Polls That Matter

According to this “relationship expert” [eyecross], Australian men prefer these features in a woman:

…which leads me to deduce the following:

Australian men are fucking liars.

That, or they’re so pussywhipped it hardly bears thinking about.  (Any man who values “playfulness” over “loyalty”, to consider just one example, is hardly worth being included in the male species.)  And history is replete with men who are unable to tell their partner’s eye color after even three dates.

Of course, this “study” could have been compromised by sample bias — if the respondents came primarily from Melbourne’s Fitzroy or St. Kilda districts, for instance, one could easily see why the poll should rather have been entitled “What Hipster  Men Value In Women”.

Also, anything written by a “relationship expert” should probably be roundly ignored, anyway.

Old Goats

Ripped from Teh Hedlynes:

A man in his 90s with an excessive sex drive was among eight patients aged over 70 treated by the NHS for their addiction to sex.
Over the last seven years 170 people have been referred to the NHS with sex addiction.  Eight of these patients were aged over 70.

Leaving aside for the moment whether a taxpayer-funded medical service should be treating stuff like this (Cliff Notes:  NO), I have to wonder what the hell is going on in the world.

I want to know what constitutes an “excessive sex drive” in the first place.  I remember a woman talking about her late father, who “had sex all the time, every day, with everything:  women, men, animals, raw meat, whatever happened to be there at the moment.”  He also raped his wife, both daughters and several members of his extended family.  This being back in the 1940s when people didn’t talk about this kind of thing because of shame, he was never even charged with a crime, let alone imprisoned.

I would suggest that this constitutes a sex addiction — and today, of course, he probably wouldn’t face much of a sentence either because, you see, sex addiction is a disease and he is a sufferer[eyecross]

I’m curious to see how the “sex addiction” of our 90-year-old goat compares.  I doubt it measures up.

And frankly, with the exception of extreme cases such as the one I described above, I’m calling bullshit on the whole concept.  In a nation with a population the size of the U.K., 170 such cases over seven years doesn’t even register as a rounding error.  More people are probably prone to whistling uncontrollably whenever they see a brick, but you won’t see them sprinting over to the nearest hospital for treatment.

Anyway, as long as these “addicts” are not endangering the wellbeing of others — pestering their wives, ignoring their their families in favor of prostitutes and wanking twenty times a day don’t count — my suggestion is to leave them alone.

If, however, they start committing actual crimes by going all rapey and molesting children, for instance, then castrate them and lock them up forever.

Dirty Minds

There’s the old joke of a guy whose wife forces him to go and  see a pyschologist because he’s obsessed with sex.  The psych wants to test him, shows him this pic and asks the man to tell him what he sees:

The man says, “That’s my hard, rampant cock.”  The psych looks puzzled, but shows the man the next pic:

“Oh,” says the man, “That’s my sexy next-door neighbor’s inviting pussy, just waiting for me to stick my big, hard cock into it.”   The last pic is shown:

“Aargh,” the man cries, “That’s my frigid wife, with her legs crossed so I can’t fuck her.”

The psych makes a note and says, “You really are obsessed with sex, aren’t you?”  To which the man replies:

“Well, you’re the one showing me those filthy pornographic pictures!”

In that vein, here are some pictures of similar suggestiveness:

And finally, the importance of not going with first impressions:

The story behind the Swisse Me fruit pics is here.  Watch the video.

Oh, and speaking of fruit, here’s the album cover from 70s band Juicy Lucy:

I miss album covers.

More Lockdown Problems

What was that about familiarity breeding contempt?

Three Brits having affairs during the lockdown have revealed their stories as they look for ways to spice up being in isolation.
Speaking to FEMAIL, the trio – all of whose names have been changed – revealed how they have taken to FaceTime sex and affairs from their city pad as they struggle to deal with the restrictions.

This comes as the UK’s leading affairs site Illicit Encounters reported a 15 per cent rise in activity in the last month.
More than half of male members (54 per cent) said they had initiated new affairs in the last four weeks, with the main reason for this rise being ‘boredom’ sparked by being stuck at home in the lockdown.
Meanwhile almost half of female members (46 per cent) had made contact with a new male partner in the last four weeks, revealing that the crisis had exposed the weakness of their main relationship and made them realise they needed ‘fresh stimulus’.

