This one had me howling, in Comments:
I’m grateful for this opportunity to voice a question which has nagged me for many years: is Kim Du Toit really an American?
Look, I know you faced the choice: legally immigrate to America or be beaten to death in a cargo container. Anyone who has not faced that situation has no standing to say which is the moral choice. Nevertheless, your choice is questionable.
No reasonable person can doubt your commitment to constitutional, republican governance; to the public order so essential to the thriving of civilization; to entrepreneurship and the creative power of capital; to national defense; and ultimately to the rights and prerogatives of the individual.
However, you have certain… cosmopolitan tendencies, which cast doubt on your true allegiance. You have traveled to England and maybe even to Stockholm; places where child molesters are tolerated. We patriotic, heartland Americans might overlook such peccadilloes… except for one thing.
We can’t pronounce your name. Americans have made no secret of this: we cannot hear or pronounce French vowels or terminal consonants, and we understandably become violent when anybody points this out.
Previous generations of immigrants had the good sense to Americanize their names, is all I’m saying.
All good stuff, and it gave me much amusement. Let me take them in reverse order. Firstly, here’s the story of the name.
When I became a U.S. citizen — I mean, on the very day I was sworn in — I was asked if I wanted to change my name.
It was the first I’d heard of this option; nobody had ever told me I could do it when I became a citizen. All I had to do was give a new name right there, and that would be the one on my passport and naturalization certificate (and SocSec database, automatically).
Had I changed it — one option was “Dalton” because it sorta sounds like “Doo-twah” and had two syllables, but I needed to think about it — it’s a big deal, changing one’s name — and I had to make a decision right there and then.
So I didn’t.
And lo and behold, I found over time that people liked it — they said it sounded really cool and exotic — and it was quite a hit with the ladies, along with this kinda-fake Brit accent that I picked up at school.
Interestingly enough, when I asked both my American wives (Son&Heir’s mom, and Connie) if they wanted to keep their respective surnames instead of being saddled with this strange French thing, they not only refused, but refused loudly and emphatically. (New Wife, when I asked her the same question, just gave me That Look so I changed the subject hastily.)
As to the other charges:
However, you have certain…cosmopolitan tendencies, which cast doubt on your true allegiance. You have traveled to England and maybe even to Stockholm; places where child molesters are tolerated. We patriotic, heartland Americans might overlook such peccadilloes…
(I chuckle helplessly again, even as I type this.)
I realize that the charge of “cosmopolitanism” is a serious one, especially to Middle America (the class to which I aspire, and the one with which I identify the most strongly).
But FFS, just because I speak several other languages that most Murkins can’t, and I like visiting foreign lands, and can tell the difference between Baroque- and Norman architecture, and likewise between Academy- and Romantic art, and Chopin and Schubert’s music, does this make me less American?
I even admit to preferring croissants over Wonder Bread, sausage rolls over hot dogs, and Victoria sponge cake instead of apple pie. (I draw the line at BBQ, however: no other food can compare.)
And I’m really sorry, but Wadworth 6X is just a better goddamn beer than fucking Budweiser or Coors.
Frankly, I think that Americans could do with a little more cosmopolitanism, if for no other reason than to break the bonds of bullshit American marketing of mediocre/awful products like the above (and let’s not forget “American” cheese, which is truly fucking horrible and no man should).
And I’m happy to do my bit to advance that cause, on these here pages and on this back porch of mine.
By the way: I’ve never been to Stockholm, and I think child molesters should be burned at the stake, after extensive torture.
Yeah, you should have “Americanized” it.
You know, something good that just shouts ” I’m A Murkin”
Like Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf, Nimitz, Shinseki, or Shalikashvilli.
And on reflection the “cosmopolitan” bit is probably just a sort of farm boy envy of the exotic life you’ve led.
We’re about the same age and between your writing, traveling, and various adventures I admit to feeling very much the country mouse myself.
Wait…are you telling me, after all these years, that your name isn’t pronounced “Dewtoyt”?
I, too, got quite the laugh out of this, thanks for sharing this.
And you are so right about American cheese. Costco’s Kirkland brand English cheddar is what it should be, crumbly. I’m not sure if it’s imported or made her the “right” way, but having lived in Europe in my Air Force days, I am a bit of a cheese snob.
How the hell do you get the bacon to stick to the cheeseburger if you use something crumbly? Oh wait – there’s Cambozola.
.
One of the nice things about the South is that even we Left Coast transplants (refugees?) eventually learn to correctly pronounce names like Thibodeaux and Heber, so Du Toit is no big deal.
I consider the failure to repudiate the name “American Cheese” given to those Velveeta tiles to be one of the greatest failures of the Trump Administration. But what can you expect from a man who puts ketchup on a well-done steak?
#RedneckCosmopolitan
I’d like to address that “Previous generations of immigrants had the good sense to Americanize their names” thing. My paternal ancestor came over from Germany in the 1760s, and the very first time our family name was written on these shores, it was misspelled. Over the years of that guy’s life, it was misspelled so often that his seven sons got together to decide on a proper spelling. (Five went with one spelling, and two with another.) My current surname doesn’t really resemble the original, and doesn’t really even look German. I’d just say “Congratulations for keeping your name, at least for a whole generation.”
Also, I’d love to travel to the various countries of Europe, but that’s going to have to wait for my retirement. I’m better off than my dad was (thanks to his hard work), but I’m not at that level of affluence just yet. Some day soon, perhaps.
The only thing I think we really disagree on is the “Victoria sponge cake instead of apple pie” thing, but since you’ve never had my mom’s apple pie, I can forgive you for it. Besides, more pie for me.
Also, warm cat piss is better than Budweiser, and only slightly worse than Coors.
