1. “You looking at me?”
    (looks around)
    “Well you must be looking at me, there’s no one else here.”
    (Deer Hunter – De Niro)

  2. “Yeah, me and Ruth Bader Ginsburg used to be a thing. Like, nine decades ago. Trust me, she was still a snoozer then.”

  3. I know your kid likes turtles and all, but if that little fucker knocks on my shell again its going to be carnivorism time.

  4. a. Wherein Senate Majority Leader McConnell lets slip his true feelings about the Trump Agenda.

    b. You humans can get retirement jobs as a Wal-Mart greeter. I’m stuck with pullin’ down $7.25 an hour as a speed bump in the parking lot.

    c. Tell those damn teenage ninja mutants to TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!

    d. In a filing at the Federal District Court in New Orleans, a tortoise has sued under the Americans With Disabilities Act, claiming that Pedestrian Crossing Signals are Speciesist, discriminating in their too-short timing, against turtles, tortises, snails and Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

    Sunk New Dawn
    Galveston, TX

  5. That sucker already has two kill marks on his carapace, would not put a finger or dangly bit anywhere near him.

  6. Eagerly awaiting her 30th birthday celebration, ‘sun bunny’ Myrtle Crepsbach enjoys a refreshing morning ‘roast’ on her back porch. Despite the neighborhood kids howling over the fence, their derogatory references to ‘old Luggage Face’ fell on deaf ears.

  7. Michelangelo’s long-rumoured crystal meth addiction has been confirmed, according to Leonardo and Donatello.

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