Category: The Worst

…that I’ve ever flown into, out of or through:

• John F. Kennedy, New York  (JFK) — considering its location, it’s a disgrace. Baggage handlers are thieves (luggage routinely disappears after being unloaded), staff are New York Rude, and the p.a. system would probably be more intelligible if they hired retired drill sergeants to bellow the announcements through megaphones.
• LaGuardia, New York (LGA) — Rude, obnoxious and uncaring staff everywhere, and only about 10% can speak English at all, let alone fluently. You could die anywhere in LGA and it would take a week for your corpse to be discovered, or attended to.
• O.R. Tambo, Johannesburg (JNB) — When the TSA-style security officials empty the cash out of your wallet while the others are making you unpack your carry-on bag… when flying out, keep your cash in your pockets.
• Bangalore/ Bengelaru, India (BLR) — Dirty, inefficient, no idea how to handle crowds, no passenger conveniences (e.g. restaurants). Don’t even get me started on going through Immigration / Customs, whether arriving or departing.
• Leonardo da Vinci / Fiumicino, Rome (FCO) — Being Italian, they still haven’t decided which name to use, some twenty-five years after deciding to rename the place. Check-in staff are notorious for just disappearing if there are too many passengers and canceled flights for them to handle. It is easier to drive to Milan (MXP) and fly out of there, instead of trying to deal with FCO during chaotic situations (which happen about every other day, it would appear).

Dishonorable mentions: Los Angeles (LAX) and Charles De Gaulle (CDG) — most confusing airports to navigate through in the world. It would work better if crowd control was managed by Disney; instead, it’s managed by Mickey Mouse, in both airports. I speak French fluently, and I still couldn’t understand the p.a. announcements at CDG. Perhaps they have an exchange program with JFK…

Your nominations in Comments.

Staying with the April 20 theme, and ranked from bad to horriblest:

• killed his dog with poison
• is responsible for Godwin’s Law
• adopted a stupid political philosophy which still influences other statists like Nancy Pelosi and most Western European politicians
• his even-more stupid anti-Semitism continues to influence assholes like Jeremy Corbyn, about one-third of all Internet commentary, and all of Islam
• was, unsurprisingly, a strict vegetarian.

Your observations and suggestions in Comments.

From bad to absolute worst:

• The band plays a disco version of Free Bird
• Your 8th-grade teacher-crush, Mrs. Sullivan, now needs a walker
• Diarrhea, on the dance floor
• Finally getting to score with the prom queen from your graduating class, only to discover that she now has dentures and you have erectile dysfunction
• Realizing that that obnoxious chick from Government class — Hillary… Rodham? — still has a crush on you

Your suggestions (or experiences) in Comments.

In order of implausibility:

• “My little sister hid my backpack.”
• “The dog wouldn’t move away from lying in front of my dad’s car.”
• “It was the Russians.”
• “I had a panic attack because Donald Trump is President.”

…and the absolute worst reason for being late for school:

• “My gym teacher just wouldn’t let me get out of bed this morning.”

Your suggestions in Comments.