5 Worst Things You Can Say To New Parents

Ranked in order of increasing horribleness:

  • “Why do all newborn babies look like Winston Churchill?”

  • “Where did the red hair come from?”
  • “Well, that’s a relief:  he doesn’t look at all like me…”
  • Now I know why you guys got married so quickly.”
  • (about a baby girl ) “Wow… now that’s what I call a circumcision!”

Your suggestions in Comments…

5 Worst Dietary “Facts”

According to this study*:

  • Lowfat / skim milk is better for you than full-cream milk
  • Saturated fats in your diet will cause heart problems
  • Margarine is better for you than butter or lard
  • Red meat is bad for you
  • The government and health scolds know what the fuck they’re talking about

*Next week, another study will probably come out and disprove this one.  Caveat lector.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a breakfast of steak ‘n eggs (fried in butter).  And a full glass of half ‘n half to wash it down.

5 Worst Life Lessons

Ranked in ascending order of bad:

  • All guns are always loaded.
  • Speaking your mind at your job may make you feel all righteous and stuff, but the boss may not feel the righteousness.
  • Ditto your wife.
  • You will not be respected in the morning.
  • Despite all the hoopla about it, sex with a virgin is terrible, with all that pain and crying, regret and recrimination.  And it’s even worse with a girl.

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things You Can Say In A Business Email

In ascending order of “you’re gonna get fired”:

  • “Screw what H.R. says.”
  • “When I was in San Quentin…”
  • “My project will come in well over budget and a year late.”  (unless you’re a liberal politician, in which case you’ll be just fine;  you might even get a promotion)
  • “I’m sorry about the affair with your wife, but…”  (bonus points if you’re a woman)
  • “On our next business trip together, bring some edible panties… again.”

Your contributions in Comments.  Bonus points if your contribution ever got you actually fired.