1. Squirter


    What did the V.D. Germ say as he fell down the hole?
    “I’m a Gonorrhea”

  2. While the Bible says that God created earth before people, it neglects to point out that He had to take a few practice swings first.

  3. Esmeralda regrets using the entire leaf of aloe vera before checking its allergic qualities ‘on a small area’.

  4. After wiping with an ‘as-seen-on-TV’ ‘natural’ product, Esmeralda joins the ‘never again’ crowd.

        1. After a waist-deep immersion in the purported healing qualities of … …Esmeralda realizes she exceeded the recommended application time by several seconds, resulting in the unintended removal of her pubical hairage.

          Neighbors immediately expressed their approval, stating “Except for the scarring, we think it turned out OK.”

  5. Ever-hopeful for lasting romance, Esmeralda places a ‘NSFW’ portrait in her personal ad.

  6. In a rejeced ad for ‘consequences’, ever-vigilant supporters of the fUSA constitutional amendments promise strong personal deterrence for infringement. According to reports leaked from California, feminists and other commonists were undeterred by the side-lined ad, screaming “Bumpity Bumps, Takes Your Lumps!”

  7. Flush with her many potential suitors responding to her successful ‘NSFW’ addition to her profile portraits, Esmeralda considers additional applications of the ‘natural’ ‘as-seen-on-TV’ formula.

  8. In her personal ad profile, Esmeralda proudly announces her ironing skills. “I iron my clothes myself!” she boasts, playfully adding “I fix things around the house myself!”

    Fortunately for all concerned, her profile fails to mention the varied results of her attempts to cook herself.

  9. And if you look to the right, you will see a beautiful formation we are now required by law to refer to as Genitals That May Be Male or Female Depending On How The Valley Identifies.

  10. Trans-sexual activist and gender-reassignment specialist Fred ‘Esmeralda’ Abramowitch proudly displays the latest results of the newest version of his new DIY kit. Concerned federal licensing officials voice concern, stating “Although the kit is designed for end-users, we want to restrict its use by back-alley practitioners.”

    In a related statement from the Back-Alley Practitioners coalition, concerned practitioners state their opposition to the proposed licensing scheme, adding “If the results are good enough for ‘Esmeralda’, that’s good enough for us.”

    In a related statement by federal licensing officials, they state their opposition to the kit based on child-safety concerns. “Nobody wants to see under-age minors experimenting with ‘trans’ kits without properly licensed adult supervision.”

    Responding to official concerns, vocal co-activists from the Friends Of Fred coalition stated their concerns the federal officials would restrict the kit to the point “…nobody gets to make any choice about their bodies!”

    Fred ‘Esmeralda’ Abramowitch voiced his concerns, stating “Only properly trained adults over the age of 10 can purchase the kit.”

    In a related announcement, federal officials announced under-cover agents posing as 9-year olds interested in gender-reassignment were able to purchase the kits on-line.

    This just in:
    Friends Of Fred announced the untimely passing of Fred ‘Esmeralda’ Abramowitch. Speculation abounds concerning his regrets after his gender-reassignment experiments. Concerned federal officials offer condolences, stating “We feel the kits need to be in the hands of everybody. To this end, we are offering his kits free-of-charge at school registration day. It’s the least we can do.”

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