So far, the only extramarital business adversely affected by the “stay at home” policy seems to be prostitution, and that’s not going to last long either.  When it comes to strange nookie, people will always find a way.

This, however, will undoubtedly be true:

‘There is going to be an explosion of affairs when the lockdown ends – a long, glorious summer of sex. The Roaring Twenties are really going to take off.’

Not Surprising

Seems as though Our Hero Capt. Tom Moore still has some of the old juices flowing:

He has raised millions with his 100 laps around his garden.
Yet the nation’s sweetheart Captain Tom Moore took things from the great outdoors to his living room to enjoy a video chat with Amanda Holden and Jamie Theakston on Heart Radio on Friday morning.
Proving himself to be quite the charmer, the war veteran, 99, admitted he found the BGT host, 49, to be ‘a charming creature’ who he ‘likes looking at’.

And why not?  Our Amanda is quite a vision:

Just goes to show:  even though the flesh may be weak, the urge never goes away.

Every Day A New Thing

Because I read voraciously, and always have, I’ve followed an unspoken mantra that I should learn something new every single day of my life.  And by “new”, I don’t mean any old shit like the price of pizza at the new Italian restaurant up the road;  no, by golly, I mean something at least of historical, literary or cultural interest.

Longtime Readers will know that I am an unabashed Europhile when it comes to history;  my degree is in Modern European History (not “Western” history, by the way — my knowledge of U.S. history is at best a tad more than “adequate”), and seldom a day goes past when I don’t set out to learn something new about the period of 1750 – 1950 in Europe.

I think I need to broaden my horizons, however, because only yesterday I was brought up short when reading this article by Jorge Montoyo, where the very first paragraph provided this nugget:

During the Tang dynasty, a golden age for poets, Empress Wu Chao [Zhao]  forced every male dignitary who had an audience with her to wash his mouth with rose water and practice cunnilingus on her.  Diplomats and courtiers had to do their best so that their requests were met, and even then it was not a guarantee, since Chinese politics have always been cunning and inscrutable, with oscillations between the sun and the shadow of yin and yang.

My first thought, incidentally, was how loud the feministicals’ screams would be had this been a Chinese Emperor  who forced women seeking an audience to first give him a blowjob.  (My suspicion is that the modern-day Carrie Nations of Patriarchal Sexuality would have 1984’d this historical snippet out of the history books forever.)

My second thought was that Wu Zhao was quite a girl — she made Russia’s fearsome Catherine The Great look like a Victorian governess by comparison —  and if she had even half the power she seems to have wielded, her demand for pre-consultation cunnilingus doesn’t seem so far fetched.  Of course, she reigned for many years, which in itself is a little problematic, because early in her reign she probably looked something like this:

whereas in the later years of her reign, she looked like this:

In the first case, mandatory cunnilingus might have been no burden, nay even pleasurable.  But I have a suspicion that the cunnilingual prerequisite was probably instituted towards the end of her life… and I don’t think I need go any further with that  visual.

Still, I think it’s an examplary historical precedent for us to at least consider today, if for no other reason that even among historians who detest Wu Zhao, there is absolute consensus that her reign was, all things considered, hugely successful.  To quote but a couple of historians:

“To the horror of traditional Chinese historians, all members of the shih class, the continued success of the T’ang was in large measure due to an ex-concubine who finally usurped the throne itself…  Though she was ruthless towards her enemies, the period of her ascendency was a good one for China.  Government was sound, no rebellions occurred, abuses in the army and administration were stamped out and Korea was annexed, an achievement no previous Chinese had ever managed.”
Yong Yap Cotterell and Arthur Cotterell.

Here’s the thing:  if you knew, or were guaranteed, that including cunnilingus would result in as successful a reign (or term as head of government) as Wu’s, do you think any politician (male or female) would turn that down?

Of course, there’s no chance that any of today’s crop of European feministical politicos would ever institute such an exotic (erotic?) practice, because unlike Wu, they all seem devoid of a sense of humor.  And take a look at a sample of said feministical prime ministers and presidents:

You have to admit, though… oh, wait:

Forget I said anything.