Loosely associated news from yesterday: it seems that Bud Blight Beer has picked a new spokesperson: Colin Kaepernick.
My advice to Budweiser: STOP DIGGING!
“And I’m really sorry, but Wadworth 6X is just a better goddamn beer than fucking Budweiser or Coors.”
I’m not sure you could have picked a lower bar to meet than being better than buttwiper. Name a beer that isn’t!
I must admit that I find Coors (though not the light version) tolerable if naught else is available.
I always laugh at ‘imitation pasteurized process cheese spread.’ Not even real, fake cheese.
And if by “after extensive torture” you mean having said description branded on their forehead and butt cheeks, sent to prison for ten years in with gen pop, then burned at the stake, then yes.
All these years I thought your name was pronounced “Dew toy”. For what it’s worth, I’ve never thought you to be less American than anyone else. In fact I see you as “enthusiastic American”, with an appreciation for things that many of us take for granted.
I prefer the term “American by choice” — as opposed to “American by accident”.
I suppose I was an “American by accident” right up to the day I took the Oath of Enlistment into the U.S. military. I was an enlistee (not a draftee) who made the conscious choice as so many had before me, to stand up and serve MY country. I may not care for the political leadership this country has offered up over the years, I have never regretted choosing to be an American.
Whoever wrote this utter bullshit questioning Kim’s American – ness based on taste has some sort of serious mental issue. The writer needs professional help.
If Taste alone determines whether you are a real American or not, then the writer of this horse shit needs to look no further than fucked up assholes like the politicians of the liberal party, the LGBT Q BBQ BLT 123 plus, An QUEEF Uh (antifa), woke school teachers, judges, and feminazi’s and the bitch ass men who worship them.
The problem with Society not being American based on taste ain’t Kim.
Whoever wrote this stupid fucking bullshit, please seek professional help. Also, don’t forget to go fuck yourself.
It was tongue in cheek, buddy — don’t get upset.
Anyone who has persisted in visiting this back porch for many years can’t hate me THAT much…
Oh and for names – instead of WARREN WILHELM JR you could change your name to BILL DE BALLS EE II EE I OH.
Again, to the writer questioning Kim’s American ness based on taste and name.
1 – don’t forget to go fuck yourself
2 – please seek professional help
I like Japanese vehicles, many of which are built here in America by Americans. Toyota and Honda.
Does this make me less of an American?
Is this “questionable”
I admit to liking Japanese women better than most domestic models, and I was born here. If this is questionable, your experience differs from mine. I won’t say you’re wrong. I won’t try to convert you. I’ll even encourage you to persist in your mistaken beliefs.
Kim – your being too patient – don’t bother explaining you self to the writer of this bullshit
“ By the way: I’ve never been to Stockholm, and I think child molesters should be burned at the stake, after extensive torture.”
The better response is “eat shit asshole. You need help. I’ll file your next email in the trash folder. Bye “
Lighten up, Francis.
lol. I’m dense. I thought this gentleman was insulting you for real.
Glad it was a joke.
LOL – my last name is so pong, old and German that native Germans are like “damn, that’s a really German name.”
Oh well, I am not changing anything. Between my father’s Army career, my Navy career, and son’s USMC career – we earned it. Deal with it, as they say.
Bonus points, my kids all have German first/middle names too. Actually, so do I but they are also common names over here.
In other news, Asian American, Mr. Phuk Hue stated he was beginning to hate the police after getting a beat down every time they asked him his name.
Thanks for being cool about this, and thanks for the pronunciation guide. If I ever have to cough up your name under torture, at least nobody will laugh at me. Unless I deliberately pronounce it wrong.
No, but seriously: thanks for keeping this hangout on the internet, and thanks for being Kim DuToit. It can’t be easy. I’m glad you’re in America.
Just remember: no biltong on Christmas.
Ppppppppppbbbbbbbbbbbbbbtttttttt
Wait a second… “legally immigrate to America or be beaten to death in a cargo container“??? Nope. That was forty-odd years ago & a much younger Kim. I’d’ve felt sorry for the poor dumb bastards who tried to take out Kim in that container.
As for beers; Budweiser, Coors, Miller, etc., are not real beers. They’re water that has merely had a passing acqauintance with malted barley & hops.
I have a six letter, two syllable Scottish name that should be quite simple to pronounce, but gets mispronounced all the time. I blame dropping phonice for the “whole word” BS taught in schools today.
Kim, keep on pontificating from your electronic back porch, creating a nation of riflemen & more cosmopolitan Americans. Thanks.
I’m off now, to make a cheese sandwich out of coissant and some American cheese – forgive me.
“sausage rolls over hot dogs”
Until the Earth stand still and fall into the sun, sausage rolls will always and ever be greater than any hot dog made or even contemplated. The only people who might deign to argue otherwise are the poor blighted fools who’ve never had the distinct pleasure of biting into a proper roll.
Seriously, has anyone truly castigated you about this preference? Because, I can not fathom that depth of ignorance.
One of my last gigs during my radio daze was at an NPR jazz station. We had a spic jock who got his knickers in a twist over my mispronunciation of a spic name. My retort that I don’t sprechen the spic talk went right over his head, and I was written up (!) for being culturally insensitive.
I promptly filed a complaint against the entire staff for their mispronunciation of my surname. In Polish, W is often enunciated as we pronounce an F. It’s spelled Kotowski, but is more authentically pronounced Kotofski. That no one does that across the fruited plain is irrelevant. How DARE disrespect my culture.
There were no more complaints about my Spanglish after that.
Slightly off topic, but were the du Toits part of the wave of French Huguenots which immigrated to South Africa to escape religious persecution? There was a similar phenomenon of Huguenots joining the Scots-Irish as the colonized North America, which is why you’ll find hillbillies with surnames like Duvall and Lanier.