5 Worst Christmas Presents

In ascending order of awfulness, proving that the gift-giver doesn’t really care about you.

For men:

  • A used Barry Manilow “Greatest Hits” CD
  • A non-transferable gift voucher for Dick’s Sporting Goods
  • Aftershave lotion, when you have a beard
  • An invitation to a time-share sales pitch
  • A Toyota Prius

And for women:

  • Cheap drugstore perfume
  • A coffee mug with a “Caution:  Bitch” label
  • A photo of your husband posing naked with his mistress
  • A plug-in room deodorizer
  • Chopsticks

Your suggestions in Comments.  Bonus points if you actually got  one of them this Christmas.

5 Worst Men

…to have in the room with you after you’ve just had stomach surgery, and it hurts like hell to laugh:

  • Billy Connolly (“Och laddie, yer stomach looks like just another Saturday night in Glasgow.”)
  • Craig Ferguson (“If you were a woman after a C-section, you’d have to get up and wipe the baby’s shitty arse because it’s Match Of The Day on TV and your hubby’s AWOL at the pub.”)
  • Richard Pryor (“You think stitches  hurt?  Try settin’ yo’self on fire, honkie.”)
  • Robin Williams (“Stomach surgery is God saying to you, ‘Here, try a little cocaine.’ “)
  • Bill Burr (“Look, I’m not saying what you have isn’t terrible — but ever had your girlfriend’s broken acrylic nail wedged in your hemorrhoids?”)

Your nominations in Comments.

5 Worst Looks To Get From Your Girlfriend Or Wife

Ranked in order of hatefulness:

  • when you fart during a blowjob
  • when she asks, “Are you really  going out dressed like that?” and you answer, “Yes.”
  • when she asks you for something to read, and you hand her the latest issue of Guns & Ammo
  • when she catches you in bed with her sister (bonus points for:  her brother )
  • when she learns that you pawned her engagement ring to buy that sweet new Ruger

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things To Do For 20 Hours

Yes, it’s back!  For a one-time reappearance only!*

In ascending order of horrible:

  • read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States
  • walk along all the streets of downtown San Francisco
  • listen to Hillary Clinton explain (yet again) why she lost the 2016 election
  • be the lone man in an orgy with the female members of the Congressional Black Caucus
  • fly nonstop from NYFC to Australia… on Spirit Airlines or RyanAir.

Your contributions in Comments…

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*unless you guys want more…