Too Much Good Press

Via Insty, I saw this little snippet:

WHO asks people not to attack monkeys over monkeypox

…which makes sense, of course.  Killing monkeys because the thing’s named “monkeypox” makes as much sense as burning the town of Lyme to the ground because of tick bites.

However, that doesn’t mean that killing monkeys is a Bad Thing.

You see, monkeys have always got good Press because they look human, with their sweet little faces and tiny fingers and toes;  and they look so cute as they swing through the trees, chattering and gibbering away.

In fact, monkeys are as evil — or more so — than humans.  They attack human babies, they attack pets, and they’ll attack adult humans, all without reason.  They’ll kill each other — even their troop’s own babies, which is why the babies are always clinging to their mothers, by the way — and woe betide any monkey from one troop who wanders into the “territory” of another.

Ask any farmer about monkeys, and you’ll be rewarded by seeing his trigger finger twitch.  Farmers shoot them on sight, because monkeys will absolutely devastate crops — a 50-strong troop will empty an orchard of its fruit in the space of a couple of hours, and take half a field of corn in a day.

So whenever I see some animal lover wringing his hands because some wee likkul monkey was shot by some eeeevil hunter, I just laugh.  Put said animal lover in the middle of a large troop (of whatever breed), and the odds of survival are about 50-50.

They are truly evil little bastards, only marginally less so than socialists, and like socialists, they should be shot whenever and wherever possible.  And if not for monkeypox, there’s always herpes.


  1. I’m not surprised about monkeys at all. Sure they’re entertaining in a zoo and it might be neat to see them in the wild for the first few times. There were stories of local monkeys and the local pack of wild dogs having territorial disputes or something in some tropical paradise. I guess the dogs were attacking young monkeys so the monkeys would grab a pup, climb a tree and drop the pup. There was also a video of a monkey dragging off a toddler. Wild animals are best observed over there, way over there for some of them. If you have to get close to them, then they better be covered in gravy.


  2. British comedian Bill Bailey did a short tv series about Baboons, focusing on several troops living near people in South Africa. He was all ‘we need understanding’ about the little bastards, but what I took away was “Thank God the worst nuisance animals I live near are raccoons!”

  3. I still get a chuckle from an line years ago (was it from LawDog? Hopefully someone here can source it) about setting an AK to Full Afrikaner and hosing baboons off the patio.

  4. What was it Pockets said about monkey fangs in Hatari!?
    “Don’t think about the two inch fangs”?

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