Well, Duh

Apparently, the world is agog about the ingredients of Nutella, the sickly-sweet-chocolate-y spread beloved by Euros. (They put it on their bread or toast for breakfast, as if anyone needed confirmation of Euro-decadence.) Here’s the offending pic at Reddit:

I am a little iffy about the proportions as shown — but only of the cocoa, because I’m not sure that so small an amount of the stuff could make the whole thing as dark-brown as it is. Whatever. I don’t like Nutella, possibly because I don’t really like the taste of hazelnuts. 

So, for the first time ever, I am going to reveal to the world the sooper-seekrit recipe for my own favorite spread. (Be warned, it is highly addictive, super-fattening, and probably causes all sorts of health problems, not to mention fainting fits among dieticians and weight-loss gurus.)

Here are the two ingredients (no substitutions allowed):

  

The mix proportions are approximately 4:1 (Jif : syrup), although obviously you can adjust that to make the spread more or less sweet. Adding syrup alleviates the dryness of peanut butter and adds just the necessary sweetness.

The optimal delivery method for this variation of PB&J (or peanut-butter-syrup, as I call it) is on lightly-buttered white bread, or even deadlier, on lightly-buttered white toast. I sometimes make myself a sweet snack by using a heaped tablespoon of Jif with just a tiny squirt (or teaspoon) of Golden Syrup. It also makes a superb dipping sauce for Thai Chicken Satay.

Here’s what it looks like in its final form:

For reasons unknown, Lyle’s Golden Syrup is not commonly found in U.S. supermarkets (Kroger carries it, as does H.E.B. down here in Texas), but it can be ordered online. It also comes in glass jars or tins. Because I hate maple syrup (it makes my throat close up, similar in effect to cigarette smoke), I’ve eaten Lyle’s either with peanut butter or by itself on bread/toast and on waffles since I was a child, and my life has been all the richer for it.

In the interests of Extremely Stupid People Who Need This Shit Explained To Them, this spread contains peanuts and sugar (NO!!!!) so if you are allergic to either, don’t eat it. Ditto the bread if you’re gluten-averse. Sucks to be you.

Final warning: if you become addicted to this stuff, as I am, don’t come crying to me when your weight balloons or you become pre-diabetic. That’s like complaining to me of your hangover when you follow my advice to drink single-malt Scotch, and get wasted on it.

And for the record: it tastes far better than that Nutella shit.