluctant to sell to them, for fairly obvious reasons.

Oh wait, what’s that you say, Lassie?  After the Great Unpleasantness of the early 1940s, the Germans had to destroy all their old guns?

Never mind.

Yes, I too got a semi just from looking at the StG44, FG42 and MP40.  Why do you ask?

News Roundup

Bad News

Now, as for the less-important stuff…


...I’ll take “both” for $400, Alex, but it’s 80% “evil”, and 20% “clueless”.  And in related news:


...gonna sell  give them hi-tech equipment to guard against U.S. missile attacks, no doubt.
#SameAsIran


...nice idea.  Now how about amending it to read “any U.S. citizen” — you know, as per the Constitution — instead of just “journalists”?


...so every time we call attention to or ridicule some government fuckery, we’re “weaponizing” it?
#GuiltyAsCharged

In the Lawn Ordure Dept.:


...keyword:  no, not Alabama;  France.


...nice to see that “PhD” still isn’t a job requirement for criminals.


...never mind moaning about 20 years being “excessive”, asshole;  after what you did to that girl, you should have been executed.
#OnlyInBritain

Hot from the Dept. of Education:


...asks the question, then closes comments.
#TypicalLeftist

In Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© News:


...you mean those fires weren’t because of Global Warming Climate Cooling Change©?
#SuppressThisNews

In the Sex Wars Chronicles:


...isn’t this the generation that doesn’t want to see sex scenes in movies?  Somebody’s lying their asses off.


...rookie mistake.  No man should ever do one of those quizzes because they’ve all been designed by women to catch men out.

And now for some INSIGNIFICA:

And in ShowBiz News:


…but that’s not the story.  This is:


...wait:  you mean… Claire’s available now???

 

 

Well, if that’s not ending the news on a hopeful note…

Reminder:  it’s Open Mic in Comments.  Play nicely.