Category: Bad News

Starting off with a little good news, for a change:

...although as a Texan, I’m a little unclear about this “gun permits” concept.

From the SPORTS DESK:

...keyword:  Australian.  Also:

...and if you guessed the keyword as “South Africa”, you would be correct.

From the First World Problems Dept.:

...Israeli citizens were not available for comment.

Speaking of which, in the Glueball Jewhate section:

...while invisible to the fuzz were the 300 protesters chanting “Kill All Jew Bastards!”

In the OMG We Didn’t Expect Consequences For Our Jew Hate section (no links):

...

From the Dept. of Health:

...also noted by Captain Obvious.

Time for some SEX NEWS:

…the bracelet was what gave her away, the filthy animal.

...for the teenage trifecta.  Also, keyword:  Idaho.

...keyword:  Belgium.

...keyword:  New Zealand.  And she looks pretty much as you’d suspect she would.

Speaking of ugly women, some Broken Promises:

...yeah, she said that when GWB was elected, and didn’t.  Unfortunately.

And now:  INSIGNIFICA!!!

 

...and all for nothing, as Bernstein was a terrible conductor.

...relax, kids:  it’s only gonorrhea.

#Penicillin.

Finally, some TOTTY NEWS:

...close, but no cigar.

And in earlier times:

One last item:

Nice way to end this.

Let’s start off with some Medical News:

...should be jailed for giving out Plastic Fantastics instead of Colt 1911s, but I’m guessing that’s not the reason people are getting upset about this.  More:

...didn’t know we had one.

Moving on to the Dept. of Education:

...statutorily raped, that is, as the lucky lad got his end into Teacher Dearest at least twice, apparently without complaint.

...see, now I can’t help thinking that if our Junior G-Man had been getting massively bonked by his home room teacher, he would have had neither the time nor the energy to get all shooty.

And in Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:

...because even in Sunny Seffrica, solar energy can’t deliver. [/Captain Obvious]

...remind me about that “snowfalls are a thing of the past”, again?

...who cares if Portugal is laid waste by mining, as long as California- and Islington liberals can ride around smugly in their little Duracell cars.

In Business News:

...and if you thought she made a lot of money from her music, wait till you see how she does with OnlyFans.

From the Crime Desk:

...keyword:  Russia.  Second keyword:  9mm Europellet.

And in LGBTOSTFU News:

...actually, Ms. Purple Hair, it proves the exact opposite:  God does exist, and he hates you for being an amoral pervert.

From the Dept. of the Absurd:

...at this point, even Kafka would throw up his hands and admit defeat.

And in other INSIGNIFICA:

   

...call me old-fashioned, but “Woonsocket” is just a tad eccentric.  Also too long.

Finally, in Hottie Showbiz News, Hurley Department:

...and yes, she even goes topless.

I rather like her friend too, by the way.
#Threesome

And dat’s Da Nooz.

…and in my case, the early morning sun.  Anyway, let’s see what the news had to offer us last week:

...let’s give the man the benefit of the doubt, here:  there are a couple hundred good reasons why someone would carry an AR-15 near the Capitol.

In Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:

...no reports from Minneapolis or Green Bay, though.

Now let’s look in at the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...joining the Scandi countries in this initiative.

A Technology Newsflash:

...betting is that the crushed guy was a lifelong Democrat voter, in which case the robot can be forgiven its confusion.

And still more technology, or rather, reversing technology:

...sadly, this is not the beginning of a trend.  I’ve seen the numbers (as a consultant to supermarket chains, remember) and the savings are just too great, in an industry which still runs on 1.75% net margins.

And now, in Wildlife News:

...no confirmation that her name was Mary.

...acting like Southside Chicagoans, in other words.  Still on bears:

...remember, kids:  shoot, shovel and shut up.  And for the “shoot” part, I can recommend the following (stainless because it’s kinda humid out there):
...the latter loaded with slugs, as extra-special anti-bear medicine. 

Time for a Glueball Jewhate update:

...yeah, guys:  that’s really sticking it to the Infidel.  You chumps.

...my suggestion:

In Travel News:

...yeah, I’ve flown coach on American too;  it’s no picnic.

And in the ever-uninteresting category known as INSIGNIFICA:

        ...for “star-studded”, read “well-worn vaginas”.
...killjoy.

And still on that note [sic], there’s Entertainment News:

...as long as it’s Kylie Minogue and not Lizzo.  Here’s the helium-voiced Kylie:

 

 

…and here’s Lizzo:

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