Goodbye, Girls

Looks like Formula One is joining the Pussification Parade:

Walk-on grid girls were axed from Formula One today as the motorsport followed the move within darts to get rid of glamour women. F1 bosses said they will no longer use grid girls from this current season which starts in Australia in two months’ time because it is not in keeping with their ‘brand values’.

Formula One’s “brand values”, you assholes, are money, money and money. And seeing as you’ve already eliminated tobacco sponsorship, why stop there? How about booze? (Oh wait… Williams-Martini would have to go too.)

As a Formula One fan of well over half a century, I hope you all go broke, you pandering fuckwits.

And speaking of money, girls like these will now be out of a job:

First they made the engines quieter (too quiet), now they’re getting rid of the grid girls. Without noise and scenery, what’s left is watching a group of multimillionaire drivers in cars owned by billionaires as they parade quietly around a circuit where the ticket price starts at $100.

What’s left for a man to watch? NASCAR? (Note the comments under this one…)

It’s enough to make a man reach for a drink at 6am… or has that been banned too?

Enter The Food Nannies

Here we go again:

Britain is set to be put on a nationwide diet from March this year as public health officials impose new calorie caps.
Lunches and dinners are to be cut to 600 calories at fast food outlets and on ready meal shelves at supermarkets, in new guidelines from Public Health England (PHE).
Breakfast portions will be cut down to 400 calories as the government aims to stop Britons overeating and combat high obesity rates.

FFS; is there no area of our lives that is exempt from this busybody we-know-what’s-best-for-you bullshit? (My advice: if the nu-meal seems inadequate, buy two instead of one. That will do two things: stick it in their eye, and end your stomach’s growling.)

But it gets worse, O My Readers. From the same article:

A separate study by researchers at Oxford University also found that current alcohol guidelines may be too generous.

As one of my heroes once put it:

As any fule kno, I’m on a diet at the moment. But when I see shit like this, I want to go to a pub, eat a double portion of fish ‘n chips, and wash it down with five pints of Wadworth 6x. Here’s the starter:

Or, if this bullshit ever comes to this side of The Pond, take down a couple-three family buckets of KFC (Original Recipe) with a dozen Classic Cokes.

Now, this wouldn’t be a pretty sight. But it would be a lot prettier than the alternative:

Stupid Idea

January is a crappy month, especially in the northern hemisphere: cold, dark skies, short days, no Christmas holidays to look forward to, and (in the U.S.) the prospect of filing your tax return.

Which makes me wonder why people would want to make the month even more miserable by suggesting that this would be a good time to cut out those things which can alleviate our misery (“Veganuary”, how cute; and “Dry January”). What infamy is this? As if January isn’t shitty enough, now we have to add itching powder to the hairshirt by giving up meat and beer?

It’s only 7am as I write this, yet I feel a nagging need for steak ‘n (butter-fried) eggs, washed down with a Bloody Mary — and we’re not even halfway through the month.

I am getting so sick of people trying to change our lifestyle and behavior “for your own good” — it’s like living with Gwyneth Paltrow and Chuck Schumer in your house, with no earplugs to drown out their endless nagging do-goodery.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Airline Bullshit

When I first saw British Airways’ little pre-flight safety announcement, I was amused: a bunch of well-known Brit actors and comedians demonstrating safety procedures, all under the guise of being auditioned for the job of making the announcements.

Then I stopped laughing, because what this really was was a commercial for some poxy charity drive (video autoplay alert), whereby passengers empty their pockets of loose change, said proceeds going to feed the Pore & Starvin Chilluns of the world.

Now I have lots of sympathy for said Chilluns, because I am not without a soul. I have no sympathy for the so-called “charities” who collect this aid money because they are a bunch of thieving bastards who siphon off percentages of the funds before passing the moolah on to agencies who purport to help the P&S Chilluns, but whose efforts really perpetuate the conditions of poverty by making these people dependent on continuous aid.

I have even less sympathy — actually, tolerance — for organizations like British Airways who facilitate this bullshit. Why?

Because I’m sick to death of paying extra money (over and above the already-inflated airline ticket fees) for stuff that we used to get for free: things such as “extra baggage” fees (for a second suitcase) and seat selection fees (!!!) just because when you go online to check in for your flight, you either put up with the seat you were originally given, or, if you want to change your seat, you have to pay a fucking “change fee” when the change comes entirely cost-free to the airline. (I’m not even going to talk about how “better” seats also command a “seating premium fee” and how you’re bombarded with the ceaseless suggestions to upgrade to a marginally-better “class” of seat for only $320 (!!!!!).)

And a big thank you to Donald Fucking Trump and his Administration for allowing the airlines to hide their thievery (annoying autoplay alert). You bastards.

So here’s a little thought for British Airways and all the other little flyboys like American, United, Delta and whoever: fuck you. If you want me to donate money to your charities, you can start by leaving me more money to donate, and get rid of your fucking highway robbery fees. Otherwise, I’ll stick with the shitty seat you give me (last time: 42D, the very last row in the plane), and you can get stuffed. You and your fucking charity partners.


Afterthought: I know, why do I fly? Because driving across the Atlantic Ocean is problematic. Domestically, I drive wherever I can instead of flying because I hate the fucking airlines. Likewise the poxy TSA and their security theater because [20,000-word anti-TSA rant deleted].

Try: “Often”

H.L. Mencken once said: “Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.”

Here, I would suggest, is one of those times. One of the features of the Christmas season Over Here is the parade of the Festive Coca-Cola truck through the towns of Britishland:

Needless to say, this simple festive gesture/marketing campaign has fallen foul of the Usual Fucking Killjoys:

Head of Public Health England says annual marketing campaign targets areas where children suffer from higher rates of tooth decay and obesity

No doubt this tool’s Murkin counterparts are going to copy this rationale and target our beloved Budweiser Clydesdales for similar treatment, on grounds of beer-drunkenness.

On the advice of Mr. Mencken, therefore, allow me to offer this simple thought:

But It’s Wrong When We Do It

Here’s an interesting survey:

Career women in Britain and the US are paying £150 an hour for sex with male escorts and are happy to splash out thousands if they stay for the weekend
Men were thought to be the primary market for male escorts, but now women are the major employers of male escorts in the UK
Women who buy sex are usually in their 30s and 40s and professional
Some say they’re ‘too busy’ for relationships as they prefer to focus on work
But, unlike men, they want more than intercourse: like a drink or meal before sex

Of course, when we men do this kind of thing with female escorts (i.e. prostitutes), we’re “exploiting women”, “treating women like meat” etc. etc., ad nauseam.

Someone remind me: when will the Cherry 2000 sexbot become available?