5 Worst Things To Do At A Funeral

In ascending order of ghastliness:

  • substitute the soundtrack from Oh! Calcutta!  for the traditional funeral music
  • French-kiss the widow / grab the widower’s cock
  • invent a whole bunch of salacious but fictitious stories about the late when delivering the eulogy (e.g. “Fred always said that sex with a woman was okay, but not as good as the real thing”)
  • take group photos, as at a wedding, only with people standing around the open coffin
  • start a “throw the wreath” ceremony, and have Granny catch it.

You suggestions in Comments.


  1. At your brother’s funeral, check out his grieving widow and decide “I’m gonna cheat on my wife with that broad!”
    ~ Hunter Biden

    1. Pretty sure he was already doing it when his brother was just sick. So it doesn’t count as a funeral thing unless they do it in the hearse.

  2. I have some relatives and friends who put the “fun” in dysfunctional so here goes:
    Show up drunk and spend 15 minutes cussing out the corpse over some family fight that happened back in the 70s.
    Get into a shoving match with another relative over a piece of inexpensive jewelry that the corpse was wearing. “But she promised it to me” The combatants were in their mid 70s.
    Hire a photographer to take a formal portrait of the deceased. In this case I was the photographer. It as very creepy as I did the job after the funeral home had closed for the evening and the only living people present in the place were me and the undertaker. I learned from him that the final pictures were quite common in some cultures. At least I didn’t have to worry about the subject moving.

    1. I, too, saw this at a wake. Young lady leaned over the open casket to take a smiling selfie with the deceased (a distant relative).

      Then the classless bitch ate almost a dozen donuts in the coffee bar reserved for the immediate family, and left.

  3. True one, involving two of my uncles:

    Jump your brother and get into a fistfight, because he owes you money, in the mens room at the funeral home, during your mother’s wake.

    1. My dad was a small town cop in the 60s. Got called out to a ranch property one night; mom was concerned that dad hadn’t returned with their sons, one of whom who had just returned from a military deployment. Dad got to the perimeter of the property to find the missing dad’s truck wrecked in a ditch. The dad had been killed & ejected from the vehicle. The two sons were engaged in a knockdown dragout over which one was entitled to the motor out of the truck.

  4. Over 40 years ago my older brother’s 2nd wife who was kind of a Disco-Queen passed away in her late 20’s. When we went to the service we had a private family viewing time before the open casket service and my younger sister looked at her sister in law and said, Oh Shit ! they have it all wrong. Younger sister in her mid 20’s talked to other sister about the make-up she had in her purse, younger sis ran everyone out of the room and re-did the dead to look flashy, not quite trashy the way she always did in real life and she did look more like she was supposed to.

    1. Well, thanks to an over-thorough nurse’s aid in the hospital, my grandfather went to his grave without the mustache he had worn at least since he was drafted into the Austrian Army to fight the Italians in WW 1. My brother suggested buying a stick-on mustache so he could go to his reward looking as he had in life. Fortunately (or not) that idea went nowhere.

  5. Bring a children’s Jack-in-the-box. When the casket is closed, start turning the handle but slow down when as you get closer to the “pop”.

    I asked my bride if she would do this at my funeral. Her response was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic support.

  6. “take group photos, as at a wedding, only with people standing around the open coffin”

    Kim, that is a Filipino tradition….

  7. when I was in high school around 16 or 17 and my first cousin, a year older than me were at my great-aunt’s funeral some second or third cousin hit on both of us. Not sure which was creepier, the blood relation or the location at a funeral. No, this wasn’t in some remote rural area either.

    Another funeral I attended entailed some drama at the cemetery. The immediate family got out of the limousine, met with someone from the cemetery. I couldn’t hear the conversation from my car but from the gestures and pointing, the family thought the plot was somewhere else int the cemetery but the cemetery manager pointed someplace else. It was kind of awkward for a bit.

  8. Just remember, if your wife asks you where you’d like to be buried, the answer, “Balls deep in your sister.” is not an appropriate answer.

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