Well, Duh

Apparently, the world is agog about the ingredients of Nutella, the sickly-sweet-chocolate-y spread beloved by Euros. (They put it on their bread or toast for breakfast, as if anyone needed confirmation of Euro-decadence.) Here’s the offending pic at Reddit:

I am a little iffy about the proportions as shown — but only of the cocoa, because I’m not sure that so small an amount of the stuff could make the whole thing as dark-brown as it is. Whatever. I don’t like Nutella, possibly because I don’t really like the taste of hazelnuts. 

So, for the first time ever, I am going to reveal to the world the sooper-seekrit recipe for my own favorite spread. (Be warned, it is highly addictive, super-fattening, and probably causes all sorts of health problems, not to mention fainting fits among dieticians and weight-loss gurus.)

Here are the two ingredients (no substitutions allowed):


The mix proportions are approximately 4:1 (Jif : syrup), although obviously you can adjust that to make the spread more or less sweet. Adding syrup alleviates the dryness of peanut butter and adds just the necessary sweetness.

The optimal delivery method for this variation of PB&J (or peanut-butter-syrup, as I call it) is on lightly-buttered white bread, or even deadlier, on lightly-buttered white toast. I sometimes make myself a sweet snack by using a heaped tablespoon of Jif with just a tiny squirt (or teaspoon) of Golden Syrup. It also makes a superb dipping sauce for Thai Chicken Satay.

Here’s what it looks like in its final form:

For reasons unknown, Lyle’s Golden Syrup is not commonly found in U.S. supermarkets (Kroger carries it, as does H.E.B. down here in Texas), but it can be ordered online. It also comes in glass jars or tins. Because I hate maple syrup (it makes my throat close up, similar in effect to cigarette smoke), I’ve eaten Lyle’s either with peanut butter or by itself on bread/toast and on waffles since I was a child, and my life has been all the richer for it.

In the interests of Extremely Stupid People Who Need This Shit Explained To Them, this spread contains peanuts and sugar (NO!!!!) so if you are allergic to either, don’t eat it. Ditto the bread if you’re gluten-averse. Sucks to be you.

Final warning: if you become addicted to this stuff, as I am, don’t come crying to me when your weight balloons or you become pre-diabetic. That’s like complaining to me of your hangover when you follow my advice to drink single-malt Scotch, and get wasted on it.

And for the record: it tastes far better than that Nutella shit.


  1. I actually like Nutella, but my wife and I get quite a kick out of the commercials touting it as a healthy spread to put on your morning toast, calling it if memory serves “Hazelnuts, cocoa, and just a HINT of sweetness.”

    My wife makes Nutella brownies that are just wonderful, BTW.

  2. My favorite delivery system for Nutella is smearing it on a regular, glazed doughnut. I imagine that would work just as well for your spread.

  3. Skippy Natural Peanut Butter – 2 tablespoons, honey – one teaspoon, unsweetened corn flakes – 1 tablespoon crushed. Stir this stuff all together until blended and then eat with a spoon little bits at a time without bread and that is my afternoon snack a couple of times a week. Not too often because I am trying to keep my weight under control. I have the peanut butter and honey on toast since I was a kid but lately I have been adding some crunch and foregoing the toast.

    As for Nutella, I know people who eat it and it has always seemed kind of strange, too sweet, bad chocolate and the texture is kind of slimy, but that’s just me and I don’t care what others ingest.

  4. I made a pecan substitute for Nutella once that had considerably less sugar. Tasted great, but had a weird texture. It’s pretty funny to see people claim that stuff is good for you. Maybe in VERY limited quantities.

  5. Nutella is too sweet even for me, and I have a horrible sweet tooth.

    I developed a taste for Marmite in Zambia, and there’s always some in the cabinet here since. And nobody I ever yet met is “Meh” about it, they love or hate it. A couple slices of real hearty bread toasted and slathered with Kerrygold butter, then anointed with some marmite is a great way to start my day.

    When I was in Oz earlier this year I had vegemite for breakfast, and the locals all marvelled that I both could and would eat it. But then, they stood around and watched as I made iced tea as if I were some kind of alchemist.

  6. I grew up on PB and sorgrum, or if unavailable, honey or blackstrap molasses. I’ve only used Lyles in a beer recipe, but it sounds worth a go.

  7. My experience with cooking with cocoa (mostly in stews) is that its color is VERY persistant. Since none of the other ingredients is strongly colored, I can easily believe that the proportions in the picture are right, keeping in mind that dissolved sugar isn’t white, but clear.

    Also, cocoa is a very strong flavor, and quite bitter on its own (you surely know this), a little goes a damn long way.

    I may be the only person on earth who can take Marmite (or vegemite) or leave it. Tried it a couple of times, understand why some love it, but I lime a lot of things more.

    Sorry Maple hits you that way, as a strong dark maple syrup is one of MY favorite memories. Used to be able to rely on “grade B” as the good stuff. They changed the grading, and “dark amber” isn’t as strong, and too sweet.

    Or maybe I’m just an old grouch

  8. I knew just as soon as I saw the top of the JIF jar it was a no-go for me. I’ve been to the ER a few times when inadvertently ingesting the evil legume.

    But look at it this way. All the peanut butter I DON’T eat means that much more for you!

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