Author: Kim du Toit

Alternate Universe

Entertainment

We often imagine how things might have turned out if instead of X, we’d done Y or Z, and so on.  Imagine how TV show Gilligan’s Island might have turned out with this cast:

  • Raquel Welch for the role of Mary Ann
  • Jayne Mansfield as Ginger
  • Carroll O’Connor as Skipper
  • Jerry Van Dyke as Gilligan, and
  • Dabney Coleman as the Professor.

Whoa.  In fact, all the above auditioned for those parts in the show, but were rejected.  And here’s Mary Ann in the alternate universe:

For the record, I’ve only ever watched a few episodes of Gilligan’s Island  because boredom, and not since because brain bleed.  With the above cast, I might have been tempted to watch more, and not just because of Raquel.

Here’s an exercise.  Put your favorite modern actors (at any age) into those roles, and imagine how the show would have changed.

Here are my suggestions, by way of example, which I think would have made the show not only more grown-up, but more watchable (and funnier):

  •  Helena Bonham-Carter for the role of Mary Ann

  •  Kate Walsh as Ginger

  •  Bob Newhart as The Skipper

  •  Robin Williams as Gilligan

…but I can’t beat

  • Dabney Coleman as the Professor.

Go on, it’s your turn (and it’s harder than you think).

Broken Bones

Crime

In response to the scourge of “moped thieves” (louts who rob people, often violently, then speed off on little — stolen — 50cc scooters and motorbikes), London’s Metropolitan Police have instituted a policy of “chase and knock down” — in effect, chasing after said thieves, then ramming them with their cars if the criminals refuse to stop.  To the surprise of nobody, this has been extraordinarily effective in getting arrests.

[pause to allow the cheering and applause to subside, on both sides of the Atlantic]

Of course, knocking some little scrote off a moving motorcycle can cause injury, and has.  (Okay, you can knock off those catcalls and jeers now, my ears are hurting.)

And predictably, the Usual Suspects are wailing that this is Crool & Hartless, and Nobody Deserves This Rough Treatment, etc. etc. etc.  You’ve heard all this nonsense before.

If you follow the above link however, do not miss the Comments section below the article.  And in case you don’t have time to go over to the Mail‘s website, here are but a few of my favorites:

“Forgive me if I see violent criminals being injured as a bonus.”
“I’m just disappointed they’re not reversing back over them.”
“I don’t care if they suffer breaks to all the bones in their bodies. Quite frankly who cares?”
“Good job. Don’t stop.”
“Who cares about dead robbers? The more the merrier!” — and from one man who could well have been one of my Loyal Readers:
“Don’t chase them, very dangerous, use snipers!”

And here’s the reason for the anger and vitriol.  Most of these larcenous little fuckers (and they’re almost all teenagers, by the way) have little problem in using violence to rob people, whether the weapons are hammers, clubs or machetes — imagine having your arm nearly sliced off just so that some little shit can take your iPhone — which is why the public, if the commenters at the Daily Mail  are at all representative, are so angry about all this.

Furthermore, the use of mopeds means that these armed robbers can roam all over London — meaning that nowhere is “safe” anymore — thus this kind of crime can affect literally anyone in the street, and it is:  from grannies to housewives to toffs and to other teenagers, all are potential victims.

No wonder people are cheering.

Trends

Food & Drink

…and not any trends that I can enjoy, either.  Here’s the first:

Trendy cafes ban ‘superfood’ [avocado]  amid fears they are damaging the environment and boosting criminal cartels

Seriously?  Feel free to read the whole thing, but it may make you ill when you see how the Trendy Elite justify total foolishness.  (Then, on the other hand, these are the same people who read the Guardian and the NYFT, and blindly vote Labour / Democrat [i.e. socialist], so small wonder they’re vapid idiots.)

But if you thought that was stupid, try this piece of utter bullshit:

Chef Heston Blumenthal reveals newfound taste for GRAVEL after adding pebbles and rocks from his garden to soup

So, to sum up the meals of the future:  avocados bad, gravel and pebbles good.

Got it.  Fucking morons.

Censors And Their Censoring Ways

Freaks & Loonies, Two-Minute Hate

Aaaaaargh FFS I’m just about to explode with rage over here.  Why?  Because the Language Police are out in force, trying to circumscribe my speech yet again, but this time from another direction.

It’s bad enough that I can’t say the words “snigger” or “blackball” without some fucking snowflake or race hustler getting triggered and calling me Worse Than Hitler — we’re all familiar with that form of PC regulation.

Guess who’s next?

Here’s the list of ‘helpful’ suggestions from PETA for teachers to use with their pupils instead of the current ‘harmful’ phrases. It recommends:

  • ‘Let the cat out of the bag’ is changed to ‘Spill the beans’
  • ‘Be a guinea pig’ to ‘Be the test tube’
  • ‘Hold your horses’ to ‘Hold the phone’
  • ‘Open a can of worms’ to ‘Open Pandora’s box’
  • ‘Bring home the bacon’ to ‘Bring home the bagels’
  • ‘Put all your eggs in one basket’ to ‘Put all your berries in one bowl’
  • ‘Kill two birds with one stone’ to ‘Feed two birds with one scone’
  • ‘Take the bull by the horns’ to ‘Take the flower by the thorns’
  • ‘Flog a dead horse’ to ‘Feed a fed horse’
  • ‘More than one way to skin a cat’ to More than one way to peel a potato’

Now the fucking vegans have to get involved in language?  Great Caesar’s bleeding hemorrhoids, isn’t there any  part of my life which can escape the censure of these bastard busybodies?

[deep breath]

I think the best thing I can do (apart from some activity involving an AK-47 and a few Molotov cocktails) is to offer up some suggestions which escaped the above list, but that we may use just to antagonize these pricks a little further:

  • Bleeding the lizard (male urination)
  • Choking the chicken (male masturbation)
  • Spearing the bearded clam (shagging)
  • Harpooning a whale (fucking a fat chick — a twofer, because body-shaming)
  • Bonking a buffalo (ditto)
  • Poking a panther (fucking a Black chick)
  • Tonguing the trout (cunnilingus)
  • Eating an eel (fellatio)
  • Playing with the puppies (fondling a woman’s breasts)
  • …and all the expressions involving the word “pussy”, e.g. pussyfooting.

If anyone has any other suggestions, go at it in Comments.  I’m too angry to think.

No I’m not:  I think I’ll go and roast me a leg of lamb for dinner.

Here’s the source:

In fact, this may be our best revenge on these gastronomic Puritans:  every time you read something about vegans that pisses you off, make yourself a meat dish for dinner.  Or go completely overboard at lunchtime:

*I should point out that “Open Pandora’s box”  is probably offensive to some feministicals because of its quasi-sexual connotation, but I’ll let them fight it out with the vegans, preferably with nuclear weapons so we can have a little mutually-assured destruction.

Okay, that thought put a smile back on my face.

No Mercy

Crime

Somebody explain to me why these people should not be publicly scourged when caught:

Parents have been urged to check playground equipment after thugs attached razor blades to a slide.
Potentially deadly blades were cellotaped to a slide in Winifred Lane Play area in Aughton, West Lancashire – and left in a prime position so children could easily slice open their hands.

Here’s an example:

Now go ahead and tell me why I shouldn’t start assembling the whipping-frame.