No Chance

I see that beautiful New Zealand is opening its borders to tourists next month, and my only thought is:

No.  Fucking.  Way.

Sure;  I’ll endure a 17-hour flight in an economy seat, arrive in Kiwiland only to discover that someone has caught the sniffles so Reichsfuehrer  Jacinda Wossname can lock the place up again, inflicting an endless stream of horrible TV, bad food and ugly, badly-dressed and ultra-feministical wimmyns* on my sensitive soul?

Listen:  the only reason I’d go Further Down Under would be to watch NZ play rugby or cricket against South Africa or England, and even that’s a dubious proposition.

Now I need to ameliorate my apparent harshness with this observation:  while I’ve never met an Australian (male or female) that I didn’t want to punch in the mouth ten minutes after meeting them, I have always enjoyed the company of (male and female) New Zealanders:  Australians without the rudeness and attitude, to make it brief.  But that’s not enough.

Not gonna happen, and as for the beautiful scenery:  you can stick it up your Peter Jackson.  Middle Earth, my aching African-American ass.

*hence the old joke:  Hear about the Miss New Zealand competition?  Nobody won.


  1. My brother’s been there. There’s no way I would suffer an economy seat for 17 hours; business class or bust, baby! But being quarantined in NZ? I could suffer that. They actually have great food and excellent wines – check out the Neudorf reds. And your climate of choice from the hot north to the cool south. And forget the TV: just use the internet. Or get out and talk to people.

  2. Great country to visit. Went there for a 40-day, two-island pub crawl back in the late 90s when I was stationed in Hawaii. Fabulous food, wine, and beer. Folks in the country are normal, but the city hipsters are arrogant AF, especially to Americans. Not so bad as the Québécois, but close.

  3. As a citizen of one, and a resident of the other I think you are being a bit harsh.

    It’s not aussies who have a worldwide reputation for being loud and arrogant. 😁

    Both countries produce excellent wine. You get better variety of food in Aus because there are lots of immigrants. Melbourne, for example is the second largest Greek city in the world. Australia is basically big and flat, NZ is one long mountain range, so the scenery is pretty good. I can’t figure out how to post a picture here, the view from the room we are staying in…

    The one thing that is horrible about NZ is the politics. It’s as left wing as the UK.

  4. Actually, the rudest, most arrogant people I have ever come across, male or female, are SAFFIES.

    Make of that what you will.

    1. Don’t even get me started. They know everything, you can’t tell them anything, they’re a combination of bully and coward, and ever since Trevor Noah made it big, now every Saffer has to be a fucking comedian, too.

      There was a good reason I left back in the mid-80s.

Comments are closed.