So Much For That Theory

As any fule kno, I have long advised people not to believe any of the so-called “scientific” studies out there, because when you get down to it, they’re all done with an agenda and are therefore untrustworthy. The worst, of course, are all those “medical” papers which tell you that doing X will cause you to die horribly from Y, because nowadays doctors are a bunch of insufferable busybodies who, like Democrats, know just what’s best for you and can’t wait to tell you all the ways they do.

There was one study a while ago, however, which gave me a little hope: I don’t remember the exact study or even the data, but it showed that a glass of red wine with dinner (not as dinner) was actually good for one’s health. Needless to say, I was overjoyed because as I often say, a meal without wine is… breakfast.

Of course, that study (which was published by some Italian doctors, perhaps a warning sign) has since been summarily debunked. Red wine, apparently, is now worse for you than chewable morphine, sharing a needle with Milo Yiannopoulos, or mainlining Drano. (That’s not what this new study says, of course; I’m making it all up, probably just like they’re doing.)

Screw that. As some smart guy (Joe Jackson, not one of the Jackson Five) once wrote: everything gives you cancer. And he’s probably right, in that just about anything taken to excess will bugger up your health. Sheesh, drinking two gallons of water at a gulp [sic] will kill you; however, I’ve drunk close to two gallons of red wine in an evening (back in the 1970s, uh-huh) and all I got was shit-faced drunk and a two-day hangover. And lost, when I tried to drive home.

Here’s my take on all of it. Eat and drink whatever you want. Just don’t overdo it, and do a modicum of exercise. (I’ve taken to walking a couple of miles a day, and I haven’t felt this good in years. Also, I’ve lost 20lbs since November last year.) Go ahead: eat that Twinkie. Just eat one occasionally, and not the whole frigging box in one go, and you’ll be okay. Ditto wine, cheese, bacon, chocolate, and all the stuff that’s supposed to kill you.

And if you lack the willpower to eat just a little instead of it all? Well, it will kill you. But I’m not going to chide you, because for so many years I had no willpower either, and it was going to kill me. So there ya go.

From Reader Old Texan comes this beauty, which I’ve called “Heart Attack Jenga”:

Go on; you know you want to.

Update: Apparently, chocolate works for men’s hearts (6 days per week!). If this is true, when I die they’ll have to beat my heart to death with a stick. But be warned: next week some other guy will discover that chocolate gives you incurable syphilis, or something.


  1. Two years ago my cholesterol was 250, my doctor gave me six months to lose weight or he threatened me with statins. Over 6 months I lost 30 pounds, tested the cholesterol again and it was up to 270, doctor prescribed statins (which I didn’t fill, see below). Did some research, found that an increase in blood cholesterol is common during weight loss, because cholesterol is stored in fat in the body, so when you reduce the fat the cholesterol is freed, it goes to the liver and is eliminated from the body. Three months later my cholesterol was 205.

    Oh, how did I do this? For one thing I gave up the “heart healthy” cereal every morning and started having two eggs for breakfast EVERY morning (usually hard boiled on work days for convenience, fried or scrambled when I eat breakfast at home).

    I also told my doctor that I refuse to take statins because (a) while they lower the cholesterol number, they don’t do a damn thing to prevent the diseases associated with high cholesterol and (b) if I’m going to kill my liver, I’ll do it with single malt scotch instead of statins (I like Glenmorangie BTW).

    1. Roger that. As I’ve said before, (possibly here), “Something’s going to kill you; it might as well be something you enjoy.”

  2. The Breakfast of Champions, or real people. I had to laugh out loud when I saw the picture above because I was sitting down at my desk, in front of my computer, to eat my bit of breakfast. Two small slices of ham, two eggs over easy fried in a pat of butter with a heavy dash of Cholula and my third cup of coffee.

    A year and a half ago my weight had crept up too high so I cut down on the carbs, no potatoes, no bread in the house, very little rice and a few slices of pizza twice a month. Now 30 pounds lighter I try to count calories and keep in the 1,700 to 1,900 each day. I am going to be 72 years old in ten days and I feel better than I have in years.

    I do my own yard work and try to spend time out of doors working and walking every day and if my diet which includes a couple of whiskies and water each evening kills me in the next year or two that’s just fine. I do have a younger doc who seems to think my carnivore diet with some fresh vegetables is a good thing.

    Thanks for the great laugh this morning.

  3. I have a friend who invented the Cholesterol Builder’s Breakfast some 50 years ago. He has finally retired this month and will turn 70 soon. I have followed his lead with a more increased emphasis on adult beverages. I am 66 and will retire in July.

    The secret: eat what you want, when you want, but don’t be a d*mn fool about it. And laugh off the stress-inducing idiots; they will screw up your blood pressure and ruin your day.

  4. As one of my professors in medical school used to opine: Moderation in all things – except moderation.

    Seems to be working for him, he’s in his 90’s and still teaching.

  5. “his beauty, which I’ve called “Heart Attack Jenga””…

    There is no actual evidence showing that high fat diets cause heart attacks. None. Obesity, yes – but one can get grotesquely fat without eating any fat.

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