5 Worst Christmas Presents

In ascending order of awfulness, proving that the gift-giver doesn’t really care about you.

For men:

  • A used Barry Manilow “Greatest Hits” CD
  • A non-transferable gift voucher for Dick’s Sporting Goods
  • Aftershave lotion, when you have a beard
  • An invitation to a time-share sales pitch
  • A Toyota Prius

And for women:

  • Cheap drugstore perfume
  • A coffee mug with a “Caution:  Bitch” label
  • A photo of your husband posing naked with his mistress
  • A plug-in room deodorizer
  • Chopsticks

Your suggestions in Comments.  Bonus points if you actually got  one of them this Christmas.


  1. I’d gotten out of the navy the summer before and was between jobs (winter of 74-75 was a little lean). I was living with my folks and they bought me a set of cheap Harbor Freight grade drill bits. I didn’t own a drill. I may have been a bit elevated by drink and remember telling my dad – who knew nothing about tools – that would be an incentive for me to find a job so I could buy a drill. Found work in January, bought a bottom of the line Black and Decker 3/8″ drill because that was all I could afford, and used it as a back up until a couple years ago.

  2. Continuing the theme, I think this was the Christmas after I got out of the Army in ’77. My dad had long since re-married and they had a son, my much younger half-brother. Said half-brother got me a belt buckle for Christmas. It is a characterization of the head-on view of a B-17 cast out of metal. It is fully 7 inches wide, each wing have two “engines” with small free spinning props. It is about1/2 inch thick in the center where the fuselage would be, with a spike sticking up to represent the tail. The wings are thicker spikes that taper to dull points.

    If one was to actually wear this as a belt buckle, and be involved in a horrendous multiple roll over crash, I think it would be possible to self-perforate your navel and both kidneys. I still have it, as it actually makes a pretty decent paper weight.

  3. 1) crack pipe, used, discovered in the gutter after a Terry frisk.
    2) “my other car is a Pry-us” license frame.
    3) gluten-free bread.
    4) “I’m still with her” or “Pantsuit Nation” bumper-sticker(s).
    5) broken watch from my father for my eighth birthday.
    6) tennis racket from my mother for my high-school graduation… although I never expressed any interest in tennis. Ever. And have zero desire to compete in any game with ‘love’ as a goal.

  4. Wife got my father a Harry’s Razor gift set.
    She didn’t ask me.
    He’s used an electric razor for 50 years.

  5. Keep the Manilow CD out of sight – there’s a risk that if visible in your car someone might break into it and leave you a second CD from Barry and an accordion.

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